if money could buy
the time i lost regretting,
would i be happy?
my biggest paycheck
untouched in the nursery
unswaddled bonus
its late-night crying
ignites a hole in my soul
but babes are fragile
even when nursing
they can fuss and search for more
easily cracking
my scarred nipple skin
tearing my hope inside out
leaving me empty
safe in its blanket
i will keep my money wrapped
while i nurse my dreams
forgot her pencil
add to the list of hours
now lost from our lives
impossible choice
parent failure never ends
and doubt always wins
what’s a pencil worth?
droopy eyes, stressed homework spells
my child no more
i wanted the best
since data governs our lives
and steals our children
hour detention
for forgetting her pencil
whose data buys time?
sixty-hour weeks
stacked against four months, three kids
bless this long weekend
a simple request
straddles me between two worlds
a scale i once tipped
if grins and roses
were all that i’m meant to be
i’d bury my soul
balance beam choices
split, backwards flip, wheelbarrow,
toe-dip for the win?
or flatten my hands
my feet flying above me
upside down: myself.
this park is our church
(we rode past three on the way)
god is in details
dress-obsessed oldest
on a limb over a lake
this windy fall day
blessed to have new friends
and her two shadow sisters
nothing like my youth
(how i would have loved
my sister to include me–
just to be my friend)
outdoor play keeps them
a ring of companionship
beauty comes in threes
we don’t need sabbath
just the joy of our family
god lives in us all
estoy de goma
rubber burning insides out
what was i thinking?
stress toasted with fun
drinks in hand, trick-or-treating
but i got tricked
my worst hangover
while baby cuddled me warm
pajamas all day
will i ever learn
that joy is in their faces
not in this poison?
cold reality
when we hide behind costumes
and drink to tell truths
data-driven dread
tops off day of smooth lessons
i forgive google
yes, you once plagued me
with your aversion to Word
but can i blame you?
Bill Gates rules the world
you won’t share your piece of it
that i do admire
though Sergei, my love?
have you ever herded cats?
aka, taught school?
next time, please warn me
throw Microsoft to the wind
but take me with you
Miss, why should i read?
Movies are so much better.
You see everything.
But what you can’t see
is the imagination
that invents the world.
Without reading books
who’d have written your movies,
given light to life?
fast-paced agreement
from Arabic-spewing mom–
he sighs, won’t give in
not five minutes pass
toothless, frumpy, loving mom
begs me to help her
why does her girl fail?
is it because of the shots
she saw as a child?
or her tent life,
her journey across the sea?
but what can we do
but cry out to God
and ask him to help us live?
then i remember
yes–a book i read
Wait–were you in Kakuma?
Yes–for nineteen years
tears swallow my throat
harrowing Lost Boy story
chronic refugee
sitting before me
(brutal book’s truth seeping in)
hope swallows her whole
i wish i could share
the beauty behind pages
that connect us all
if i could show him
the open-eyed life of words
oh, how he could fly!
ironic night ends
with her heart-wrenching handshake
pages of my book
to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?
let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:
back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering
second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents
baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard
oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff
garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell
let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday
Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)
to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood
quick change in season
cold rain to soak this Monday
and finally bring fall
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