A Gift, a Heartbreak

a gift, to turn eight
the loving card, matching clothes
doll’s, girl’s paradise

with double pancakes
and grandmother surprises
she lights up the world

adventure downtown
homemade pizza by Daddy
she spoils us all

heartbreak, to turn eight
that many years past my last
my baby, always

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Laundry of Life

the morning breakdown:
poles, bags, pans, miracle trunk
pack our memories

quick stop for short hike
pass waterfall, aim higher
switchback to our view

it is a fine sight:
family of five, swollen legs
lake steals horizon

five showers, three loads
phone calls, dishes, and errands
aprés camp bed? YES!!

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Neither Fight nor Screen

an imagined home
from stuffies, rocks, wildflowers
neither fight nor screen

Colorado lake
full of fish, too cold to swim
sunbather’s beauty

marshmallow dessert
to toast twilight adventures
camping tastes so sweet

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Life’s a Rented Dream

silver blades cut grass
mad dash for registration
test Ukrainian

new face with bright smile
knows his English isn’t great
how will he survive?

miracle trunk packed
in temporary dream car
life’s a rented dream

reservation lost
we take his lucky number
campsite without view

girls venture for joy
find una buena vista
wood-filled arms return

though we lack lake view
the mountaintop appeases 
so rocky, this life

that makes our Friday
mow, pack, register, test, camp
obligations, loves

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Prepubescent Exploration

innocent zoo trip
obscene scene not to be seen
look, he has two trunks!

saved by water show
he forgets his bold catwalk
trainer blames teen angst

stories of summer
popcorn, snow cones, puberty?
the birds and the bees

better lesson now:
friends by day’s end, sharing slurps
two trunks forgotten

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Joy Among Us

a flat starts the day
with a little pump, i ride
hills, mountains: progress

web site down, ends work
why not take the dry cleaning?
dead car battery

bored girls seek street friends
they’re at camp, then tutoring
where is their summer?

then, a text invite:
pool party, later denied
(for members only)

embarrassed, we leave
without the key to rich friends
our small house fills up

this after cold talk
screaming drive, snatching pillow
the girls unaware

of how i haiku
remnants of a hollow day
door shut, him sleeping

but before closed doors?
they street-danced on rollerblades
still making the best

i close itchy eyes
view the world through young faces
all i see is joy

The End

sunny day at end
after a stormy summer
last pool before school

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Covered

because i have lost it
the reader within me
the writer within me
kept silent by society
as i walk carrying
dripping wet shitty diaper
across creaky floors
and dog barks waking baby
and 7-year-old tears up
because i threw away the tooth chip
that she spit out of her mouth
after she fell off broken branch
and my oldest begs to watch
while the dishes fill the sink
and the cousin dazes under allergy meds
and the person i used to be?

she is the road through the forest
captured on a Tennessee run
while we run from Tennessee
while i run from Tennessee
tree-covered tunnel
going nowhere

because i have lost it somewhere
along that empty road
covered, covered, covered in leaves
how they block the woman i could be
the mother i could be
the view into a new tomorrow
that’s just around the corner
that i can’t quite see

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Cancellations

Mythili is eight. She’s named after an amazing woman who speaks three languages with the fluency of a native speaker, two of which my Mythili will never know.

I came home a bit early tonight. My oldest, Isabella, named after my sister, walked the eight blocks necessary to meet me after tutoring so we could find her some semi-leather boots that match mine. Isabella is almost ten. She can just about fit into half of my clothes and has a much keener sense of fashion than me. I don’t know how I’d shop without her.

I was home early tonight because my life revolves around cancellations. Cancel the job I’ve loved and lived for for seven years. Cancel the program for which I sacrificed everything. Cancel my private English tutoring sessions on a weekly basis, because for you it is a bonus, a brief education. For me? Just another cancellation of my semi-automatic life.

Time is money. I say this now because cancellations can be golden.

These are the words I heard tonight, as Mythili voluntarily read books to her baby sister:

“Mama, did you realize the Statue of Liberty was built in 1826?” (Isabella)

(Mythili from other room): “1886, I read 1886!”

(Me, in same moment, recalling the specific childhood memory: 1986. Age eight. Trip planned to New York City for grand celebration of one hundredth anniversary [July 4, 1986] of said statue. Mother and father holding my hands in their hands to break to me: “We’re going to have to cancel this trip. Your surgery is scheduled for that week.”)

“Isabella, it was 1886.”

Riona, the Irish queen, as diplomatic as her regal name: “Mythili, where are those boats going?”

“They’re trying to get the best view of the statue. Remember this summer, at Jimmy’s house, we were on the mainland? But then we took the boat from one island to another to get the best view? Remember, Riona? They built the statue on an island.” (She refers to our summer trip, my cousin Jimmy’s house in New Jersey, the pain of my most recent Spanish cancellation so painfully present that the Staten Island free ferry was the only possible way to see Lady Liberty).

This is why we are here. In five years, they will read about the Romans. They will say, “Remember when we went to the Roman theatre in Cartagena?”

They will study Druids. “Remember when we visited Stonehenge?”

They will chew paella. “Remember the gambas?

They will be these small children, grown so grand, their life filled with cancellations. They will remember their parents’ hands on theirs, age eight. How they loved and hated Spain. How they cried, laughed, lived.

They will remember.

January (2013) Daughters

Isabella

nose buried in Kindle,
a version different than our own,
the words like gold
still the same
as you excitedly spill
Harry’s latest endeavors

you climb like a monkey
over nets, up walls, on mountaintops
and keep small secrets
for fear of losing out

just shy of ten,
you stand past my shoulder now–
i’m afraid of double digits
as you’re buried in books
and beginning to abandon dolls

i suppose
we all must grow–
you in your wild, monkey-like way,
me, in my motherly view of your milestones

Mythili

the center of imaginary play,
instrumental in all
Monster High shenanigans,
the perfect voice-over
of coming of age

the center of language,
you pick up British accents
and repeat back
in perfect translation
all the Castellano words

the center of three girls,
just past eight,
your eyes light up our photos,
connect either sister like glue–
so much more than a middle child

Riona

with your ever-small defiance,
you fight for seats next to me,
won’t give in to open-minded eating,
and still suck your thumb

five months beyond
your six-year mark,
you patiently wait
for your closest friends
(sisters of course)
to guide you through the
maze of Spain

all these years later,
calm as can be,
your ever-small defiance
peaks in surprises,
the small gifts of perfect grades,
an ever-pleasant smile,
and our best example of
unequivocal love