Words

i sent the words
(there were clicks–
not yours)
i spent the time
(there were chips–
dark chocolate)

you didn’t respond
you couldn’t read
the words too thick
the chips already melted

you left them there for me
and i placed new words
under the light
words they shared in your absence

it was strange
having you walk in like that
not quite sure
if you should use your own words
or listen to ours

you waited
i wrote
(i always do)
you flipped off the light
that let them see
what i had written

in your usual manner
you ad-libbed
they laughed their usual laughs
but i managed to
feel less small
knowing they shared words with me

you stood in the back
video on
asking me a favor
(the chocolate
sitting in a back room
unrequested)

i took your center cut
put it in the microwave
and melted it for a perfect sundae

you won’t say a word
you will never know
just how warm
how perfectly cold
it tasted as i took my words
and swallowed them

The Cost of These Brownies

handwritten prices
on the grocery list
categorizing ingredients,
a spouse’s scrupulous pen
(cocoa: $2.76
chocolate chips: $2.38
it goes on)

several summer nightmares,
a bitter blog post,
and the hollowness
that can only come
with the absence of words

their bright faces
and innocent remarks,
the commentary carried
down the corridor,
begging for more

the bland baked cakes
from someone’s mix
hand in hand with
Friday’s sacred sweet desire

all the times
that can’t be added up
with calculators
of when they made a day,
saved a life,
or satisfied a fix

the small hands
that crack the eggs,
the small voice
that recites the recipe,
reminding me
once again
that from first bite
to last,
i am giving a taste
of chocolate
with an immeasurable price.

August (2011) Daughters

Riona

Five. FIVE. five…
you wear the pink taffeta dress
(pattern handed down
for fifty years)
a gathered waste,
scalloped pockets and sleeves,
plastic pearls to complete the couture.

you jump in and out of fountains,
climb plastic playground steps,
pretend with perfect attitude
(that encompasses all you are)
to blow the absent candles from your cake

we move from playing with new gifts
on hardwood (you offer me a pillow)
to party number two, where
you surround yourself with
breaking-down children and ask
only that i roast you a marshmallow
in the lightning-flash sky
and circle of warmth

you are five.
you dash to the car in the
pitch-black, too-far-from-city night,
your row of new lip balms in palm,
and before you will sleep,
you divide them evenly amongst sisters,
your generous heart more beautiful
than your perfect pink taffeta dress.

Mythili

it’s been a year, and
baby teeth are gone,
replaced by no-finger-sucking
straight white incisors
that have sent Blankey
to a closeted grave
with their grown-up appearance.

you have school friends now
who you won’t let go.
you know the way down the corridors,
will soon show baby sister,
and, as always,
you speak quite frankly
about the condition of your classroom,
the behavior of other students,
and your ability to stay on task.

how could these two adult teeth
bring deeper wisdom
to the little girl
who, from birth,
could already see the world
in a light
the rest of us can’t see?

Isabella

i find pictures of you
at five, six,
(pudgy cheeks and tiny teeth)
and look into your pale hazels,
your over-freckled cheeks,
hold you against me,
your head now at my shoulder,
and i know
i know
(though i’m afraid to write it now)
you are no longer a little girl.

you are my oldest,
will always be first,
will always move from one stage
to another before them,
will be the one to induce the most fear,
the most intense kind of love,
a kind i cannot describe here
(or to them)
one that is shared from those
moments in our babymoon
to those moments now when
you understand what they don’t,
when you give me the look
a reflection of my expression,
you, a shadow of me
who stands at my shoulder,
ready to grow.

Tabula Rasa

before this great institution
you have a tabula rasa
you could start fresh,
show the world innovation,
speak the language of the plants.

but in your usual
conglomeration of unspoken words,
you have filled your slate
with water-sucking weeds
stealing the words from native beauty.

A Sunday Afternoon

girls pose like little models,
even the baby smiles
underneath the bright flashes
(she’s not a baby anymore–
why must i be reminded
that five years
have slipped into oblivion?)

the clouds move in
on a Sunday afternoon,
a semi-quiet house
where they pretend to pick up
while we lie on the couch
reminiscing the twin bed
we shared so many years ago.

(with money clenched
like fists in pockets,
we borrowed furniture,
walked across ant-biting carpet,
washed dishes by hand,
roasted like oily chicken
in the absence of central air)

is it so different now,
our money spilling out
into the screens of tomorrow,
the cool air tickling our skin
as their tweeting songs
remind us of all we have seen,
all we have yet to see?

Cast Away

my moon was awake
full and bright
casting my stress
with hands of night

the breeze came out
shunning the heat
on the swing i sat
dangling my feet

my thoughts swirled round
a storm in my head
while my pup rested gently
under covers in bed

if only the screen
could wash away fears
make the work worthwhile
and cast away tears

Closed Eyes

with closed eyes we see the world
blanketed by senseless screens
absent of real words
imagery we can’t understand

with closed eyes the world sees us
hidden behind doors
lost from human contact
connections we can’t define

with closed eyes we see the world
painted with desire
immersed in ourselves
love we cannot celebrate

Huntsman

like a hunter in hiding,
you pounce perfectly
as I try to escape

you think you’ve caught me,
but your trap doesn’t dig–
my ankle is free for running

I offer you a portion,
a tiny morsel to munch,
but you are not a master huntsman.

you will only see me
as the prey you trapped too late,
the remainder of the meal left on the table.

Definition

it could be the Spanish-English mix
from the nanny’s mouth as we sat in the zoo,
my thoughts of the last day of summer
slipping from my hands
quicker than the tears
my baby cried to sleep with,
or the anger inside
that someone would pay another
for everything i love the most.

it could be the defriending,
his cold absence of words in my presence,
or her emphatic insistence
that eight months is enough
time with her baby
when a thousand years
would not satiate me.

it could be the story i love
coming to a bittersweet end,
or the small voices
absent from my home
on the one day when
i need them most.

but i will never be quite able
to define what haunts me.

Mixer

i cannot replicate the complex crest
nor mimic la bandera de España.
i cannot be the arms of your mother
or speak coherently her tongue.

i can only pour in the ingredients,
spin the mixer of all we desire,
and place before you in red and yellow
everything your presence means to me.

i cannot say in words what the cake will tell
in so many sweet remembrances,
so many little tastes that sparkle
like the teardrops in the corners of her eyes.