Fit, Fits

i pull apart the pack-n-play–
one of my closest friend’s baby
will sleep here again tonight

it still fits him
(my girls are way outgrown)
and it still fits
in this ten by ten room

the room carpeted green
painted (nine months pregnant) white
that we built with sweat and tears
eleven years in the making

the room in our basement
now stacked with our lives–
books we cannot part from,
handmade quilts, knick-knacks,
art from my mother’s
most delicate brush and pencil,
all our family photos

he will sleep here tonight
(he still fits)
all our closets and walls are empty
(they all fit)

and i just wonder
as i see our life
in perfectly neat stacks–
how can we fit anywhere else?

Circular

a bee stung me today
right above my ear on mile 148
my seven-year-old might
start third grade in Spain

my former colleagues
discussed my job opening
the devils of divorce
and the two-faced
behavior of administrators

this is a list poem
i had two beers
and watched my Spaniards
pack up twenty bags
for the journey i will
soon take my family on

this is the beginning of the end
and the end of the beginning
how circular life can be
when in words we cannot express
all the emotions that draw
the endless lines together

For Our Spaniards

You were in our home for all of twelve hours. You were jet-lagged, disheveled, and still unpacked. Yet, instead of pulling clothing and toiletries out of your suitcases to place upon the shelves of your rooms, Silvia drew out a book entitled Fotos de España for us and jump ropes for each of the girls. Carlos retrieved a balloon air pump and engaged the girls in Spanish conversations: “¿un flor o una mariposa?” And what did you say to us? “When you come to Spain, you will see the children playing these games.” “When you come to Spain, you will see the beautiful palaces from these photos.” “When you come to Spain, you will fall in love with the people.”

Before you were here long, even the youngest, shyest daughter was requesting her balloon, was sitting on Silvia’s lap. I knew that magic had just entered our lives. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, announce to the world, the happiness that seeped from every blood vessel of my heart. It was like a dream, one that could not be defined, but that slips between your subconscious and conscious, shaking you awake with an ever-present smile.

And so our adventure began. Carlos with your infectious humor, describing every life situation with laughter and joy. “And the DMV lady said to me, ‘Are you black or white?’ I had never been asked such a thing, so I turned to her and replied, ‘I don’t know—you tell me.’” “We missed our flight and Thanksgiving Dos. Tomorrow we can have Thanksgiving Tres instead!” “Uh… and how many drinks did Bruce have before he said THOSE words to you?” “Yes, that one… weighs more than me. In first grade.”

And Silvia with your reserved, down-to-earth nature, popping in your bits of advice and no-nonsense approach to life. Silvia, the caretaker who Riona craves to cuddle with (and proudly announces to me on the side, “Mama, did you know that Silvia can read books in Spanish AND English?”). Silvia, whose detailed descriptions of the class from hell bring both empathy and amazement to all ears. Whose love for your family surpasses all, your childhood shenanigans so filled with happiness you feel you can hear all your aunties’ voices as they secretly stole children into rooms.

There is a reason we have come to call you our Spaniards. You are not like any people we have ever known. You are unique in a way that cannot be defined in any language. You are the inspiration and reason for us packing up our family of five and moving them to your home country. Your presence in our lives cannot be replaced, and you will be greatly missed.

You were in our home for all of twelve hours. Telling us we would fall in love with the people in Spain. Well, we had already fallen in love, before ever stepping on a plane, before seeing the palaces from your book, before tasting the Mediterranean air. We had fallen in love with the people who would fill our home with life for eleven months, who won us over before unpacking a single suitcase.

Dots on a Map

yes, it was Hitler.
he gathered them up,
took family members one by one,
and like feathers
tossed into a torrent,
the survivors fled home

that’s my first dot

their home across the sea,
ancestors’ ashes scattered
into a grey Polish sky,
is what brings them to me

my second dot

a rejection letter,
a flyer in a park,
three daughters and a school
quite fluent in Spanish
who years later would fly in
two Spaniards
to fill every moment of our lives

my third dot

was it her Inquisition,
or Hitler’s wrath,
or the coming together
of lines on a child’s paper
that connected the dots,
the dots on a map
that make my dream a reality?

three Colorado girls.
Spaniards full of life.
a doctor from Jerusalem.
with a few words,
desires both evil and good,
we are all connected.

Imaginary Waves

arriving just after dawn
trees bend in the breeze
by midday we swallow sand
the beach’s beauty tainted
a hot wind to bring a new season

I could put my hand out the window
make imaginary waves
pretend that my rhythmic motions
are wings carrying me elsewhere

instead I stare into the distance
mountains masked by haze
and wait for the moment
my moment
when wind will mean more
than bent branches
and the coming of summer

Thirteen Ways of Looking at These Brownies

Modeled after Wallace Stevens’
“Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”

I
my grandmother’s hands
sifting the too-expensive flour
to make my father his
50th birthday cake
(the last time she would show me
her Italian kitchen)

II
the torn-apart bag
flour spilling at the reams
and the brownie recipe of my dreams

III
the first bite of brownie
a culinary orgasmic attack
against the tongue
of every sweet i’d
previously put into my mouth

IV
the shy nudge
the first placement
of a brownie on another’s desk
a reach for friendship

V
imagine a bicycle
a saddlebag
a laptop
five pounds of brownies
1029 feet of elevation gain
gratitude at the end of the ride

VI
Thursday evening
sun setting over every season
a thick black spoon
eight ingredients
black brownie mix
as thick as hope

VII
brownie thank-you cards
mysteriously appear in my mailbox

VIII
handwritten notes
begging to be included on
The Brownie List

IX
popping peppermint in at Christmas
and my daughter’s two-month-later birthday
because everyone has a favorite brownie

X
the joy that rests in your mouth
after eating the brownie
and the joy that rests in your heart
after sharing the taste–
they are one and the same

XI
the small hands
that crack eggs
that beg for a taste
that show the mercy of generosity
as together we make brownies

XII
4500 applicants
an ocean
an opportunity of a lifetime
a store without my brownie ingredients

XIII
seven of the best years of my life
a semi-broken heart
and all the brownies
i will never be able to bake

Cheshire Cat

you sit with your Cheshire cat smile
prettily perched on outstretched limb
you seem to love, but all the while
with callous eyes you scan and skim

i have walked a glorious mile
this is not an unsettled whim
please take back your synthetic smile
till you can learn just how to swim

you took me in, and with your guile
filled my faithful cup to its brim
but you can take your Cheshire smile
and slink along another limb

A Thousand Words

with just seven words
you’ve taken away thousands
our picture no more

Sailor’s Delight

i know the old phrase that brings down the sea
each dawn my mind sees the words cross the sky
it haunts the sailors but doesn’t haunt me
the beauty of dawn is what i live by

it shares, red sky at night, sailors’ delight
though surely the pink Pike’s Peak wasn’t viewed
on each red morning with pink clouds so bright
i can feel my whole soul being renewed

it warns, red sky at morning, sailors give warning
missing the mountain peaks’ glorious blue
pink skies at night bring nothing but mourning
to craved-strength muscles that ache to break through

i hear old phrases with opposite terms
as i cycle my way to a new day
what’s beauty to me, to you is just worms
so i’ll take my colors and sail my way

Shopping

colors of rainbow
in a place i never go
priceless gifts abound