The Buck that Burns Across My Back

It is 14:52 on the eve of ESL summer school. We have spent an entire day, AN ENTIRE DAY, planning for a sixty-five-minute lesson from curriculum that we first laid our eyes on this morning after a completely different and unrelated ENTIRE DAY presentation of curriculum yesterday. And at this moment, he announces that tomorrow, for the first day, the schedule will be “different.” That all our lesson planning has just been flushed down the toilet that has become our society.

I cried on my two-mile walk this morning. Not because it was too hot, or the views of the Perfect Denver Neighborhood weren’t impeccable. Or because I had to teach summer school for four weeks to pay for summer camp for my girls for ONE. But because of an article I read about the University of Phoenix, of all things. About how, in five years, their enrollment has decreased by fifty percent. And starting July 1st, a new law will require that they prove that their graduates make enough money to pay back the loans that their for-profit greed has forced them to take.

I was thinking these things as I made my way across town to the locale of this year’s grant-funded summer school, the University of Denver, a NONprofit institution with gorgeous grounds and transgender bathrooms and air conditioning and classes that start at $1200 a CREDIT.

And how screwed I am. Not because I think that the University of Phoenix is so damn amazing that it could grind up the 100-year-old trees of Denver’s “Ivy League of the West.” But because I have to do this. I have to do this damn summer school and have a part time job as an adjunct-but-never-real professor, that I have to bend my will to the beck and call of disorganized, incapable-of-communicating administrators, all for the buck that burns across my back.

That the measly $600 that I sometimes earn in a month at the University of Phoenix is sometimes all that keeps us from bowing down to debt.

And when he comes in at 13:33 and tells me that they haven’t been able to contact more than 11 students for our summer school, I ask him if it will be cancelled, if I will be shit out of luck on all counts this Tuesday. “No worries… it’s already accounted for… a grant. No pasa nada.” And his blue eyes and Argentinian accent are slappable. “And who paid for it?” I demand, the third time in two months I’ve asked, a question he’s dodged until this moment. “Well… you have. The taxpayers. The READ Act.”

And it all circles back to me. The University of Denver grounds I stand on that have been manicured by professional gardeners. The school I could never afford to attend, nor will any of my children even think of applying to. The public education that is filled and funded with so many holes, twenty-seven gorgeous textbooks, full-color photos and activities galore, a slew of classroom supplies including an electric pencil sharpener, that 11 students will take advantage of … all the rest? To waste.

The “for-profit” evil University of Phoenix that has allowed my family to break free of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle that is a teacher’s salary, that allowed us to live on a pittance in Spain, that has allowed me to… breathe.

What is an education worth? Why won’t parents commit to a forty-five minute bus ride for free materials, expert teachers, individualized classes, and free breakfast and lunch? Why won’t the University of Denver be asked to publish data on how many students graduate with a super-fancy psychology degree and start their salaries at $22,000? Why won’t our government ever just see that EDUCATION SHOULD BE FREE??

This is my Tuesday. Let the games begin. The Hunger Games, real world style.

The New Drive-In

summer-teasing sky
 in the midst of finals week
 beckons this field trip
 
 free lawn movie night
 we can pretend school’s out
 just four days early
 
 

Return

sunny skies return
 for a barbecue birthday
 mimosas and love
 
 perfect city walk
 through the perfect Denver ‘hood
 gold gardens galore
 
 kids with grandparents
 treasuring these small moments
 till the rain returns
 
 

Voices

younger girls’ voices
 marred by oldest’s attitude
 they just want to sing
 
 i just want to hear
 all their tiny voices sing
 like when they were tots
 
 concert on the green
 plagued by rain, adolescence,
 unforgiving looks
 
 at home, peace returns
 Daddy’s voice sings poetry
 as he says goodnight
 
 the oldest studies
 in her hole of happiness
 escapes into books
 
 my voice escapes me
 don’t know how to talk to her
 no voice of reason
 
 will she hear my voice
 when in my dreams, she listens?
 gives voice to my joy?
 
 we all have choices
 to hear the ‘tude or the song
 listen… sweet voices!
 
 

Winding Wounds

no way to see her
 as the crazy little girl
 now so close to teen
 
 i’d rewind our lives
 to bring back those soft moments
 without dirty looks
 
 alas, i chose this
 and still love her–so fiercely–
 love can’t be rewound
 
 
 

What Makes a Marriage

The campground we paid $57 to reserve was covered in snow. Bruce texted me at 2:52 and said we had to cancel. I thought of six devastated girls and my Jordan National Forest upbringing. “Just drive down 285. Surely there’s something.” He reluctantly agreed to meet me in Buena Vista. At 8pm, we pulled into our non-campground, no-bathroom site and fixed Spanish dinner by 19:30. 😉 The next morning it rained/hailed for 3.5 hours, ending with a frightening lightning storm when I said, “Kids, get in the car! NOW!!” And I blessed the lord to let him drive…. Up the road and into a mud pit. He screamed, cried out, “Our brand new car!! Why did I do that?! Why did we come on this trip?!!” And I opened my door, stepped in 7 inches of mud, and walked 100 yards to a camp full of 4-wheel-drive fanatics who came with their tow line and Jeep Rubicon and pulled all 8 of us, Pilot and all, right out of that pit of hell. And he drove reverse for a quarter mile (something I could never do) and the hail melted and the rain stopped and that’s. What makes a marriage.

Battlefield

another battle
 is it the rain, the music?
 or just being twelve?
 
 preteen mood swings break
 my relationship with my
 once-sweet little girl
 
 i try to stay calm
 bring forth my yoga breathing
 my inner smile
 
 but rain keeps beating
 stinging our faces with tears
 will i lose this war?
 
 
 

Yesterday…

the very next day
 frustration rules parenthood
 can’t i just have peace?
 
 
 

Cuando Era Puertorriqueña

one out of seven
 fought back poverty with books
 same family, same chance
 
 i see my students
 make these same choices–young! yet–
 old enough to know
 
 should i fight for them?
 for a dream they look for?
 or is it my dream?
 
 this i’ll never know
 but i’d be one of seven
 and fight my way out

That’s Motherhood

blueberry morning
 jumping, painting, coloring
 make my Mother’s Day
 
 (never mind the fights
 the back talk that’s motherhood
 the teen wannabes)
 
 to end, we play spoons
 the morning snow has melted
 we have only blooms
 
 only love we share
 with slightly spoiled three girls
 who gave me this day