marriage

One of Those Moments

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

i can’t write without the wind.
i line up my alliteration
against the dustbowl afternoon,
the first time a great gale
almost forced me to the ground

it is one of those moments when
fear forces itself into my forefront
and i could forget where i’m going.
it is just me, my pedals, my perseverance,
and the dust that clings to every pore

i push on through a series of green lights
to the man i love
all the way back fifteen years, and
i tell him today (like so many other days)
of the ride i’ve had,
and in this moment
(it is one of those moments)
with the wearying wind, the look in his eyes,
i see my future lie before me

Particles of Light

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you are the feathered flowers
that lie buried
in the hand-me-down plant.
i want to run my fingers
across the petals and
pluck out the frilly baby’s breath,
put my nose deep into
the scent
that carries me back ten years,
that carries me to the moment
those flowers became you
(a tile floor, shards of glass,
love hidden in particles of light)

this is the love
that is too soft
for others to touch,
the flowers that will never die
though the plant may fade
into the reality of life cycles,
you will still be as brightly beautiful
as the moment
i placed the stems
in the oh-so-fragile vase,
forgetting for a moment
how what breaks us
is what makes us

If I Were to Make You Mine

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i know you had it in you this morning,
the urge to pull me close,
to wrap me in your warmth.
i know it was there between each of us.
could i have spared more time?
could i have cut back
on the hills hovering before me?

sometimes i wonder about the miles
that lie between here and there:
how tightly knit they appear,
how curvacious and beautiful they can be

and if i were to make you mine,
would i have seen the shrinking moon,
would i have made all the green lights
that graciously gave me my record time?
would i have been the same person,
giving in to one moment over another?

these small decisions
made before dawn
are the ones that haunt us in the end

I Couldn’t Begin to Describe

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she is crying again
he asks why and only i know
those are my tears on her face
i smile outwardly
it’s amazing how outwardly i smile
on nights like this?
these are the nights
when i wonder
if i will ever get over this

her request is so simple
it is five-year-old simple
please don’t go to work mama
it is all i have ever asked
and all i have ever known
all warped in the same twisted
conundrum

without him i would lose myself
(she says another story)
and i cannot commiserate
because
without
him
i
would
lose
myself

i couldn’t begin to describe
i couldn’t begin to describe
the person i met
(i was just a baby)
who i knew i would marry
i couldn’t begin to describe
the fortune sent by God himself
(he would hate that i include Him)
at age nineteen
i couldn’t begin to describe
the man i married

you would never understand
you could never understand
and just like i tell my
nine-year-old daughter
don’t marry anyone who is
not as good as him
–and what if i don’t find
someone as good as him
(God how she’s my daughter)
then don’t get married
(insert tears)
OK Mama
i couldn’t begin to describe
just
the
person
you
will
never
see

Electrified Files

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outspoken as always
he asks why i smile
she loves watching us work,
his classmate chimes in
(all teachers live for torture)

he has caught me in a moment
(one of many on this first day back)
where my available memory sits
on the forefront of my monitor
(the smile will never be far
from lips that can’t hide happiness)

(i will never tell him
i will tell almost no one)
the images i tuck in electrified files
at the base of my hard drive
ready to upload
a screensaver’s pleasure
at the smiling touch of a keyboard

The Royal Arch

/ lovizmytrio / 1 Comment

i can run up this hill
(it is more like a mountain)
i’ll take my years-old Adidas
and pound my way, breathless,
till i see that rock formation

sweat streams from my pores
and i snatch glances back at you
we might as well go all the way now
i point out, once we see the
.23 miles left sign at the top of the pass

you must rest, drink, and i gather in
the view of the rock-steps,
the city of my dreams,
and your sweat/cologne scent
while i wait for you

the last stretch, trail hidden
by a trickling waterfall
amongst rocks so steep we must
use the strength of our palms to pull,
is always the hardest

there it is though…
the arch that has rested above my world
for all of my life,
and without this beautiful day,
these strenuous steps,
without you, i would have missed it

Coldness Tinged with Darkness

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

as we sit outside
in coldness tinged with darkness
she tells me what the backside of my brain
already knew

why i have to hear these words from her
from her
is enough to start the flow
and i wonder how i will
ever step back inside

he is gone into the night
and i want to see
the amazing person
she tells me i fell in love with
but i am bursting inside
with the aftertaste
of the words we spat at each other

i will drive in circles
searching for him
but only to throw anger
back into his face

he lies wrapped
in his usual coma of disengagement
we sit on the edge of the bed
it is almost laughable
all of us together like this
like this
fully clothed
tears and anger
to replace
laughter and love

there is nothing left to say
he says
there is nothing left to say
and i step back into
the coldness tinged with darkness
where i will search
for the words he’ll never share with me

Nothing Short of Art

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

we sit in central citified sun
sipping smoothies and lattes,
munching on freshly baked croissants
and chatting with strangers
on a day so warm it can’t be
the third week of January
(a beauty we all share
as we peel off our winter coats)

they skip alongside on an impromptu adventure,
moving along the zero street,
playing pig and picking out dates
on ovular stamps in concrete.

we enter the train store
and examine the pure wonder
of details so tiny, humans
standing knee-deep in plexiglass water,
monkeys climbing up a fallen-apart billboard,
and fast-moving trains. one declares,
it is nothing short of art

later i pedal into the wind
around the dam and up the hill
until i see the circular beauty of the lake,
and its curvacious path
interweaves me with a hundred pairs of legs,
all taking advantage
of this day like no other

before i am home
i am home,
and can almost forget
the tears whose all night sting
kept my eyes bleeding till morning,
the two dark, cold miles of separation,
and the hollowness of our words
that find their way
into the poems he wishes i wouldn’t write.

Estamos Bien

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

mañana tenemos el
Acción de Día de Gracias tercera

he stands in an airport
with laughter at the back of his voice,
the emotion so close to tears
that they sit waiting
on the edges of my lids

estamos bien.
tenemos una avión mañana por la mañana

because we are all well
with them in our midst–
so un-American to be grateful
for a night longer,
a missed flight,
a smile that we’ve all tucked away
inside ourselves
(that he fishes out
as easily as catching
tadpoles on a hot June day)

Thanksgiving dos,
we sit and share thanks:
one of the four girls
mentions her extra parents
(the highlight of the evening)

i bring forth my Spaniards
(absent)
but with an ever-present influence
on every thought i have,
on every emotion that has crossed my heart
in the four short months
that i have made them mine

Isabella gives me the look
as if i could forget
the reason we are all gathered,
for without these four girls,
none of this happiness
could float in the room
carrying the
feliz día de los padres
mylar balloon
up to the ceiling,
zhuzhu pet attached,
miracle in place
(can you see it?)

and the Spaniards?
they would live somewhere else,
and our surrealistic vision
of tomorrow
would be so.
real.
so.
unimaginative.

instead?
i hear him laugh
about fumando el toro,
the night in the airport
and our third,
and final,
Thanksgiving meal.

A New Tomorrow

/ lovizmytrio / 1 Comment

i will rise and wash away this day
i will remember yesterday
the passion that sandwiched
morning and night
the friendlovefriendlove
that has become my life
i will take my daughters’ words
embrace them in my arms
instead of throwing them back
i will be a new tomorrow