Christmas Morning

it is what it is
whether you accept it or believe it
(me, neither)
a consumer’s holiday
propped up
with bells and music
church visits
and nativity scenes.
we lie to them
from birth.

somehow,
with enough eggnog amaretto
and song after song
gift after gift
we buy into
this charade,
inundating another generation
of false generosity.

Thanksgiving’s over.
Let’s shed ourselves
of the one truly American holiday
and head to the mall
where we can be
the sickening
self-absorbed
Americans we have all come
to love, come
Christmas morning.

Thanksgiving

i am better at this
just as you taught me
hand over hand
hand over arm
hand on hand
hand on arm

and now you?
calm as a summer breeze
in the midst of frigid temps
cradling them
in the layers of love
that were missing
from my childhood.

instead i’ll stand here
mashing my angst into potatoes
dicing up boiled eggs
slicing perfect candied yams
doing everything you taught me
and more.

the table is set.
the kitchen is spotless.
my children are loved.
and i should be so thankful
that i know how to do
all that i know how to do.

Steam

my pies are filled with
fresh cranberries
Colorado apples
King Arthur flour
pastry cream
fresh chilled butter
sinful sugar
decadent chocolate
and perfect recipes.

i wish i could fill these pies with the
muscles i took to pound them
time it took to bake them
dishes piled up in the sink
farmers’ market filled with apples
bog where they harvested cranberries

with the
ache that fits in between the
layers of fruit and cream
the ache that won’t escape
from the lattice-topped steam.

Muse

just as we found our muse
young as youth with words would allow
you have crept back into my life
and reminded me of passion.

it may dissipate like water
evaporating onto the lid of a pan
but the lid, the lid is solid
and will gather up the drops

release them back to where they belong
back to you, to me, to the youth
we all have within us, the words
escaping from our passionate mouths

like butterflies emerging from the chrysalis
reborn into the enthralling joy
that we once knew, that we will always have
with words, with words, with our muse.

Au Revoir

you may as well be a ghost
because you’ve haunted me more than most.
why do i have to see you here
when i’m surrounded by holiday cheer?

you’re embarrassed, though you won’t admit it
it is not my sin that you committed.
if you disliked the person you came to know
then why did you put on such a show?

i don’t edit, though it’s caused me pain
at least i’m real; you’re filled with shame.
perhaps those who love me are few and far
but at least i know how to say au revoir.

The Theatre

We stand in tights, leggings, skirts,
a tie and jacket, dolled up as much as
our fellow theatre-goers
waiting for the train.

Our breaths form miniature clouds
as they enter the humid night air.
We shuffle our feet, clap our hands,
pull up our hoods, rejoice at the lights
of the train curving around the tracks.

Everyone says, How old are they?
Going to the theatre? Shrek tonight?
Beautiful girls, beautiful, beautiful girls.

As we stand clutching the pole, no room.

It couldn’t be better. The pictures we took
(soon to be Christmas cards), the lipstick
now smearing across their cheeks,
the laugh-your-ass-off musical of our dreams.

Four, six, almost eight, I tell them.
They say it only gets better. But how can it
be better than this? Dinner at a local restaurant,
riding the train downtown, the theatre,
three little, little girls as proud as new parents?

We’ll see. For now, I take their tiny hands in mine,
dash through the tunnel with lights that
ring at their anxious pats, their pink jackets
and polka-dot tights reminding me of the youth
we all have within us, the youth, the love we crave.

Tag

i sent them out
in a red-lettered envelope
they cam back to me
with a black-lettered tag.

right on my cheek
the message sits
a tattoo destroying
the words i wanted back.

i scrub at the skin
wishing to wash them away
but the words are as permanent
as the tear stains i can’t replace.

Is This My Year?

is this my year of
baggage dug up from
depths beneath the earth
where i thought i’d buried
every last tag of remorse?

is this my year of
bricks stacked up along
a wall that keeps me
from where i am
and what i ache
for on the other side?

is this my year of
rain poured over my soul,
quenching the ardor
beneath my skin,
drowning my senses
until i can no longer breathe?

is this my year,
my year that i have to
let them go
let them go
let it, let it go?

Cheeks

just as my students pull
like a dead weight
at the back of my brain
she looks up
her four-year-old cheeks
as smooth as innocence
and whispers,
“Mama, I wish
you didn’t have to work.”

i can’t hold them back
but she studies my family tree necklace
as the salt drips down
my thirty-two-year-old cheeks
as rough as pain
and whispers,
“I love you so much, Mama.”

and it is about all i can do
it is about all i can do
it is about all i can do
holding her
without words
her cheek against my cheek
is about all i can do.

Past, Future

our lives
our American lives
exist in movies, books
filled with flashbacks
memorabilia
from our characters’ pasts.

our lives
our American lives
exist in the here, now
filled with wanton disregard
consumption
of our planet’s future.

their lives
their American lives
exist in computers, smart phones
filled with violent imagery,
absorption
of themselves, their future.

my life
my American life
exists in words, hope
filled with cautionary love,
faith
in them, us, our future.