forgot her pencil
add to the list of hours
now lost from our lives
impossible choice
parent failure never ends
and doubt always wins
what’s a pencil worth?
droopy eyes, stressed homework spells
my child no more
i wanted the best
since data governs our lives
and steals our children
hour detention
for forgetting her pencil
whose data buys time?
this park is our church
(we rode past three on the way)
god is in details
dress-obsessed oldest
on a limb over a lake
this windy fall day
blessed to have new friends
and her two shadow sisters
nothing like my youth
(how i would have loved
my sister to include me–
just to be my friend)
outdoor play keeps them
a ring of companionship
beauty comes in threes
we don’t need sabbath
just the joy of our family
god lives in us all
estoy de goma
rubber burning insides out
what was i thinking?
stress toasted with fun
drinks in hand, trick-or-treating
but i got tricked
my worst hangover
while baby cuddled me warm
pajamas all day
will i ever learn
that joy is in their faces
not in this poison?
cold reality
when we hide behind costumes
and drink to tell truths
to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?
let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:
back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering
second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents
baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard
oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff
garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell
let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday
Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)
to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood
an hour of work
but i am no hairdresser
falls loose too quickly
parents up above
glass ceiling meant for spying
friends hear her grievance
she flashes the look
exasperated with me
behind glass, i wave
when this is over
will i have the nice photo
or preteen ‘tude chant?
on the way to camp
my little ones’ voices sang
loving farewell chant
why can’t she stay young
choose camp over awkward dance
to throw her mom looks?
why can’t we stay young
choose love over wanton youth
and just be ourselves?
not a single soul
in this forty-person room
has guts to speak truth
sadly, nor do i
phone in hand, blog post ready
[i can’t lose her now]
you see, i’ve lost her
and the darkness in my heart?
no match on this Earth
so i won’t speak truth
i’ll sugar-coat it, smile, nod:
age brings clarity
in that clarity
drink-free, sunny fall Sunday
i die to tell all
in her card, later
she’ll see every word and cry
for all that’s lost, gained
she couldn’t find words
only pics, video, songs
everything for him
i still feel empty
she texts me later, heart burned
you’re the only one…
even her husband
didn’t know who her dad was
[i’ve known her longer]
after the speeches
seeing her, baby in arms?
the love. of my life.
she is my best friend
her loss is my loss, our loss
never hers alone
bubbles in the sky
blown from his loving, warm lips
i live her longing
not a single soul
who speaks, making him perfect
will dare speak the truth
will i dare speak it?
a shadow follows her life
dark, drinking daddy
Eritrean lunch
post-war teacher offering
how blessed they make me
youngest’s six sound bites
mad, glad, hungry, scared… favorite?
Mama’s “Für Elise”
tears backstage, waiting
for a song i can’t quite play
that’s her favorite sound?
middle school yelling
another homework battle
oldest sets standards
caught in the middle
daughter two rattles school story
steals bed time cuddles
how spicy, this meal
carried across continents
homemade, just like us
two chances to prove
that i deserve to be here
fall, winter, fierce fear
two chances plagued twice
year before? a standard test
today? dead Internet
set up my failure
as Google Classroom crashes
tearing me to bytes
i wish she loved them
as fully as i love them
instead? i strike out
after school, i walk
to get six-day car hostage
and then i see them:
top down, sun shining
classic MG sports car grins
this October day
yes, my mechanics
can charge whatever they want
cruise streets in fixed cars
we’ll be right over
hood open, my car broken
and i’m the failure?
daughter calls: tire flat.
sun, why dost thou forsake me
shining so damn bright?
my car stays hostage
we’ll walk into tomorrow
blindsided by fall
(i’ll dream of driving
of summers off, beach tours
of all that bytes me)
a rainy Sunday
filled with empty prayers to god
that i can’t quite hear
imagine this life
wasted living for heaven
all to hide our grief
let grief live on earth
with our hands upon our hearts
bleeding to let go
the clouds broke evening
god did not exempt the rain
it flooded our souls
homework Saturday
spun through web of fall colors
parked our playground joy
old enough to ride
and catch dreams along the way
my girls growing up
last of season cones
pumpkin pie, football flavors
as the north wind blows
still sing childhood
though the oldest’s lost in books
hope i can find her
leaves sprinkle the ground
like fire light our way home
home… life Saturday
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