The Dark Side of Testing

Dear Mr. John Fallon, CEO of Pearson:

“If you’re going to send me out, you better fucking send him too! What the fuck is this, he threw shit at me!”

This is not a post about testing.

It is about what you don’t see, as a corporation who thinks it would be amusing to test children for eleven hours out of their instructional year (on top of classroom tests, reading tests, English language proficiency tests, and district tests). It is about the other side of testing, the weight that bears down on us (teachers, students, parents, administrators) as we face each day with another disruption.

Not only did the students miss an entire week of instruction in March, but they also must have their schedules disrupted for a solid two weeks in May, in addition to the already-in-place finals schedule?

As Mark Twain said, “Teaching is like trying to hold thirty-five corks under water at once.” Try holding them under water after two months of testing, two weeks of a different schedule, and one hour and forty-five minute classes. I don’t know about you, but the last time I wanted to spend a solid 105 minutes on a task, it was a date with my damn pillow. Try entertaining/testing/questioning/reading with/TEACHING a bunch of fourteen-year-olds for that amount of time. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Hence the outburst at the beginning of this post, at the end of day three of this schedule, when we’d all about had enough. It didn’t matter that I picked a book just for kids like him, about a refugee from South Sudan. It didn’t matter that we were about to watch a documentary about the real struggle of Lost Boys. It didn’t matter that I care about everything that we read, speak, and think in my creaky-floored, ever-hot urban classroom. All that mattered was that he–and I–and all of us had reached our limit.

With my other classes, we went to the library to check out books. Upon arrival, we witnessed the mass of students who opted out of the PARCC and were sitting listening to music, streaming videos, and losing another three and a half hours of instruction this week because their parents had the gall to stand up to this nonsense, but not the ability to come and retrieve them from the school.

This is what you don’t see, Mr. CEO with expertise in the “financial sector.” This is not about money. This is not about students’ abilities to meet a standard set forth by a corporation. This is not about a test.

It is about human lives, human quality of life, that with your impossible expectations and complete lack of experience in AN ACTUAL SCHOOL, you couldn’t possibly understand. Make the test digital! Have you ever thought for one moment that my school district, along with thousands of others, doesn’t have a computer for every student like your $8.6-billion-dollar-profit-in-one-year company can provide for its employees? And because of that, testing has to be spread out over days, weeks? Have you ever thought that the questions you ask students, that have been formulated by a team of specialists wanting to sell curricula to failing schools across the country, can’t even be answered by well-educated adults? Have you ever been a School Assessment Leader, a now-full-time position in every school in the nation, trying to balance the lives and supervision of pre-ACT, ACT, PARCC, ACCESS, Interims, SRI, and AP tests in the 180-day school year? (On that note, have you thought about when we would actually have time to do our jobs–TEACH?)

This is not a post about testing.

It is about the dark side of testing. The students who shout out that, “If this test doesn’t count for our grade, and doesn’t determine the classes we can take next year, and doesn’t count towards graduation, then why do we have to take it?” It is about the dark shadow that falls upon schools that are filled with impoverished children, abused children, children whose first language isn’t English, refugees, immigrants, affluent children, apathetic children and children who care more than anything about their education, and the teachers who commit most of their lives to their love for these children, and your. TEST. IS. MAKING. THEM. HATE. US.

Have you thought for a minute, a singular minute, to set foot inside a school? To see for yourself what the students see? To sit for one hour and forty-five minutes in ninth grade English, have a measly five-minute break, then go through the bug-ridden process of trying to log on and then take a math test in geometry that includes trigonometry questions that they won’t study until eleventh grade? Have you visited the students in the library who have lost half a week with the teacher who they wrote cards of gratitude for during teacher appreciation week?

Have you thought for ONE MINUTE about the human effects of your test?

This is not a post about testing. It is a post about you. About your company. About our society. About the people who chose this career not for a profit but for the love of children. They are not profit centers. They are not machines who can be reprogrammed to obediently accept all we dish out.

They are our future.

Please, Mr. Fallon. Let us be sure that we will still have a future to look forward to. Visit a school. Talk to a child. Be something other than a test.

Because this is not a post about testing.

Blame Game

i give exemplars
 rubrics defining each part
 yet you ignore them
 
 you’d rather blame me
 with a 2 a.m. complaint
 that i am unfair
 
 i cordially write
 explaining what makes papers
 but you don’t respond
 
 at school, more chaos:
 PARCC schedule: 2-hour class
 for ninth-grade babies
 
 it’s no wonder when
 one stands up shouting, cussing
 routine wrecked for tests
 
 what people don’t see:
 accountability lost
 teachers? the ones blamed
 
 and yet, i love them,
 want us all to be better,
 face our faults… and win
 

Try. Harder.

three theme paragraphs
 if saved could build your essay
 not important though
 
 apathy rules school
 am i wrong to wonder why?
 or wasting my time?
 
 disorganized hope
 for a better tomorrow
 can it ever come?
 
 
 

Cycling through the City

teary-eyed ending
 to fifteen-mile bike ride
 oh, but donut grin
 
 we stopped at projects
 perfect playground, tire swings
 Africans playing
 
 (my dream neighborhood:
 kids play outside, not with screens
 poverty beats us???)
 
 my middle child
 pedaling through our city
 here: my home, my heart
 
 

Guidebook for Twelve Years Old

I am the working mother, and he is home with them right now. This is why I receive a call from him–not from the school–after the incident has already occurred. First rule of being married to the person who knows me better than anyone on this planet: my phone does NOT ring while I’m at work unless there is an actual emergency. And that is why, as I stand surrounded by fifty students from seventy countries (whose names I spent 36 minutes taping to the backs of seats in preparation for the flag rehearsal), I walk out of the high school auditorium to take his call. That is why, three minutes later, I am picking up my backpack and running out the door, running against the violent spring wind uphill for 1.4 miles to meet my younger two daughters, to intercept their questions before they meet their oldest sister.

All the time I make the dash, I am thinking about what he said. A simple text to a girl whose name neither of us has heard. A quote found online that she was just telling me about yesterday: “Life doesn’t have a Control Z button.” (Our conversation continued with–Me: “What does Control Z do?” Her: “You know, UNDO.” Me: “That’s true!” Smile. Nod. Think of regrets, mistakes, times I wish I could have done something over. Perhaps she thought the same. “Cute quote.”)

And that girl’s email to their advisor: “I think Isabella is having suicidal thoughts.” And her advisor’s email to the interim school dean. And that dean calling her down to the office. And Isabella, first time in her entire school career being called to the office, becoming completely distraught. “Do you want to harm yourself? What is your home life like? How are things with your parents? Do you have friends at school?” And I don’t know what else. All I know is Bruce’s words related to me, of receiving three phone calls while he was in the shower and not understanding the dean’s heavy accent and walking into the school to see our twelve-year-old daughter crying in his office when he arrived, one hour before the school day was over.

And my two young babies, still in elementary: “Why can’t we stay and play, and why are you here instead of Daddy?” “Well, Daddy is home with Isabella.” And the momentary lapse of understanding, followed by questions. “Why is she home? Why isn’t she at school? What happened?” And the lie, one of eleven lies all adults make per week according to Riona’s read-aloud proclamation from her Weird but True book yesterday, “She wasn’t feeling well.” “Well what’s wrong? Her stomach or her head?” (Oh, Mythili). “Her head.” “Oh, I remember this one time when I had a headache and Ms. _____ wouldn’t let me go to the nurse and….” That is my life.

And I need a guidebook for Twelve Years Old. Man I thought fifth grade was hell. No friends, fresh from Spain, a little behind in all her schoolwork, and seeing nothing but pain flash across her face. But tell me, please don’t fucking tell me, that I have carried this child across the world and back with this ever-loving family wrapping its heart around her every tear, her every obnoxious teasing of younger sisters, for her to think at twelve years old that she wants to UNDO HER LIFE.

These are the things I don’t say to Mythili. The constancy of doubts that inundate a mother’s entire existence. The waves, weight of those doubts. Of the Spanish none of us really learned. Of the pieces we had to put back together, a world of debt and a house lost and a new career and a new everything, all sitting in that damn twenty-pound backpack her militaristic school makes her carry every day.

When I arrive home with the babies in tow, I go straight to her, already in pajamas at 3:52, fully engulfed in her fantasy novel. Just like my sister, her namesake. Trying to escape … something. Me? Him? School? The analysis could kill me. (Allow me this small irony). I sit beside her on the couch. “Hey sweetie… you OK?” Mythili pokes at her hair. “Looks like your headache’s gone” and Isabella flashes me the “I-know-Santa-doesn’t-exist” look. And she gets it, and I get it, she’s so my mini-me.

I text her father before I go to Spanish class (already mentioned–didn’t actually LEARN SPANISH while in Spain). “Were the phrases ‘Suicidal thoughts’ or any other such phrases used in her presence today?”

He doesn’t respond. I heat up pasta and wish for another night for this event. “We’ll talk later.”

He fills me in after they’re in bed. “I pulled over when … We talked about it. She knew what it was and started crying all over again, saying she’d been afraid of death her whole life and couldn’t imagine why anyone would do that…”

And he showed me the texts. The girl, the “friend,” didn’t even know at first who it was who was texting her. As soon as Isabella sent the text, the girl asked her if she wanted to kill herself. Isabella’s response: “What? I just thought it was funny.”

Is it me? Us? Our society? My children have lived nothing less than a sheltered life. Barely a PG-13 movie in their entire existence. Is it my daughter who should be pulled from class, made to think these thoughts, or the girl who had the idea in the first place? Why would she so rapidly jump to the conclusion that a silly little Internet quote meant suicidal thoughts? Why must the dean be informed, the school day cut short? Why bring this on all of us in this house, this home, this safety net we have wrapped around the twelve years of her precious life?

These are the questions I cannot answer without my Guidebook for Twelve Years Old. My working-mother-love-them-to-death-father-who-asks-the-true-questions lack of a guidebook. These are the questions I ask you: Does it ever get any easier? If so… when? (Please don’t say deathbed).

unadvertised grunt

standing, waiting, buses, crowds

in national parks

yes, the view is grand

if streams of tourists wait

rather than push, shove

green river bottom 

whiny pine cone crunching walk

patience slowly comes

what will they recall

twenty years, many paths hence?

the waiting canyon?

or jubilant chants

away from home, friends, phones, games

(they make their own games)

it’s all a game, right

to see nature carve her art

humans: dumbfounded

   

        

Consolation Prize

i don’t understand
 what you’ve done with these students
 since last semester

 
 i saw rowdy freshman
 who wouldn’t listen to me,
 the sub… anyone
 
 and now with rigor
 they listen, think, read, and write?
 how did you do it?

 
 i mention The Book
 (not the missing feedback talk)
 i smile and nod
 
 (consolation prize:
 yes, you’re a master teacher
 but not good enough)
 

 
 favoritism stings
 when ideas are trapped beneath
 brown-nosing bastards
 
 

Testing, Testing…

four hours of tests
 in this windowless hell fest
 Spanish comes to mind
 
 lunch union meeting
 complaints about white privilege
 first world problems
 
 (i want to tell them
 comparison is joy’s thief
 but they won’t listen)
 
 afternoon calls home
 to parents of failing kids
 Spanish practice dos
 
 then video view
 lesson to evaluate
 slim chance at progress
 
 audio walk home
 on a windswept cloudy March
 words too fast to grasp
 
 (Alice wonders why–
 in Carroll’s Spanish version
 –so many choices)
 
 then daughters’ chess meet
 and oldest’s plea for pi day
 (dough pulled from freezer)
 
 kitchen now stolen
 by eggs, bowls and pastry cream
 we drive to Wahoo’s
 
 kids eat free tonight
 run wild while hipsters drink

 (we rush home to bake)



 
 tripod ends my night
 (yoga the only answer
 to this chaos)
 
 and now i’m writing
 resolution of ideas
 not broken by tests

Party On

morning to myself
 planning till the end of school
 party on, teachers!
 
 PARCC is not so bad
 but we are American
 we’re born to argue
 
 with kids opting out
 to send snap chats of parties
 who will get punished?
 
 party on, teachers!
 (i still fight for them, my loves
 what else can i do?)
 
 though schools bear the weight
 of society’s choices
 future pays the price
 
 if i’d made the test
 they would trust me and take it
 knowing it’s real
 
 but we aren’t trusted
 we’re blamed, we bear the burden
 the party’s on us

My Truths Are Their Truths

I’m angry because even a good day with the kids can end as a hard day of being a parent. Because I fight for those closest to me, I put them first, and I still feel like I am driven into hell in the process. Because I love them so fiercely that it hurts, and their tears are my tears and my truths are their truths.

I’m angry because I am a friend, a true friend. I AM the one you can call on drink number four in the airport on your way to rehab after your family’s intervention, and I will listen to every damn slurred word and offer my condolences and love you and be right damn there for you when you come back and fight for you and defend you and take fucking sides for you and build up my enemies like walls against my progress in this life. Because I am your friend.

My loyalties are fierce and my bitterness is fiercer.

I would never beg to make plans and then cancel them. Twice. I would never rearrange my entire schedule to be absentmindedly forgotten for a snooze button. I would never let my best friend go, though she hated me off and on for years, because I knew she was meant for me, and I fucking fought for her, and I got her back, and I damn well will never lose her again. I would never say I am too busy for the person I once swore I loved as much as my husband of seventeen years.

Instead, this Saturday, we play Life. It lasts too long, he rushes us through the end, and Mythili wins (OF COURSE). We go to the park, the Perk, sip tea and nibble scones, Isabella does her interminable homework with her blue-collar Bud-Light-neon-signs-in-house best friend and my mother texts me wondering why we never ask her to come to the park since they live so close now. I offer the zoo for tomorrow and after an existential pause that lasts between two doses of learning the yoga headstand from Adriene, three piano songs played alongside my baby, and reenacting our Oxford memories with a hacky sack we toss across the living room knocking over pictures and plants, she replies with, “Your father isn’t interested in the zoo.” Though they live ten blocks from it. “Is he interested in seeing his granddaughters?” I die to text back. But I’ve learned to hold my tongue. And my fingers.

I’m angry because when I put them to bed there is a flashlight fight and search and a reminder of two nights ago. And I pull the Target bag off the top shelf and dig through the bug spray, the spare brush, the sunblock, the sweat-wicking longsleeved shirt, the set-aside items for a summer camp that’s never going to happen and find the fucking flashlights because Mythili will NOT go to bed without her book.

I’m angry because he murmurs from the room about my tenacity in setting aside these items, never to be touched between June and June and the baby going to her first summer camp this year, and because my dumb semi-drunk mouth just spills it all out in front of them: “It doesn’t matter because they’re not going to camp this year anyway since we don’t have the money.”

I’m angry because my mother sends these random texts such as: “I’m just wondering about life” and tells me about her millionaire uncle dying without a will and how tracking down his thirty-three nieces and nephews will take years as most of them don’t talk to each other and I have put nothing but Love and Love and Hugs and Cuddles into the lives of my three girls and I do NOT. Do NOT. Want to put my baby to bed crying tonight because she doesn’t even get to go to camp for her first year because I don’t have the damn money and we spent it all on a fucking car and my millionaire mom is going to inherit another thirty thousand but won’t even come to the goddamn zoo even when I offer her a free ticket.

I’m angry because I try so hard to be there. To find joy in those small moments that make up a day, like spinning them on a tire swing or singing along to Taylor Swift videos or opening up the yoga book or cuddling with our books in the corner of the couch or piling on top of each other in an array of pink to red.

And I would be there for the friends who ditch me. For the colleague who won’t even eat lunch in my presence. For any task at any job anyone would ever ask me to do.

And why can’t they? Why can’t you?

Just be there. Fucking. Be. There.