mountain riverbed
gold against blue aspen fire
drive dipped in heaven
waterfall delights
imaginative girls’ eyes
a doll’s paradise
toes dipped in ice falls
while leaves leave us dipped in gold
summer dipped in fall
ten months ago, dead:
my heart, when you told me that
(teaching is in me)
but you couldn’t teach
you could only criticize
i’m phoenix rising
with hate, you inspired
with love, i put students first
and guess what? we win
a perfect lesson
fits into care and action
not criticism
if only you’d see:
guide a better tomorrow
we’d want to stay here
but we’re not all strong
or feathers-renewable
with love, you could win
with love, we will win
my students and i? winners
please don’t burn feathers
tap your inner soul
for god’s sake, read the right book
allow us to fly
staff development:
the after school detention
for over-booked teachers
grading until ten:
another form of torture
i put myself through
tomorrow’s feedback:
priceless words that they’ll revise
i live, love for them
Sitting in the dark, my door always open, he was waiting for me. I can’t arrive before seven this year, and I told him that when he already asked. There he sat, one year and seven months from a journey between Iraq, Turkey, and Afghanistan, trying to decipher the ever-coded language of Fitzgerald, totally unaware of such a thing as a speak-easy, alcoholism, mistresses, or sin.
And how could I explain, in the seventeen minutes before the bell, the demons of our society? Doesn’t he have tucked in his back pocket enough demons of his own?
“All honors classes, this year, Miss. And I guarantee I’ll be out of your remedial reading class by the end of the semester.”
But here we are, September 16. And he’s drowning in a bucket of noon-drinking Gatsby.
“Did your teacher (the newbie, I’m keeping internally) tell you anything about the Prohibition? About illegal smuggling of alcohol? About bars under the streets?”
“No. He just told us to read chapter four and answer these questions.”
The first one asks for a college-level interpretation of why Nick begins the chapter with the world taking its mistress at Gatsby’s while everyone else is at church on a Sunday morning.
“Oh, Mohammed…” It is all I can say. He will not have time to finish the chapter, to check out the movie (as I suggest), to thoroughly respond to questions that his limited English and foreign background will keep him from understanding.
And this is when my heart breaks, before the bell rings. Before it is fully light, before I even need to turn on the fan. It breaks for the journey, the immigrant’s journey. It breaks before and after dawn, in those hours I spend marking his papers but not beside him at his desk.
I cannot explain, in seventeen minutes, how demons have overtaken our society, 1922 or 2014. I cannot define all the words or find the subtle undertones of the great American novel.
I can only help him with a few questions and hope he will survive the journey, just like all the journeys he has carried across three continents.
after-death clean-out:
desk too big for any room
memories replayed
pictures old and new
as far back as pain will reach
childhood relived
my life: email eye
spying on my every move
wait for responses
girls spin through crying
once it was: feed me, change me
now? essay, read, bathe
single motherhood:
just one week, and not for me
(found him at nineteen)
rushed dinners, yelling
later: lawn, Where’s Waldo search
we’ll never find him
his day versus mine:
turmoil a different tune
loss and love, rebirth
how they bring me joy
after all the years and tears
how they bring me joy
mid-day, he flies home
all afternoon i cook hope
form: chicken divan
an old recipe
that i made for their visits
but i wrap up now
to console still-birth
and recall family presence
even when they’re gone
the youngest cries out
because she is daddy’s girl
his phone face is brave
girls devour hope
pile ice cream for dessert
before his mom dies
asleep beside him
she heard him calling her name
she could let go, rest
midnight he’ll be up
flying home faster in dreams
regret, remorse, grief
the only one there
as she brought in her last breath
his worst fear present
the youngest cries out
as his siblings fill the house
he’s a mama’s boy
without his mama
no brave phone face, only tears
life’s a rented dream
before dawn message
asks permission for my love
i’m awake, ready
my soul sister breaks
before the sun emerges
i’d give her my life
sleep is a present
unpresent in this week’s life
seven days of hell
he flies tomorrow
what if he doesn’t make it
in time for her death?
my girls play the wii
squealing with best friend’s pained joy
parents’ illness wins
and yet they smile
dress up in formal attire
perfect for their game
living life scares me
as i list all my boyfriends
kindergarten up
ask him to recall
if he searched for love like me
or found it at home
he cannot answer
too consumed by coming grief
losing his mother
they will play all night
and go vacation their dreams
never knowing loss
that is what i want
no search for school boyfriends
just love at home. LOVE.
longest week ever
ending with happy hour
tears still in ducts
because he came in
and wrote with us a class poem
when we were thirteen
because he’s your dad
forget the swallowed disease
because he made you
for twenty-eight years
your mom gave her life to him
because she loved him
because demons live
even if we wished they’d die
that is why, that’s why
because he deserves
what a father, husband should
he’s not forgotten
because you found him
in your heart, you always knew
that you would find him
the mother of three
raised at home with two parents
he was one of them
because of our youth
the car, recording our voice
and all the journals
he’s in every one
saw through demons to love you
because he loved you
you are my best friend
and he made you, he made you
that is why, that’s why