spinning black tires
rounding horse farm loop
car wheels slow to watch
begin and end begin again
second daughter around
bullfrog discoveries
on the path that never ends
toddler sliding grinning
again and again and again
stroller tires bumping along
rounded out by a golden circle
settling itself on
spherical shoulders of trees.
childhood
Quilt
with chunks of chicken
sticker books and melting chocolate
crinkly bags of beef jerky
mini pencils strewn like petals
crumbs in every crack
we make our way along the border
its golden sphere beckons us to stop.
we can’t go inside but see the perfect playground,
the grass soft as our new carpet,
the two-story fountain filled with children
who hear it erupt and rush
like carnivorous hawks toward fresh prey,
and i forget
(for all of ten minutes)
that i am not one of them,
but the parent
now soaked from head to toe,
dress sticking to my legs
as my three little girls
weave me in and out of spurts
in our quilt of childhood joy,
sewing up the perfect end
to a dogged day’s drive.
Bullfrogs
they have never seen
or collected one by one
bullfrogs hopping into the water
quicker than a wind shift
we pace like predators
around the pond
tiny whispered voices containing
excitement over bulging eyes
there are no mountains here
only hills so dense with trees
you’d never see the rocky bottoms
when we’re so used to rocky tops
instead horses swing reluctant tails
in air as thick and slow as syrup
and we watch a turtle slither on a log
and frog after frog hop into our hearts.
May Daughters (2011)
Riona
pieces of gold in a tiny bag
you hold it up in the dusty town
mountainous peaks bearing down
you blink at her and sniff
still after all these months
unwilling to speak a word
you cut felt in imperfect squares
around the pirates’ gold coins
so proud to pretend to be a Girl Scout
you are silently sick
never a whine or complaint
just your gentle soul of acceptance.
Mythili
you clip up your heavy bangs
emulating your sister’s idea
of new beginnings
every day you’d wear the
hand-me-down dress, so proud
that someone thought of you.
your old soul comes out
as we drive eight hours home:
“I need some air.”
you stand in the middle
pushing the new tire swing both ways
knowing you’ll bring them together.
Isabella
surrounded by friends
you are the happiest child
social butterfly fluttering by
you reorganize the backseat
toy bin, anal retentive mimicker
of mama’s nit-picky ways
you read reluctantly
in your sing-song voice
Charlotte spinning her magic web
sick sister in the night
you’ve grown up over night, miss,
“I took care of it.”
Our Day
in 3.5 days
i have climbed two mountains
driven seventeen hours
hiked 1.5 miles
in and out of a canyon
vacuumed the house
bathed and combed three girls
hosted eleven more
drunk seven microbrews
noted the Firefox spelling inadequacies
and noticed that
my friends are all friends
with each other
our kids play like
Fairy Tale Land
perfect combinations of love
and
my veteran husband
can cook hamburgers
like there’s no other option
but meat
on Memorial Day
Love Day
Family Day
Friends Day
Coming Down the Mountain Day
this is Our Day
the love i never had
the friends i never had
the love
the love
the love
all around us.
The School of Selfish Parenting
it’s another event
at the school of selfish parenting
teachers with microphones
can’t control
the stream of camera-ready vultures
clogging up the aisles
standing in front of the spotlight
chatting away in ignorance
as our tiny children
march across the stage
in caps and gowns
sing their off-key serenading songs
that we will neither see nor hear
thanks to our entitled generation.
One of Seventy Thousand
Dear U2,
I am one of seventy thousand. And seventy thousand more in each of a hundred cities across the globe. Your circular stage, famous by now, lights up like a firecracker as you belt out the tunes. No one has given a second thought to sitting since you entered. We are drawn up like marionettes, arms in the air, tears in our eyes, screams caught like chilling drinks of overpriced beer in our throats. You ask us to clap along and we all have the same hands. You ask up to hold up our phones and the blackened stadium reflects your every desire, the rectangular present-day lighters swaying back and forth in a melody of communion. And the wind that forced us all to pull our hoods and caps tighter, that haunted us on our long trek here, that beat back the sounds of The Fray? You took away every last wisp of a cloud and made it disappear the moment you stepped out of the tunnel, like Moses parting the Red Sea. What is your message for us, your devoted followers, harrowed from years of longing absence, as you guide us here tonight?
I am one of seventy thousand. We are a family, and your voices our parents’ so-many-times-heard songs that we have every word memorized. You don’t need to tell us the titles, we can sing them with our eyes closed. You don’t even need the 360 screen that changes from your faces to images of Burmese imprisonment to listings of events happening right now in the world. We would still stand, clap, scream, our love as intense and committed as the thirty-four years of charity you have offered the world.
I am one of seventy thousand. I stand next to my husband who surprised me with these impossible tickets. I jump up and down every time you make your rounds, my voice tight and hoarse within an hour. When you play “Elevation” and “Beautiful Day” I grin from ear to ear, those happy days later in your bandlife, those happy days later in my life when I first heard them. When you play “One” we all sing, but I sing with tears streaming down my face, reliving my freshman year of college and circling my dorm room with that song on repeat till the floor, my feet, and my tears were worn down to desert-like hollows of pain. And “When the Streets Have No Name,” “With or Without You”? You carry me back to high school, lying on the floor of the living room, one ear to the hardwood, the rhythmic soul-searching beat and the words that tear away the pieces of my broken heart, the words that take them and fling them up into the air, sew them back together, and time after time after time, Joshua Tree one two and three, the words that save me from myself, from what I might have done. My husband? All he sees are the tears, the emotion, the me he never knew.
I am one of seventy thousand. But you are singing just for me. For the soul you saved with your music, for the movement it made in my heart, for the person I am today, with or without you.
Sunshine
With a toddler and baby in tow,
we walked our oldest to her first day,
the door open to your preschool room
lit up with sunshine shelves of toys.
You introduced yourselves to us
as Dee Dee and Helene, to the kids
as Ms. Teddy Bear and Ms. Jelly Bean,
quick-to-be-famous names in our ears.
For years our girls brought home
button families, clothesline crafts,
Dr. Dino, and homemade, hand-guided
projects to decorate our hearts.
Time has ticked away the tininess
of the baby you give back to us now,
her Silly Award another reminder
of all that has come to an end.
You will have an endless stream
of four-year-olds to keep the youth
and sunshine smiles on your faces,
but us? It will be just this: a memory.
A memory of their first school experience
that, as parents, perhaps we’ll recall
better than them, your warmth and love
the sunshine that will guide them through the next door.
At Fourteen
For Jim(my)
i picture you at fourteen
gangly and awkward
bottlebottomed glasses
curly close-cut locks
riding your bike across the bridge
wearing the same three outfits
all summer long
diving into the swimming pool
down the block
and playing right along
with our nine-
and eleven-year-old games
i was in love.
it didn’t matter that you were my cousin
almost six years older
and lived across the country.
you were nice to me
made me feel at home
in that strange and cavernous house
where Grandpa and Grandma
ordered KFC
and watched TV all day
instead of fixing decent food
or paying attention to us.
you rode across the
highway bicycle bridge
and entertained us every day
and carried me on the back
of your dirt bike
on our camping trip
and talked and talked and talked
like no one else in the family would.
i still remember those words
those cyclical wheels
that sent my mind spinning
and the smile you carried
through all that was dark,
the fourteen-year-old boy
who redefined family
in my little girl eyes.
Human Trees
trees are like humans
she says
they take forever to grow
they start small
when they’re grownups
they don’t grow anymore
they stay in one place
i want to tell her
they’re trapped by roots
taunted by wind
pelted with precipitation
they never stop growing
you’re right
i say instead
knowing that
how she sees the world
could change by morning
and i should cherish
how she sees it today.