she designed this house.
my baby girl, age thirteen.
(she loves her kitties).


she’s my crafty one.
my sweet entrepreneur.
my bright young woman.

and just like her cat
who gives unlimited love,
she will forgive me.

she designed this house.
my baby girl, age thirteen.
(she loves her kitties).


she’s my crafty one.
my sweet entrepreneur.
my bright young woman.

and just like her cat
who gives unlimited love,
she will forgive me.

So we don’t have a beach in Colorado, not a real one anyway. We do have immigrants from a hundred countries and out-of-state transplants from all fifty states who have come to live here for one main reason: to be outside.
It’s true. Colorado has one of the highest rates in the country for outdoor recreation, and in general, physical activity.
So, after more than two months of being trapped indoors, of ski areas being shut down too soon, of gyms being closed, of mandates that tell us we shouldn’t drive more than ten miles to enjoy the outdoors, this happened: a crowd of just-out-of-school teenagers, more than two hundred of them, ignored all social distancing mandates and managed to get all of the state’s beaches closed indefinitely.
Now, I am a high school teacher, AND I have four teenagers in my house. Are they crazy? Yes. Are they self-absorbed? Yes. Are they reckless? Absolutely.
But must we all, all of us outdoor fanatics, suffer a summer without our “beach” because of a crowd of adolescents?
Because let me tell you who is affected by this new mandate. All the poor people everywhere who crowd into Cherry Creek State Park, conveniently located in the center of the city, on any given weekend because you can fill a car full of people to enjoy the water and sun for a measly $11. You can pack a picnic or a barbecue, relax under a cottonwood, dip your toes in the water, and pretend that the world outside of this sanctuary doesn’t exist. For a few hours, a day, you can have a sense of peace.
I have lived within fifteen minutes of this park for most of my life. On summer weekend days, you have to stake out a spot by 10am if you want the perfect combination of shade and sun. And you will see people from all walks of life enjoying its proximity to the city. Every language you can think of, every tone of skin, every belief system, all enjoying the splashes and sun.
And now we’re in a pandemic. And now we’re supposed to stay home. And now we’re social distancing.
Most of us are.
But guess who still gets to enjoy the water at the fourteen parks with closed swim beaches?
People with boats.
Guess who gets to enjoy the lakes and campgrounds owned by counties in northern Colorado? Lakes like Horsetooth Reservoir with its crystalline turquoise water, surrounded by mountains?
People with hard-sided campers that contain their own private bathrooms.
And guess who those people are?
People with money.
So, in the midst of a pandemic, when the privileged are allowed to storm the streets brandishing military-grade weapons because they want everything open, those same things ARE open. To them.
And to those who can just gather up the $11 entrance fee? They can social distance from home. They don’t need to play golf or take out their speedboat or enjoy a luxurious camper that costs more than they’ll ever make in a year. They can go back to their cramped apartments with no yard space while the rich can back their boats into their third garage and pay their gardeners to perfectly maintain the 10,000-square-foot lot that they COULD be enjoying instead.
And no matter what, don’t you ever forget it, this is the Land of the Free.
Free for everyone with a million bucks, and ever-so-costly for those who can just afford $11.
(I will miss those cottonwoods).
paranoia wins
my midday motherhood run
(let’s hope she’s healthy)

for now, let us plant.
petunias, lupine, sweet blooms
springing for summer



a quiet household
while the babies enjoy sun
(i worked to earn this)

my potatoes pop
in the first hot day of May
(we all love sunshine)

together, apart:
this is how they live with me
sharing, not sharing


I went to the grocery store today, and I don’t want to write about the nightmare I had last night where no one was wearing a mask.
Could you imagine, three months ago, having a nightmare about people not wearing masks in Target?
Actually, King Soopers was well-stocked today. Everyone I saw had a mask on. People at 8:30am obeyed the one-way aisle rules, and best of all? I stayed within my budget.
I made a budget for my post-work husband, starting at the beginning of May. $200 a week. It may sound extraordinarily excessive, but we’ve got six mouths to feed, and these are American prices, after all.
But I bought extras today. This bugleweed. A roll of packaging tape. And sushi because fuck Wednesday cooking.


And, my nightmares should end soon.
Because my post-work husband got a job, a non-union, non-seniority-screws-you job, doing exactly what he’s great at and wants to do forever, in the midst of a pandemic.
And.
And you can call it what you want. White privilege. True. Luck. Absolutely. Divine intervention. Maybe.
Or just… fate. The fate that led him through the Air Force to me, that led the boy to our doorstep, that led three beautiful daughters into our home, that led his previous experience to him becoming the best candidate out of all the others being laid off.

Coronatine, day sixty-one. It’s a beautiful image filled with pets, hope, and love.
And I want to hold on to this non-nightmare feeling for as long as I can.


And.
This cat was born to be a model. Good night.
we’re stepping outside
into this beautiful yard
to celebrate love

it’s a bit risky
and only sixty degrees.
but it’s Mother’s Day.

each girl made a card
and worked to include this boy
in conversations



it’s as good as weeds
ripped from choking my garden
so beauty can breathe



if i could be a cat
curled into this ball on a bed
unaware of what noise could keep me awake
unaware of human suffering,
of parenting four teens too afraid to talk to each other,
too afraid to talk to me,
too afraid to build relationships
(so much like their mother, their father, this fear)
(but he isn’t even ours, how is he so much like us?)
unaware of the world outside of this fluff,
this sumptuous, protective ball of fluff,
maybe i’d be a cat.
but i’m only human
and have brought these girls into the world
and this boy into our home
and the world came corona-crashing soon after
and we only have each other
in this lonely, empty house
in this loud-mouthed, angsty house
in this loving, hating house
we don’t have this bed, this softness, this protection.
we can only find these feelings in words.
small gestures.
trying to speak new languages.
trying to see who or what we don’t notice.
trying to find this level of peace,
this cat-comfort peace,
with each other.
we flew this beach kite
on this day seven years back
(a dream in life, Spain)

my daughter, then ten
still finding joy in small things
(as i still try to)

aspen trees at dawn
a pup always by my side
cats learning to love


the kite is gone now.
(i have ransacked every room)
locked down, we let go.
until they close this
we might be here every day
(Colorado beach)

humans love water
in all its fake and true forms
(dams, no dams, fresh, salt)

our Friday night lights
makes this feel like our old life
as fresh as sunshine

