grievous homecoming
tinged with touch of puberty
parenthood pain lasts
The Neverending Ache
grievous homecoming
tinged with touch of puberty
parenthood pain lasts
grievous homecoming
tinged with touch of puberty
parenthood pain lasts
ten months ago, dead:
my heart, when you told me that
(teaching is in me)
but you couldn’t teach
you could only criticize
i’m phoenix rising
with hate, you inspired
with love, i put students first
and guess what? we win
a perfect lesson
fits into care and action
not criticism
if only you’d see:
guide a better tomorrow
we’d want to stay here
but we’re not all strong
or feathers-renewable
with love, you could win
with love, we will win
my students and i? winners
please don’t burn feathers
tap your inner soul
for god’s sake, read the right book
allow us to fly
staff development:
the after school detention
for over-booked teachers
grading until ten:
another form of torture
i put myself through
tomorrow’s feedback:
priceless words that they’ll revise
i live, love for them
after-death clean-out:
desk too big for any room
memories replayed
pictures old and new
as far back as pain will reach
childhood relived
my life: email eye
spying on my every move
wait for responses
girls spin through crying
once it was: feed me, change me
now? essay, read, bathe
single motherhood:
just one week, and not for me
(found him at nineteen)
rushed dinners, yelling
later: lawn, Where’s Waldo search
we’ll never find him
his day versus mine:
turmoil a different tune
loss and love, rebirth
how they bring me joy
after all the years and tears
how they bring me joy
before dawn message
asks permission for my love
i’m awake, ready
my soul sister breaks
before the sun emerges
i’d give her my life
sleep is a present
unpresent in this week’s life
seven days of hell
he flies tomorrow
what if he doesn’t make it
in time for her death?
my girls play the wii
squealing with best friend’s pained joy
parents’ illness wins
and yet they smile
dress up in formal attire
perfect for their game
living life scares me
as i list all my boyfriends
kindergarten up
ask him to recall
if he searched for love like me
or found it at home
he cannot answer
too consumed by coming grief
losing his mother
they will play all night
and go vacation their dreams
never knowing loss
that is what i want
no search for school boyfriends
just love at home. LOVE.
because he came in
and wrote with us a class poem
when we were thirteen
because he’s your dad
forget the swallowed disease
because he made you
for twenty-eight years
your mom gave her life to him
because she loved him
because demons live
even if we wished they’d die
that is why, that’s why
because he deserves
what a father, husband should
he’s not forgotten
because you found him
in your heart, you always knew
that you would find him
the mother of three
raised at home with two parents
he was one of them
because of our youth
the car, recording our voice
and all the journals
he’s in every one
saw through demons to love you
because he loved you
you are my best friend
and he made you, he made you
that is why, that’s why
before dawn alarm
lesson planning just can’t wait
always on my mind
six a.m. invite
curly-haired house of welcome
piano and grins
inside the lead walls?
plea for more books, print, copy
teach the world’s kids
order sympathy
on an unsigned card of hate
my heart sees flowers
psychologist’s help
ends with failing soccer star
begs for a grade change
policies can’t write
or change the screaming patient
that closes my day
teary, manly hugs
from those arms that ask for more
doctors don’t listen
at dark i drive home
day wholly spent on others
to hear more sad news
such is adult life
no more hide and seek for me
everything exposed
but how their eyes light
as they share their days’ stories
must. remember. JOY
It is probably best that you dissented. That Wii and dinner preparation were more important than this Sunday afternoon ride.
We all have our releases. Yours is cutting onions and spinning tires in an imaginary resort. Mine is spinning tires in the real world, on concrete paved just for my bicycle.
I was first out of the gate, ready to win. For one hour, I was not anybody’s mother. Anybody’s teacher. Anybody’s wife. Anybody’s (even the one who lost her baby) friend. I was just a cyclist, three words to my name: “On your left!!” shouted to the tops of the peaks. Ringing out over my music. Move out of my way because there are not enough miles, not enough breaths in my lungs, not enough songs on this playlist to pedal through this pain.
Only: Road, River, Range. That is all I wanted to see. That is all I wanted to pull into my soul this Sunday. Those blue Colorado skies, the perfectly paved path, the river that feeds us all, and the mountains that divide our continent. There is nothing in this world more beautiful than sweat trickling down a back, tight thigh muscles, clicking gears, and That View. I could live my whole life in that one hour, the numbness of nightmares disappearing with each and every mile.
Forget what she said on Friday. Or the horrible news that I might carry like a burden for three weeks and she will carry for a lifetime. Forget that I came home to discover my husband’s mother rests on her death bed and my little girls can’t quite wrap their minds around anything deeper than the five-house alley-walk to their friend’s house.
Forget it all for this one breath-stealing shout-out: Road, River, Range. Placed here for me, for all of us, to tackle with this perfect body someone gave me to live on this Earth.
The three R’s. Only a different lesson.
a day in the park
as autumn weather moves in
cold ices my veins
sisterly battles
between friendships and trees
which one should i climb?
criticism blast
before Middle Eastern meal
battle of parents
which one should i choose
the oak dropping its acorns
or drought-dying maple?
a day in the park
full battle gear, war ready
at least we can choose