For My Sister on Her Fiftieth Birthday

Life is a miracle, and my sister is proof. She has had more than one direct encounter with death, and has not only survived, but thrived, at living her life.

Her life. She won’t allow anyone to dictate how her life looks, for she is her own author.

She is the author of the young woman, barely nineteen, standing at that cold January bus stop waiting for the ever-late RTD, flakes falling, breath puffing whiny wisps of gray carbon dioxide, chemo in her veins, and earning an associate’s degree on top of losing her hair and puking morning to night and losing all the weight she couldn’t afford to live without, and. Living. Breathing. Being.

Yet, she isn’t cancer. She is a woman who has raised two daughters who know how to spin a Rubik’s Cube faster than the record, run thirty seconds or thirty wishes faster than yesterday, know how to skip grades or skip through a divorce in a way that you wouldn’t even know what hit them, and you should see the woman, the mother, the aunt, their mother has become. So far from that bus stop, so far from that shell of herself.

In her fiftieth year on this earth, thirty years past that last chemo treatment, my sister is climbing mountains. That string of hot lightning is behind her, striking just far enough for her to continue down the trail. She is still on the trail, her hair grown back, her daughters behind her, climbing that mountain, stopping to smell the native blooms and criticize the invasive species of plants, wholly herself.

She and I once walked to Machu Picchu. Four days of hiking on carved stone steps, up and down the Andean rainforest, left behind by Peruvian porters who could carry all our tents, sleeping bags, fuel, and food while running past us in old-tire sandals, AND fix our dinner before we made it, because… my sister was studying every last plant, soaking in every last view, and living her life. On the third day of carrying her heavy pack, one of the porters asked her if she needed help. “Yes,” she breathlessly exclaimed in her flawless Spanish, “and I will pay you anything you’re asking to carry my bag.” And what did he do but take her cash and strap that bag to five others on the top of his back so that she could spend more of her hours identifying the endemic plant species of the Inca Trail?

That is my sister, climbing her mountains. It might not be your typical peak-hungry viewpoint, but from her viewpoint, you will see something smaller that makes the world so much bigger. You will see the endemic butterflies, the droplets of humidity, the life-giving leaves that live amongst the pollution… the hope.

My sister, my constant childhood companion, the only one who knows what I know in the same and unequal way that I know it. She is marking half a miraculous century on this earth, and we are so lucky to have her on this earth.

Life is a miracle, and my sister is proof. I hope she can prove it for another fifty years, or however long it takes for her to live her life the way she chooses. Stopping to smell the flowers, breathing life into her motherhood, being herself. Never mind a few stone steps, a bout of chemo, a rockfall, or a lightning strike along the way. My sister knows how to live her life.

Her life. Happy birthday to my beautiful, strong, survivalist sister.

The Last Plane

Red hair, green eyes, tall and sure of himself, he peeks into my room, searching for a familiar face after lunch. I have seen this look before, as my students often seek their native-language counterparts.
 
 “Who are you looking for?” I ask, the after-lunch crowds raucously meandering around our conversation.
 
 “I am looking for you. I am a new student.” His accent is smooth and meticulous, genteel and articulate.
 
 “Oh, OK. What’s your name?”
 
 “Arvin.”
 
 “Where are you from?”
 
 “Iran.”
 
 “Iran? … And… how did you get here??” But I have to look away because the tears are already in my eyes.
 
 “I boarded the plane on Friday morning. I was in the last group of Iranians to come.”
 
 I want to continue the conversation, but I can’t. I can’t because the tears will fall. I can’t because I have to teach for the next ninety minutes. I can’t because every waking moment of my life since this election, since this inauguration, have become a cycle of servitude. Of serving this need or the next, of wishing for this and receiving that, of hoping for the best and seeing the worst.
 
 Instead I tell him where to sit and hand him a hard copy of I Am Malala. We will listen to the lilting Pakistani accent from Audible today as we continue to highlight human rights violations from the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (we will highlight thirteen incidents in three chapters; we will connect media suppression and fascism and women’s rights to an education too closely to our lives; we will hear Fazlullah’s rants with an American accent).
 
 My weekly volunteer returns from the library after a time with a group of students. She meets with my Iranian student to explain to him his role in the group as they create posters connecting Malala’s experiences to the UDHR. He fits in well and tells the group he cannot draw very efficiently, so can he please have the role of interpreting the quotation from the chapter and connecting it to the UDHR document?
 
 He has been here for five days. He got in on the LAST PLANE.
 
 After class, my retired-white-woman volunteer asks, “If he just got here from Iran, how come he can speak English?”
 
 And that is when I decide.
 
 I have to start here. Right in this moment. With this woman who drives one mile from her upscale mansion in Cherry Creek North to “make a difference.”
 
 “Pretty much all of the students who come here learned English before they came. Usually only the refugees have interrupted schooling. But most countries start teaching English when the kids are in kindergarten.”
 
 I swear her jaw drops ten inches. She wants to say something, but she doesn’t have the words to describe her ignorance.
 
 “Oh…”
 
 And now you know, I want to say. But I don’t. I don’t cry when I want to, because I have to be strong for them. I don’t tell her that Trump’s America is not my America, not Arvin’s America. I don’t tell her that the combination of students in this room represents the values of our country better than most Americans I know. That a red-headed Iranian entering my classroom five days past an executive order banning Muslims is as beautiful to me as Ziauddin’s tears in the New York Times documentary as he sees Swat for the first time in three months (which we watch at the end of class).
 
 Instead, I say, “Thank you for your help. I’ll see you next Wednesday.”
 
 And that is all I can do to resist.
 
 All for today.

We Name Ourselves Hope

for election week

we read I Am Malala

hope covers dark thoughts

To Laugh Until I Cry. To Live Until I Die.

In the crook of early January, three weeks since seeing my students, on a cold wintry Saturday morning I shlep across town to make lesson plans with three other colleagues.

Later I will heat water for hot tea and curl in my recliner with a book, wishing I could write a novel as lyrically beautiful as Caramelo as my children wander in and out of rooms, in and out of our house and the neighbor’s, in and out of wanting to be near their dear old mom.

This after two attempts to jumpstart the old Hyundai whose lights I left on in our trek to the grandparents’ house last night.

This after listening to dating tales and math updates and wondering what it would really be like to be a single woman in modern America.

This after coloring intricate books with the girls in the brief time between our latest tech argument and the neighbor’s reemergence.

So is our Saturday, chicken defrosting in the sink, chores done and Echo playing my Pandora playlist to suit the color of my mood.

No dog to walk, no true purpose to the day other than making plans for a class no one really wants to teach.

What sits in the back of my mind is how easily I want to be able to relax. To have a deep and thought-provoking conversation that is justifiably, blood-burningly exciting. To laugh until I cry. To live until I die.

To take these lonely household moments and flip them over or back or somewhere else, when my children were small and my Chihuahua never left the warmth of my leg, when my marriage was young and everything we thought and did was about each other, not some game or book or phone or faraway friend.

In the crook of early January, holidays left out on the curb waiting for a second chance at life (mulch me till I can be reborn!), the cold of winter settles into my bones. The winter of this year, of my children’s childhood, of my marriage, nineteen years in the making.

Even with the beauty of the flakes that fall, their demise lies in slushy streets and icy black pavement, ready to trick any masterful driver, so used to winter but not its ugly, dry-grassed truth that lies beneath the surface.

In the crook of early January, I wait for the sun to rise high in the sky. For the snow to melt. For the tree to be taken. For the hollowness that hides inside this nook to break open in me a new way of looking at the world. For the bend of this season to straighten out into a road I can see, wide and clear and as questionless as a summer’s day.

But in the crook of January, there are no summer days. There are only questions.

World of Words

after the backyard pool
and sprinkler,
the iPod, iPad, and DVD,
all I ask is that you sit
and listen to a story
for six minutes.

but my competition is too
fierce for us,
and the dropping sun,
the humid air,
and my readiness for your
bed time
lead to exhausted screams
from all of us.

tomorrow we will try again
when all the electronics
and water contraptions
are tucked out of your mind,
when we have a quiet moment
to pretend that they don’t exist,
that books could draw us
together with their magical
world of words,
when we can be
mother and daughters,
not slaves to the technology
that brings these lines to you,
that simultaneously
tears us apart.