Peppered

For Jana Clark

you are still in your same house
(i have the address memorized)
my favorite neighborhood,
across the sea from me now.
you lived there then,
the Septembers of my youth,
peppered with your words
that ask me now to write a memory

i could write about the time when
in one weekend warm weather withered
into a bitterly cold fall,
my first year of college
one heartbreak crashing into another,
the Labor Day break just a reminder
that warmth no longer existed

or back in the day,
my naivete governing all thoughts,
i believed i was becoming a woman,
my ache for belonging too great a need
as i gave myself to him
(thinking the whole time
i need to tell my best friend,
the sharing of the news
more meaningful than the milestone)

but none of these match up,
they can’t quite compare
to the memories i make today,
four weeks after you stood beside me in the bar
and begged me to cast my ballot

i am in a new dimension of reality
where Romans and Carthagenians
march across town in handmade
togas, swords, and shields,
peppered with brightly lit rides
and rebuilt Rome, chock full
of every marisco you never quite knew

my September to remember,
no falling leaves,
no fall festival,
just skinned rabbits in the grocer,
fresh bread on every corner,
and your words peppered
in the background of all i do,
of all i am, all these years
and miles later.

Average Speed of Satisfaction

Today I had my first real bike ride since arriving in Spain. Yes, I have ridden my bike almost every day, but riding around this city is merely to save a few minutes of time, not for enjoyment. There are so many crosswalks to have to stop at, and the bike paths are on sidewalks full of pedestrians who refuse to get out of the way and almost seem to pride themselves, instead, on getting IN the way, so it’s not a fast-paced, Cherry-Creek-Bike-Path kind of experience. Not to mention if you ride on the side of the road you have to constantly slow down and look behind you as you pull around whatever random car that is double-parked in front of you.

I have come across a few “back roads” to get from one side of the city to the other in half the time, and I began my morning ride on one today, then riding along the harbor and heading towards the closest beach. It was a bit of a climb, and I wanted to take a back road, but missed it, and was stopping to check the map on my iPhone when two guys on mountain bikes cycled past me. Everyone here who has a bike has a mountain bike or a foldable bike. Today I learned why.

Though they were in front of me, I finally got to use my favorite cycling term of all time, “On your left!” as we pedaled up the hill (though I’m sure they didn’t understand my American-accented Spanish version of this phrase). Of course the two men on mountain bikes couldn’t keep pace with me!!

I reached the crest of the hill and stopped to take a few photos of the harbor, the mountains, and the Mediterranean. Not exactly the same views as home, but I think I’ll survive. 🙂

At last, just after the beach and having to ride through two tunnels (very frightening, as they were just wide enough for two cars, but as usual, anywhere outside of this city has ZERO traffic), I saw the back road I’d wanted to take that led to the top of the mountain bearing a castle… It was full of gravel two inches thick, and a passel of mountain biking men were making their way up the trail. It was the first moment in my bike-life where I was disappointed with my Fuji. Access denied!

Nevertheless, I continued down the main road, hoping to gather some other great views, only to be disappointed again by a fuel refinery whose smoke filled a large cove and choked me as I pedaled uphill.

Despite these two small disappointments, I felt amazing. Rather than averaging the Cartagena-city-limits speed of 8 mph, I was at least able to come out of my morning with a 13-mph (hey, I said mountains, remember??) average speed of satisfaction. I could actually feel my muscles tightening, my quads pulling themselves into a gratified smile. How could I have put this ride off for so long??? Oh wait… I was trying to adjust to this insane schedule they have here of staying up late and getting up just before work.

Well… they can put the girl in Spain, but they can’t take the Colorado out of the girl. I think it’s time to start setting my alarm so I can brighten my day with the beauty of actual cycling.

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Average Speed of Satisfaction

Today I had my first real bike ride since arriving in Spain. Yes, I have ridden my bike almost every day, but riding around this city is merely to save a few minutes of time, not for enjoyment. There are so many crosswalks to have to stop at, and the bike paths are on sidewalks full of pedestrians who refuse to get out of the way and almost seem to pride themselves, instead, on getting IN the way, so it’s not a fast-paced, Cherry-Creek-Bike-Path kind of experience. Not to mention if you ride on the side of the road you have to constantly slow down and look behind you as you pull around whatever random car that is double-parked in front of you.

I have come across a few “back roads” to get from one side of the city to the other in half the time, and I began my morning ride on one today, then riding along the harbor and heading towards the closest beach. It was a bit of a climb, and I wanted to take a back road, but missed it, and was stopping to check the map on my iPhone when two guys on mountain bikes cycled past me. Everyone here who has a bike has a mountain bike or a foldable bike. Today I learned why.

Though they were in front of me, I finally got to use my favorite cycling term of all time, “On your left!” as we pedaled up the hill (though I’m sure they didn’t understand my American-accented Spanish version of this phrase). Of course the two men on mountain bikes couldn’t keep pace with me!!

I reached the crest of the hill and stopped to take a few photos of the harbor, the mountains, and the Mediterranean. Not exactly the same views as home, but I think I’ll survive. 🙂

At last, just after the beach and having to ride through two tunnels (very frightening, as they were just wide enough for two cars, but as usual, anywhere outside of this city has ZERO traffic), I saw the back road I’d wanted to take that led to the top of the mountain bearing a castle… It was full of gravel two inches thick, and a passel of mountain biking men were making their way up the trail. It was the first moment in my bike-life where I was disappointed with my Fuji. Access denied!

Nevertheless, I continued down the main road, hoping to gather some other great views, only to be disappointed again by a fuel refinery whose smoke filled a large cove and choked me as I pedaled uphill.

Despite these two small disappointments, I felt amazing. Rather than averaging the Cartagena-city-limits speed of 8 mph, I was at least able to come out of my morning with a 13-mph (hey, I said mountains, remember??) average speed of satisfaction. I could actually feel my muscles tightening, my quads pulling themselves into a gratified smile. How could I have put this ride off for so long??? Oh wait… I was trying to adjust to this insane schedule they have here of staying up late and getting up just before work.

Well… they can put the girl in Spain, but they can’t take the Colorado out of the girl. I think it’s time to start setting my alarm so I can brighten my day with the beauty of actual cycling.

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Let Me In

feels like a weekend
and you’re missing my poems
just like i’m missing my words
me falta todo

rain seeps into every crevice
palm fronds droop
under the weight of water
and no one can believe me
(as usual)
when i tell them,
yes, i’m still coming,
yes, estoy en frente de tu edificio
open the door
let me in,
let me in,
let me be a part of your warmth
for this moment in time

(do you not see?
wet Crocs and all,
your money buys the barras de pan,
the giant bottle of olive oil,
the food to feed my family?
rain? rain? have you seen snow???)

i don’t have the words
to tell you how lonely
these morning moments are.
we watch from the balcony
the strange sounds at 4am,
like our 2.5-hour washer,
only different,
pouring out of God’s hands
and flooding the streets

my children’s first school holiday
inundated with entrapment
as they pitch fits about cleaning rooms
and pace hallways until
a stolen movie subdues them

there will be days like this
nights like this
with no escape
the small piso on level three
our only window to the world

and this
this
is when i miss you most

Coffee and Cigarettes

Spanish homes are spotless. Mothers put on special aprons to clean and everyone has a mop set like in a restaurant. They may have round-the-house clothing styles such as sweats and workout shirts, but they will never wear these things in public. I have seen them actually change clothes to run downstairs to the grocery store at the bottom of their building! How strange they must think I am, showing up at their doorsteps clad in bike shorts, clip-in shoes, a cycling jersey and a helmet in hand. No wonder I get wide-eyed looks wherever I go. I’m sure they just put their surprise aside and say to themselves, “Those crazy Americans.”

Perhaps they’re right. We are a bit crazy, or at least I’m a bit crazy. Not so sure anyone I know would drag a family across the sea for a year in Spain, but I’m pretty positive there’s not a crazy enough person on the planet to ALSO drag her bicycle with her!!

I thought for sure that everyone here would walk everywhere, and that the public transportation system would be awesome, much more effective than in the United States. I am disappointed to announce that both beliefs are untrue. Spaniards walk. Hell, there are crosswalks every five seconds, and all cars obey them if a pedestrian is present (Boulder! I’m living in Boulder, a dream come true!!). But Spaniards walk two blocks to the closest market or cafe, and then they either drive (most of them have cars) or sit patiently for the bus to take them the rest of the one mile if they have to go any further than that. I have no idea how they have the patience to wait for a bus that takes them nowhere. The bus system here is completely ineffective. To get from my apartment to the center of the city, where anything and everything happens, it is an easy two-mile walk (or cycle!), or I can wait, pay 1,20€, and take not one, but TWO buses. Why would anyone in their right mind choose to wait and pay for a bus when walking is much better for the body?

Speaking of bodies, Spaniards are beautiful people. I have seen more attractive people here than just about anywhere else. And of course they’re all skinny. To go along with my original beliefs, I’d always assumed they were thin from having to walk everywhere. But that’s not it. Not in the least.

After a month of having to choke on the constant smell of tobacco, adjust to the Spanish siesta schedule where we have to wait from 7:30 till 3:00 to eat? I have finally come up with the reason Spaniards are so thin: coffee and cigarettes. They live for their cafes, and for the outdoor seating which affords them the ability to smoke at all hours of the day. Even the teachers smoke!! Ugh! I’ve never seen so many smokers in all my life.

I guess we all have our demons. Mine is a bicycle I can’t live without, theirs are appearances on every occasion (even an errand) and needing tobacco to make it between meals. No matter how we choose to make it through the day, I think we can all look at each other and say, “Vale. No pasa nada.”

He Perdido Mis Palabras

And do you know what I hate the most? I am a wordsmith. OK, maybe not the most amazing worker of words the world has ever seen, but I can say what I need to say, and what anyone else might be thinking as well, in a way that is genuine, that people can understand.

Do you know how difficult it is to go through each day and NOT be able to say what you want to say? To barely understand what those around you say in order to come up with an appropriate response? I am no longer witty. I am no longer audacious. I am just an ignorant fuck who sounds like a bumbling idiot.

If you were me, if you were the one whose parents and teachers told her at age eight, “You have a gift for words, you should be a writer,” do you know how difficult each waking moment would be? To know that your words were gone, stripped, tossed away? That your children’s words, the social butterfly oldest’s especially, the one who finds a friend in every circumstance, but has fear and anxiety now due to her language barrier, are all taken away??

And I ask myself, why am I here? Why have I demeaned myself to this extent that I will sit here crying for hours because my principal hates me so much that he told the department head that I deserved to be on my own, to travel to Murcia alone and figure out how to do my job because I have been so COLD to him???

I have met him twice, briefly, and I didn’t say much. I don’t talk much here. I am not myself. And now I am hated for not being myself, just like I am hated in other places for using my mouth too fucking much.

Why would I do this? Why would I turn down a viable job with a decent salary to become a teacher assistant in a foreign country where I CLEARLY don’t fit in, where the language burns my tongue, limits my every movement, where we are paupers with kids in a shitty school, where I have pulled myself ten notches down from my earned position in life?

The irony of it all: to learn a language. To find a new set of words, a new way of describing the world, to take on and imbed the words somewhere deep down, plant them in my soul for the hope of a different, better, view of this world.

Por favor. Ayúdame. He perdido mis palabras!

And It’s Not All Warm and Cozy

I wish I could say to you in English how I feel, how you have made me feel. Smaller than an ant. Like an evil bitch. Speechless. ME. The mouthiest person you will never know, and I am now getting myself into trouble for NOT talking???

Please, let me give you a moment in my life. Just a tad. You go ahead and take your pretty little fanny onto a plane with your wife and three children, all who speak English much less than you, and start a job in an American school. You will probably meet twenty people on your first day. You will be introduced, shake hands, and not even be able to remember who is who, what department they work in, or what their names are. You will be surrounded by words you’ve never heard, gestures you’re unfamiliar with, and you will not know the appropriate response.

You will go home, walk the streets, perhaps one of your colleagues might see you, but you can’t remember who in the flurry of your first few days, when you have been traipsing across town filling out forms, trying to enroll your children in a decent school, and nodding transparently to everyone you meet whose words you cannot comprehend.

You might be just a little, um, COLD. Not because you are a cruel person, not because of the country you come from. Because YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.

And just like you don’t understand these words I type for you now, you certainly don’t understand me. You have already written me off like I’m dirt, without taking a moment to consider that every moment of my life for the past five months has been either gut-wrenching disappointment and fear or overwhelming confusion. Can you give me a break and consider how difficult this is for me? I am not a twenty-year-old college student whose parents are funding a fun time in Spain. I HAVE PUT MY ENTIRE LIFE ON THE LINE FOR YOU, FOR THIS “JOB,” AND YOU DON’T EVEN GIVE ME A SECOND THOUGHT.

But it’s OK. I’m the one who’s being cold, right?

Dear Spain: I Have a Plan for Your Instability!!

Yes, I know, walking down these brightly lit, tiled-sidewalk streets with the happening cafes, shops, and panaderias, you think you have it all. But are you forgetting about your poor people who can’t afford to pay 653€ for a stroller? There are people here without jobs, and your solution is to raise taxes on children’s textbooks and raise gas prices?

I have a better idea. Why don’t you copy America and sell things. USED.

Yes, I know it’s a foreign concept (hence the America part). But my husband and I went into the only two shops in this city we could find that offer used products, what we would call back home pawn shops, and were able to buy a like-new scooter for our girls for 9.50€, when we saw the exact same one at the Chinese store for 28€! Why would anyone in their right mind pay 28€ when they can pay 9.50€?

But that isn’t the point. The point is, that pawn shop was PACKED. Every time we’ve walked by, when it’s closed, people are waiting outside for it to open. And everyone in Spain was there this morning trying to find something used. Or sell something to make a little extra money.

These people have a plan, but it isn’t complete. I know you’re obsessed with your clothing here (don’t tell me different–I’ve seen the coordinated, designer-clad two-year-olds walking about), but it’s time to market that desire. Have you ever heard of a consignment shop? A used furniture store? Play-it-Again Sports? You people are missing out on a market that could turn this country around!! Everyone benefits! People sell, people buy, the business takes a cut, we all get a good deal and have more money to pour into your small cafes, panaderias, and the like.

Forget your government corruption, your doomed banks. Find some savvy investors and open just one shop. Start with baby and children’s items. It’s a win-win. Everyone here loves families, and everyone here wants a bargain. I guarantee that within a few months you’ll turn a beautiful profit, enough to open an adjacent shop selling clothing… you get the idea. Screw your instability. As we always say in teaching, no sense in reinventing the wheel. It wouldn’t be the first time you copied an idea from America, nor the last…

Hey, I’m no business major, but a girl’s gotta survive. A country’s gotta survive. What do you think, España??

Carthagineses y Romanos

We walked the four miles it takes to make it down to the harbor and back. So easy of a commute for adult legs, so arduous with three girls in tow. No one who ever wrote an expatriate web site, who ever published an expatriate book, who offers advice for traveling across Europe, who romanticizes the reality of everyday life, gave up a steady job, a home with a yard, and a debt-free life for one year in Spain with an English-only husband and three daughters in tow.

Let me write the blog post for you. The book for you. It will begin with staying up late and sleeping in, like all Spaniards do. We might throw in a siesta strewn with screaming girls who are today fighting over the fort they are wholly incapable of completing without our assistance, who beg to go on a bike ride, to go to the park where the three small boys in matching outfits will chase them and call them “ingleses“.

We will have a Spanish tortilla for dinner, made in our newly-purchased 10€ sarten, and eat at the usual hour of Americans after our four-mile journey to the center of town where we thought we were witnessing a children’s festival and came across, instead, a Lion King-esque display of Roman dressed tribes holding up babes in togas, presentations to the emperor and empress, the formal announcement of each family like a baptism of a new generation that we can’t quite understand or be a part of.

There were no bouncy castles. No face painting. Just women presenting gift baskets of fruit, throwing candy that my nine-year-old snatched up and filled her pockets with, asking me later how to say candy in Spanish so she could offer it to the four-year-old boy on the playground. We are reminded, again, that we don’t have a car, that we can’t pile in and own our weekend, but must give in to what this city has to offer us, whether it be a strange historical reenactment, a walk that six small legs no longer endear to endure, or an evening where we settle in, once again, to the solitude of this life we have chosen, no friends, no family outside the small circle we create for ourselves in the midst of a language none of us wholly understand.

This is my Spanish Sunday. It ends with me listening to a book so descriptive of a white Christmas that I ache for this endless summer to be over, the hot drought of Colorado bleeding through to palm trees and no breeze on a late September Spain, the beach like a taunting ghost, hovering before us but not quite within our reach as we stand before the replica of the first ship to circumnavigate the world, our feet foreign, our faces, hands, mouths foreign, in a place we have chosen to make our home.

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Our Latest Spain Adventure

With handlebars barely within her reach, a bike seat that doesn’t allow her feet to touch the ground like she’s used to, and hand brakes only (also new), it is a bumpy one-mile ride to the beginning of our latest Spain adventure. Isabella, nine, is anxious to be a part of something here, both with me and the people of this city. She lives to belong.

This is the cheap bicycle we bought for Bruce at Carrefour, the one with crooked handlebars and a pedal that already fell off and is now on somewhat crookedly as well, its bearings stripped after a single repair. We move along side streets until we reach the bike lane, having to stop only a few times for hazard-lit cars whose drivers are greeting friends, delivering fruit, or just not in a hurry.

No one here is ever in a hurry. After a fall and a few precarious turns by Isabella, we are ten minutes late to the park. However, as cyclists of all ages continue to stream in, it becomes clear to me, once again, that this is not America. There is no liability form to sign, no registration fee, no separate event for kids and adults. And there is certainly no reason we should begin on time!

After another twenty-five minutes of waiting, we begin, five hundred or more, to stream out of the park. We fill the street with trailers, tagalongs, training wheels, baby bike seats, and a speed slow enough to walk. North to the first roundabout, over to the main Alameda, where we move along the palm trees toward the harbor, our safety enforced by neon-green uniformed policemen who stand at each corner. “It’s like being in a parade, just like the one last night!” Isabella announces, reminiscing the 11:00 p.m. march across town of people dressed in B.C.E. Roman and Carthagenian robes, kilts, skins, helmets, and furs. (Yes, I said 11 PM, where every age from little Roman toga-bearing babies and seventy-year-old crowned queens lit up the streets with their drums and song).

I am a cyclist. I have ridden three thousand miles in eight months, regularly ride my bike twenty-five miles to and from work each day, and have participated in a cycling event that took me over two mountain passes in the depths of the San Juans. But I certainly have never seen anything like this.

Like a slow-motion mob, we “ride” across town, weaving in and out of kids ranging in age from two to seventy (kind of like the parade!). There is no finish line, no lineup of booths promoting muscle milk or the latest carbon bike, no giant banners bragging about sponsorship. There are freestyle cyclists showing off, juegos tadicionales like hopskotch and jump rope, and all the families in Cartagena, gathered here at the city center to cycle their way to a sacred Saturday of family time.

I watch my daughter, who has mastered control of her handlebars, who leads me along what she calls “the Italian street” into and out of narrow “alleys”, who rides in circles with the other kids on the concrete at the center of a park, who asks to ride the long way home. We weave in and out of pedestrians, meander along the bike path past all the now-dispersed cyclists, and make our way back.

She has completed her first cycling event. I have completed my first cycling event in Spain. In our latest Spain adventure, where nothing is the same and everything is the same, we arrive home, unscathed, barely sweating, eight miles behind us, and all the miles ahead of us paved in love, in beauty, in the connectedness of belonging to a culture that cherishes their children far more than riding a bike over two mountain passes.

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