with her
my words are stunted, stuck
my smile hollow, forced
my heart racing, anxious
she can see through me
and calls me on my lack of words
when later the message arrives.
i cannot see through her
nor understand her motivation
nor can bear the thought
of who she sees through those eyes.
is it me
or an altered version of myself,
twisted, inadequate,
the one i try to hide,
the one you seem to never see?
my morning begins
delving into darkness.
just far enough to reach
every constellation,
city lights sparkling,
a gold-threaded quilt
thrown upon the plains,
shadowy hills holding
spotlighted pavement
my day ends
bathed in light.
wind whipping my tires home,
sun splashing its mockery
of rainless spring clouds,
glistening snow-capped peaks
gathering sparkling skyscrapers
in a picture frame of beauty,
sunlit pavement.
for you
the darkness dissipates,
melts into the sparkling spirit
of a new day.
today could be
that night after Homecoming
lying on the floor
of her room
when you and i whispered
into the night,
our teenage angst
spilling out
like blood on the carpet,
revealing our souls,
sealing our friendship.
they play at our feet now,
interrupt our talk
with nursing needs
finding toy needs
food on the table needs,
but our mouths
spill out words
in a rush of
it’s-been-too-long
and
it’ll-never-be-long-enough.
and just as your oldest
and my youngest
find their comfortable niche
of bug-and-Tinker-Toy play,
you and i,
just like that night after Homecoming
when you moved from friend to best,
fulfill our needs
girl-like, loose,
our old and new selves
coming home
at last.
with aching muscles
i nestle into the leather couch
surrounded by strangers,
our children
piling on top of
giant silver foam blocks,
forming friendships
as quickly
as the silvery flakes falling
outside the wall
of white-framed windows.
i watch the snow slither
into the city,
the silver titanium points
of this art museum
a perfect picture frame
of the silvery cityscape of skyscrapers
standing tall against the winter.
it is all warmth here,
all smiles,
and we could stay all afternoon
or forever in my memory.
i read her
sometimes misconstrued
words
that slap
our media-mocked society
with this
thick piece
of modern literature.
and i wonder
as i look at their faces
shuffling in and out
peaked smiles
defensive responses
invariable isolation
which one of you
i want to ask,
would take this horrid day
this horrid combination of days,
trap them in a bottleneck
until
the
whole
world
explodes?
as a duo
we were almost perfect,
a few flaws
pecking their way in.
now the triangle
of desire
has jutted into the mix,
expanding our guts
with bits of business
that neither of us
knows how to digest.
i have shoved
many a thank-you card
into the recycle bin,
skimming over the
cliches and turning
them into trash.
but this one,
this one i will keep.
it is not every day
that such a compliment
can fill every empty space
in my shadows of doubt.
it is only in your shadow,
of course, that the words
are even possible.
but they will stay with me,
forever inscribed in black ink
on my memory as i ask you back:
“What can’t you do?”
i’ll be exhausted
until the day squeezes out
more hours to soothe me.
is anything on
ever worth watching for more
than i can swallow?
her hands on mine aren’t
what i thought would make my weekend,
but snow will turn you.
speaking of blown snow,
what comes out of my drunk mouth
chills everyone here.
smiles wiped weariness
away from my doldrum day
with childhood relived.
we are girls becoming women
and women reliving girlhood.
all it takes
when times get rough
is a dodging-traffic drive
a sled down the mountain
endless screaming and dancing
a squished spider’s funeral
meals for twenty-eight
movies all night
and
the elixir of life
breathing wintry air on our skin,
popping out our souls
on the goosebumped flesh.
we are girls
girls
girls
becoming women.
this is how it would be
you, me, him, them
being all grown up
while the kids
entertain themselves.
this is how it would be
if everything became
what we believed it would
back in the day
when dreams
were still imaginable.
this is how it would be
you, me, him, them
laughing into the night
eating delectable food
remembering our past,
planning for our future.
but it’s not,
and we all know
it never will be.
it will be just you and me
like always
talking about
you, me, him, them
and trying to figure out
where our dreams went awry.
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