beliefs

Thinking

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i may not see it through their eyes
or feel it through their legs
but the mountain lures me
and i can already sense the wind at my back
hear the spinning rubber on pavement
the thin air tightening in my lungs
and the sweet smell of pine calling me home.

it may seem crazy (and it always is with me)
but i will chase that train
climb that mountain
win that race
if only for my legs
my eyes
my heart.

with a pedal of determination
i will be just like the little blue engine
of my youth,
thinking my way to the top
thinking
thinking
thinking
all. the. way. down
to where everything tastes
better on the other side of the mountain.

Leash

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i didn’t have time to write this then
so i’ll put these words on paper now
to let you know just how much
your freakish actions stir me up
to remind you that
one in 750,000
is not at all going to happen
in your lifetime or mine
so shut the fuck up
let loose your leash
and let me go to sleep.

Techno Dreams

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you think you can (______)
with your fancy keys
and techno dreams
but you can’t

you may be the way
but you’ll never be
the face i need
to get me through the day

you think you can (_______)
with your high speed
and techno dreams
but you can’t

you may be the way
of the future, but you’ll
never be the love i need
to get me through the day.

Degrees

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it may seem simple and small
it is and it is not
what it lacks
what you cannot see
is a degree of superficiality

(tucked into corners, it pops out)
but the shining star of this show
goes into the rehearsal time.

hours of baking, dyeing, decorating,
hours of designing, painting, waterproofing,
hours of stitching, sewing, piecing
(hours of labor that brought her into the world)
hours of labor to bring her these gifts.

what you will not see
(that elsewhere you are blinded by)
is the degree of superficiality
that makes her party
(her day, her celebration,
her place on this earth)
so simple, so small, so perfect.

Shadow

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i sit in their shadow
despite trying to move into the sun
first with my young marriage
then with my tight wallet,
my need to clean,
to be educated,
to let them be what they will be.

i look across at him
hand on top of his.
we nod in inebriated agreement
(they’ll be OK, they are free)
even if we can’t see them
scamper like rabbits
in and out of bushes
living their childhood dreams
while we enjoy our
own brief moment of peace.

we stand to leave
calling their names
like an old song
we’ve sung a thousand times,
and here
without a playground,
a few measly dollars spent,
no other kids in sight,
they moan, beg to stay.

he and i,
we stand in my parents’ shadow
with our young marriage,
our tight wallet,
our need for them to be
who they are going to be
so that we may be
who we are going to be:
us.

My Actual Day

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if you could see my day
for an actual day
(never just ten minutes)

ribbons of confusion
would dance across your eyes
(your feet might dance too)

you would see how it moves
from smooth and easy
(perfection at its best)

to a conglomerate of
chaotic preteen desire
mixed with teacherly sarcasm

you would see them
for who they really are
(see me for who I really am)

and you would know
you would actually know
when what I say is right.

but

i will accept your
harried commentary
(we are all harried)

if you can accept
a compliment that
everyone knows

everyone, everyone knows
(the one thing they hate to know)
is the truth.

they are amazing
amazing amazing
and some day

(if you could see my day,
my actual day)
you, too, will know this.

Journal

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she begged me to read
the private words
(what would she discover?
what did she want to know?)

i had to remind her
of her age, her attitude,
her focus on the future
(even if it’s just tomorrow)

she’ll forget by then.
and the words? they’ll
still be there, waiting for
the day when someone
other than me is
ready to pry open the book
and discover the
window to my soul.

Within (without)

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i knew what i had
held within my hands
(held right before my eyes)
in perfect amazement
how perfectly you
mesmerized them (me)

now i stand to the side
awkward and disappointed
holding back tears
as i ache for what we had together
(what your light shined
upon me, upon them)

she will never know this.
only you and i could
possibly understand
the perfect harmony
held within our hands
that they (we) will
have to live without.

D & F Tower

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As stated matter-of-factly
hundreds of times, this tower
(brick-not-steel, pointed
and dominant) was the tallest
building in Denver when

at age twenty-one, like the
pioneers two generations back
(two generations back from me)
my great-aunt Frances walked
through downtown (1937)

We enter it for the first time in
my life tonight, year twelve of
our young marriage. “Finally,”
you say, “something you haven’t
already done,” opening the door for me.

Did she see it? Painted crown molding
on the ceilings, intricately laid
white marble (smooth and cool
against the skin on a summer night),
architecture from a bygone era.

Would she care about the cabaret
burlesque show that emanates from
the basement stairwell? Or did she know,
with her domineering, independent shoes
that carried her here from Kansas,

that, just like the steel-concrete-glass
skyscrapers that have tried to trump this,
it still stands in a changing world,
here we stand in a changing world,
its strength (our strength) unwilling to give up
its place in the heart of the city (of love).

My Mountain

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For Olivia

walking together
hands apart
we could climb
slope after slope

it could be pretty
with shrubs
and wildflowers
and young scrub oaks

it might sprinkle,
sparkling your eyes
just a tad with
twisted rays of light

you could lead the way
and i could follow
(something new for me)
and give in to your desires.

but

it wouldn’t build
our hamstrings
with the ever-harder
mountain climbs

it wouldn’t bring
us (no matter how many slopes)
to the glorious
tops of fourteeners

it would never be the same
as tall pines giving way
to snow-covered peaks,
to insurmountable beauty

it would be you and i
new and rounded
(soft and wary)
not as hard-won as the years
(the poking-into-sky
sharp-at-our-cores
daring-to-be-ourselves
mountain peaks)
i have given to her,
my mountain,
my home,
my love.