PWB

i looked back because of the hits
and there were no haikus
no strict syllable limitations
to the words he watches me hold back

just the brutality of me
full force. in my middle girl’s words
spoken so harshly in the witching hour

that’s how it was then.
poetry without borders, PWB
just doesn’t work the same as DWB
though the after-effect?
like bourbon to the virgin

you would know if you’d been there.
you’d know how painfully dangerous
that hot liquid could burn your soul.

and he would stop. the car.
that’s how bad.

because you reading this?
and all the rest of the non-stalking world?

if you had him at home?
you wouldn’t carry that demon.
it would be buried. six feet under.
and you’d walk the city streets
and set free your child and live
live
live
like every moment was your last.

Home. Made.

another stressed day
just before Christmas bustle
lost to this sickness

tears fresh this morning
frozen pond glistening dawn
star-studded boathouse

guilt trailing my job
as he rushed home, two sick girls
and me? meetings, plans

she came back today
babyless, unpacking shelves
repacking her life

her despondence stung
i couldn’t leave her alone
burdened with boxes

we made plans, had lunch
I got your card, she told me
we’re not sending any

no family photo
for his first, never Christmas

(this is what i hear)

but she won’t say that,
leaves me lines to read between
your girls’ pic was great

her grief in all words
she tells of Christmas-free plans
prepared to move on

this i carry home
with oldest’s three earned awards
to my handsome chef

his job ends next week
i won’t worry who’ll nurse them
and make chicken soup

noodles fall from spoons
and girls, all better, delight
priceless remedy

now they’ll discuss me
what will he do now, and you?
i’ll have no answer

only the safety
of the home he makes for us
beyond what they see

Maternal Thievery

mother’s midnight dance:
rinse puke from stuffies and sheets
listen for gag sounds

hazy dose of job
sick grandma cares for sick girl
while sick husband works

cycle never ends
grandmother mother daughter
through sickness, health

mother’s twilight dance:
six laundry loads, leave sick girl
in hands now soft, warm

sleep? a silent joke
stolen from night, afternoon
thieves, our mothers’ love

Homecoming

there is no measure
for a refugee’s story
it starts where yours ends

to gather the words
thick Asian-Afro-accents?
world peace in ears

just open your heart
your eyes your gut, God your soul
and you will hear them

bleeding through parties
drives across suburban hell
and comedy works

you will hear their cry
their mothers’ and fathers’ cries
and yes, you will cry

it’s the cry that springs
open the dead ache inside
oft named white privilege

please, measure their words
bring back those crossed continents
good Lord, bring them home

Tuned

timid youngest one
belts out her favorite chorus
shines when she’s on stage

middle girl hidden
by misplaced tall fourth grader
i still hear her sing

it won’t be long now
(and i pinch back dreaded thoughts)
this will be over

my oldest, seated
not with us, but with the friends
she has gained this year

how miraculous
to see her back to herself
facing the world

i faced eleven
in this auditorium
but i didn’t sing

three girls, different tunes
wonder where notes will lead them
back to me, i hope

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Life Sentences

the aches and fevers
mid-week stay-with-me stresses
medicine won’t work

she came in a dream
all better (never better)
if only the truth

i hate trapped secrets
the solid weight of her truth
worth liquefying

they have stopped asking
bless the sick season for that
(she’ll be sick for life)

losing a baby,
making candy memories,
alcoholism:

all life sentences
that never bring forth the dream
that they’d imagined

Rules of Childhood

challenging poses
stave off pre-holiday cold
virus can’t beat me

candy-scented home
bowls brimming with sugar dreams
homage to his mom

girls learn gift giving
how to think beyond themselves
wrapped in red ribbon

i’d wrap happiness
and place it under the tree
if it would save them

childhood rules us
far beyond its eighteen years
may theirs be happy

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Birthday Blessings

Friday afternoon
lights fall to meet autumn nights
but you are not here

knowing, my heart aches
secrecy’s not my style
but brutal truth hurts

i’d take back the words
but they’re lost in confession
forgiven, lost, here

just as you should be
beside me with hugs in hand
building my haiku

instead she shows me
engraved Jack Daniels bottle
twenty-one years out

i tell her i’ll cry
and write her a poem later
about that bottle

never in his mouth
infancy or twenty-one
may he rest in peace

you and i would cry
after she left us drinking
but you’re not here, friend

the way the world works
i won’t have you beside me
twenty-one years out

School

i learned there’s no guilt
like the guilt of motherhood
my Tuesday lesson

tossing and turning
don’t turn remorse into gold
they make me feel old

whispers in the hall
worse than when i was in school
oh wait–i’m here. school.

we mock others’ pain
forgetting our own swallows
mixed up with sorrows

three deaths, intervention
wrap up semester’s longing
for life, a new life

we all want sunsets
bright red-circle memories
to bring back our youth

then we’d be in school
that captive institution
we couldn’t flee from

my Tuesday lesson:
mouth shut, sunsets disappear
mouth open, truth shines

Do the Math

so many years back
you sat behind me in math
and offered friendship

now my girls grumble
dress-ups and smiles now gone
where are my children?

i want them to live
to love like each day’s their last
will they forgive me?

i’m not eleven
though i remember too well
that ache from within

when nothing quite fits
but the soul you’re searching for
that you just can’t find

i want the smile
the go-with-me-anywhere
girls who i once had

i guess they’re gone now
lost in electronic maze
hearts closed to new friends

she looks just like you
it’s what i hear every day
just do the math, friend

she’s nothing like me
more brazen and justified
not like you and i