the beat is in the background
subtle
wavering
but i can still hear it.
instrumentals move in
twangy
sweet
vocals pounding microphone.
lyrics flow (honey from mouth)
stretched
anticipatory
words that try to hide it.
a breath, a moment without verse
ba-dum
ba-dum
breaking through the song.
i wait for the beat to take over
penetrating
impregnable
for you to hear what i hear.
her words escaped you
two years ago,
your never-sit-still antics
keeping your ears
from listening.
i read aloud now,
my attempt at
a Scottish accent
as pitiful as the pink umbrella
Hagrid uses to
pull out the pig’s tail,
and you sit, still as a stone,
asking for another chapter.
though the words
your Daddy and I have loved
for almost as long as
your Daddy and I have been
together
are just now
casting their spell on you,
i am grateful for
whatever words will lead you
into our love of literature.
i am not here in this moment
of screaming, cussing anger.
i am magically moving my father’s car
into another dimension
here, at home, where i have a husband
who in thirteen years has barely
raised a voice, let alone allowed a cuss
in a world that is love, love, love.
you may pull forward your Sorento
and disappear into your hateful reality.
i prefer to remain in the dimension of love
that shields my heart from your evility.
you will drive home, your elderly parents
unable to determine where they went wrong.
i will drive until he takes the wheel from my
shaking hands, his hands on my hands, my heart.
she shines a light
that she’ll only sometimes
allow us to see.
for the most part,
she’s masked in mystery
that neither of us understands.
so when i see a ray
shine through, please do not
block its passage into the night.
i have coaxed her for years,
just as i have coaxed you. yet,
light eludes me, darkness ensues.
who you see here tonight?
it’s the me he dislikes
how i laugh, laugh, laugh
exposing everything
in my (their) disbelief
it’s a standing joke now
(gift card to prove it)
and i will smile all the way
until tomorrow
carrying her hands on my hands
her eyes on my eyes
how i see what others do not
how i know what others do not
everything, everything exposed
just like that night in the car
when it was so, so, beautifully orgasmic
and i swallowed it whole
my love
i swallowed the cool air
the bitter whiskey
the smooth rum
the cream cheese
because it is all a part
of the here and now,
the then
the me whom i love
and hate
whom i love
and hate.
on giant skewers
more sword-like than knife-like
they shave off our marinated meat.
we pile it on top of our
quail eggs, turkey salami,
and marinated mushroom salads.
they pop up every thirty seconds
until our plates are smaller than our eyes
and the tastes linger, love in our mouths.
you walk with me across this city, hands in pockets.
we look at all the lights. we stop
for coffee/tea in our bookstore.
the horses are decorated with glittered hooves
and Santa bells, antlers strapped on
and Mrs. Claus at the reigns.
we step into the tower again. the Santa-hatted
door man convinces us to go downstairs.
we laugh until we cry and miss the light rail.
the crisp winter air bites at our lungs
as we walk from stop to stop. images and tastes
boil up within my blood. you keep me warm.
it is three in the morning before we’re home.
the years have marinated, because we never did this,
not once, before we had them.
now it’s more glorious than any gift you could have given me.
was it the meal, the rainbow of lights on Larimer, the show?
i will never know. only passion will i remember.
it’s still here
this place i knew
where last i came
under these same sparkling
rays of light
as a teenager with friends
where we bought coffee
and chocolate
shipped in from Vermont
where we sat in
these same heart-shaped
wire-backed
uncomfortable wooden chairs
and laughed and laughed
and walked around
looking at expensive
hot cocoas
and liberal media magazines,
the same ones
that line the shelves this evening,
beer and dinner in our stomachs,
i fall in love all over again.
the leaves left from fall
dance across our patio,
their crisp skeletal skins skidding
to the howling background hymn.
this same howling harmony
danced across the road today,
beating me down to my bones
as i pushed toward a quieter tune.
trapped inside a fluorescent prison,
i couldn’t quite find the melody
that with a few angry notes
the wind whipped out of me.
perhaps you stand somewhere
on the other side of the sky,
unable to hear the song i sing
amidst the howling, haunting music.
the time between then and now
could be a moment
or a thousand days.
it is blurry to me, mixed in
with the constant complaints
of blossoming children,
work that binds me,
responsibility that i
sometimes wish i could shed.
i still remember those youthful nights
that in no way i am now allowed.
you might remember too,
your passion mixed with mine.
i have tried to find it,
searching somewhere deep,
but even with my eyes closed,
mixed with characters who haunt me,
i cannot remedy what can’t be fixed.
all i can see
as we drive home in silence
from a date
that we never get
that has allowed us no words
is the bicyclist
who races his pedals up the hill
nearly as fast as our pedals
can drive us
and how you,
you will never see
the beauty that i see.
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