The Price of Freedom

two free holidays
first one ushers in a storm
mountains disappear

skyline from here
is always magnificent
minus the whining

how influential
a video-head friend is
shuffled in with clouds

moms must compromise
perk warmth into snowy scene
where surprise awaits

no seats near the girls
overheard conversation
prettier than snow

a Vietnam vet
three decades of war photos
now he snaps for peace

how much do you charge
to bring your eye-witness view
to my refugees?

you see, there’s this book…
as all great requests begin
Inside Out and Back…

Again, he returns
to where he lost his manhood
and became a man

I don’t charge a thing:
without our youth, our schooling
the world won’t change

we make lesson plans
till the girls will wait no more
Happy Veterans’ Day

first free holiday
though nothing is ever free
let snow send us peace

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My Oldest

i give her the news
silent tears fall down her cheeks
worse than a tantrum

eleven years old
burden of being oldest
heavy on three girls

she carries their weight
lab rat for parental tests
what should we do next?

we drive the wrong way
arrive before she knows it
i favor her now

it is not too late
to undo this, to change schools

my peace offering

again, silent tears
on her face, trapped in my throat
i can deal with it

but should you have to?
the question that i don’t ask
(but i ask myself)

i’m going to stay
i don’t want to lose my friends

and there is my proof

hours of homework
detention for lost pencils
don’t compare to friends

i drop her off, drive
dawn’s light skids across the lake
as golden leaves fall

a sight so perfect
i want to drive back, tell her
take away her tears

mine are falling now
and i must let her decide
she leads, my oldest

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Time Warp

forgot her pencil
add to the list of hours
now lost from our lives

impossible choice
parent failure never ends
and doubt always wins

what’s a pencil worth?
droopy eyes, stressed homework spells
my child no more

i wanted the best
since data governs our lives
and steals our children

hour detention
for forgetting her pencil
whose data buys time?

This Park is Our Church

this park is our church
(we rode past three on the way)
god is in details

dress-obsessed oldest
on a limb over a lake
this windy fall day

blessed to have new friends
and her two shadow sisters
nothing like my youth

(how i would have loved
my sister to include me–
just to be my friend)

outdoor play keeps them
a ring of companionship
beauty comes in threes

we don’t need sabbath
just the joy of our family
god lives in us all

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Revelation

estoy de goma
rubber burning insides out
what was i thinking?

stress toasted with fun
drinks in hand, trick-or-treating
but i got tricked

my worst hangover
while baby cuddled me warm
pajamas all day

will i ever learn
that joy is in their faces
not in this poison?

cold reality
when we hide behind costumes
and drink to tell truths

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It Never Gets Easier

to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?

let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:

back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering

second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents

baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard

oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff

garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell

let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday

Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)

to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood

Trucks and Dolls

baby’s first camp nights
like a babe, slept the whole drive
to nest in my arms

Come summer, you’ll go?
Of course, Mama, I can’t wait!

so soon she’ll be gone

but now? trucks and dolls
bedtime cuddles she demands
innocence still ours

can i trap her face
her infectious giggling?
always my baby

El Día de Mi Muerto

an hour of work
but i am no hairdresser
falls loose too quickly

parents up above
glass ceiling meant for spying
friends hear her grievance

she flashes the look
exasperated with me
behind glass, i wave

when this is over
will i have the nice photo
or preteen ‘tude chant?

on the way to camp
my little ones’ voices sang
loving farewell chant

why can’t she stay young
choose camp over awkward dance
to throw her mom looks?

why can’t we stay young
choose love over wanton youth
and just be ourselves?

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Soul Searching

not a single soul
in this forty-person room
has guts to speak truth

sadly, nor do i
phone in hand, blog post ready
[i can’t lose her now]

you see, i’ve lost her
and the darkness in my heart?
no match on this Earth

so i won’t speak truth
i’ll sugar-coat it, smile, nod:
age brings clarity

in that clarity
drink-free, sunny fall Sunday
i die to tell all

in her card, later
she’ll see every word and cry
for all that’s lost, gained

she couldn’t find words
only pics, video, songs
everything for him

i still feel empty
she texts me later, heart burned
you’re the only one…

even her husband
didn’t know who her dad was
[i’ve known her longer]

after the speeches
seeing her, baby in arms?
the love. of my life.

she is my best friend
her loss is my loss, our loss
never hers alone

bubbles in the sky
blown from his loving, warm lips
i live her longing

not a single soul
who speaks, making him perfect
will dare speak the truth

will i dare speak it?
a shadow follows her life
dark, drinking daddy

Homecoming

fall Friday football
backed by blue skies, changing leaves
and the sweetest smile

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