I Damn Well Know I Can Do It Again!

I’m old. That is pretty much my realization at this point of my year in Spain. I was thinking about my horrific schedule, and reading about all the employees who had to work on Black Friday, and even Thanksgiving this year (GAG!!), and then I started chiming in about my movie theatre days, when I never knew my schedule from week to week, always had to work holidays, and had no benefits. Thinking about this brought my mind around to college in general, where my schedule obviously changed from one semester to the next, with classes on varying days and hours with irritating middle-of-the-day breaks.

Only then, those breaks weren’t irritating. I used them to catch up on homework, chat with friends, or go home to see Bruce on his days off.

I rode home today during my intermittently-interrupted “three-hour” break (with a tutoring session scheduled smack dab in the middle), and of course I had to work during my free time on my University of Phoenix class, part-time job number three.

But it occurred to me, when I was telling the students in Spain about Black Friday, when I was reminiscing those glorious movie theatre days when I got “promoted” to assistant manager and all the employees called in on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, leaving us three managers standing with lines out the door because everyone in America had to see The Green Mile rather than having a conversation with their family members on a sacred holiday, that I have done this before.

And I can do it again.

Sure, stack on the responsibility of caring for three children… but I can do this. I can piece together three part-time jobs to somewhat fill in the gaps of a severely minimal salary. I did it before, worked my way through college, not a penny of debt trailing behind me, and I can damn well do it again.

However, when I was trying to say to Bruce tonight, “That wasn’t that long ago… I mean, I just did that!” I realized that it was thirteen-fifteen years ago… man I’m old. This is why all the other auxiliares are twenty, why they don’t blink for a moment when they pile on extra tutoring sessions or weave their way between parties and bars. They are young, with raw desire for what the world can still offer them, the inconvenience of an erratic schedule just that… an inconvenience.

But as I sat at home this afternoon, thinking, Wow, if my school actually had functioning Internet, I could just stay there and do this Phoenix work, I cut myself short. I came home to Bruce who fixed tea for my aching throat, piled high scrambled eggs with sour cream and salsa, Spanish bread on the side, just exactly how I like them, and my legs were still burning from my quick uphill ride, a few extra miles of back-and-forth commuting tucked under my belt, and I knew, I just knew, I had reached a turning point.

I’ve done it before, and even if I am as old as a bat, I damn well know I can do it again!

Dimension

i am not here in this moment
of screaming, cussing anger.
i am magically moving my father’s car
into another dimension

here, at home, where i have a husband
who in thirteen years has barely
raised a voice, let alone allowed a cuss
in a world that is love, love, love.

you may pull forward your Sorento
and disappear into your hateful reality.
i prefer to remain in the dimension of love
that shields my heart from your evility.

you will drive home, your elderly parents
unable to determine where they went wrong.
i will drive until he takes the wheel from my
shaking hands, his hands on my hands, my heart.

Blink

how could a movie made for children
bring tears to my eyes
and leave a mark of sadness on my heart
for the remainder of the day?

because I’m a mother,
and what I see in this film
is the coming end of
the three girls sitting beside me,
now in booster seats,
whispering, “Is there more popcorn?”
and rocking the seats
annoyingly as all small children do,
and the day when
they too will pack their most
sacred toys in boxes,
ship them off to a storage room
or some new little girl’s house,
stuff their cars,
and drive away to college.

and before i can even blink,
all i will have left of this day,
of any other day that i have with them,
will be a memory.

Questioning Our Citified Life

I have lived in a city or suburb for most of my life. So long that I sometimes forget that my earliest memories, and many of my happiest, are rooted in the small town where I spent the formative years of my youth. My town was so small that it didn’t even have a movie theater, a high school, or any type of museum. It had what every tiny town in America has: a post office the size of a small apartment, a general store, and a café for all the farmers to go when their days in the fields have been too long.

I was reminded today, once again, of small town living. Though Mayfield isn’t quite so tiny, more like the famous Canandaigua, the “big” town of 10,000 where my parents worked, where we had to drive to buy groceries, etc., I am amazed at just how small this town is. On the bike rides in all directions I’ve taken from here, it is no more than two miles from my sister’s house, in the middle of town, until I am surrounded by two lane country roads and cornfields. To me, it is almost like existing in another dimension, so used to the city life I am.

Amazingly, they do have a movie theater here, and having nothing else to do after our daily dose of menu planning, five loads of laundry, bathing the kids and the dog and cleaning the entire house, I decided to take the girls there. I of course didn’t need to consult a map or look at Moviefone online: the marquee for the theater, on the town’s main thoroughfare, is obvious from the road with its two daily shows: one at two, one at seven.

“Where is the theater?” Myhili asked before we left.

“Right by Wal-mart.” Of course every town has a Wal-mart.

“Isabella, the movie theater is right by Wal-mart, so I know where it is already,” being the professional who has gone to Wal-mart both in the car and on the Vittetoe Express.

Leaving the house just ten minutes before two, we pulled into the parking lot of the rundown shopping center with the marquee out front. On my right was a concrete three-story building with Regents Bank written on the outside, and in front was a one-story plaza with an L-shaped line of stores and restaurants and empty plots. “Now where is the theater?” I mumbled, and circled around the bank. “Is it in the same building with the bank?”

“Why are you driving in circles?” Mythili’s finger-sucking grumbling had begun.

“Girls, help me find the theater. Do you see it?”

One of the stores was called Gotham City. I drove towards it, thinking that could be the name of a theater. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly. Perhaps a building with a higher roof, at the very least. But as I came back around from Gotham City, I saw the small blue building. It didn’t look like it could be much bigger than the ranch house where Elizabeth and Zak live.

“That’s it?” was our mutual response.

Running out of time before the show, we rushed inside, paid who I think was the owner our fare, bought popcorn, and stepped inside the tiny, empty theater.

“I think the movie’s over,” Isabella pointed out. “Everyone’s gone.”

“That means we get to sit wherever we want,” I smiled, happy about that. We settled in and all of five people shuffled in after us, but the show didn’t quite start on time.

“I think they’re waiting for all the other people to come before they can start the movie,” logical Mythili.

“Sweetie, I think this is about it.”

“How do they play it anyway?”

“With a projector. It’s a machine that runs the film.”

And before I could even turn my head, all three girls were craning their necks to the portions of the projector that actually existed in this minuscule room they call a theater.

Finally the movie came on and halfway through Shrek 4 Riona announced, “It’s a gigantic TV!”

That pretty much sums up our small town visit. We saw our movie on a gigantic TV in a room not much bigger than my sister’s living room in a town not much bigger than our suburban neighborhood. Was the movie just as good? Yes. The popcorn? Yes. The girls just as happy? Yes. Maybe a citified life isn’t the greatest after all.

How I Spend My Saturdays

Once upon a time, Bruce and I used to sleep in until almost ten. We’d enjoy each other for a little while and share a shower, then inevitably head over to the local LePeep, which changed each time we moved—four times in our first four years together. He always got a skillet or a combo of eggs, bacon, peasant potatoes, and pancakes, and I used to order the eighteen-wheeler, which had French toast, the same famous potatoes, eggs, and a side of some type of pork that I would quickly shove over to him. We also loved to order the fancy $3 drinks, hot chocolate for me and a mocha for him. By noon, we were stuffed and ready to enjoy an afternoon of going to a movie, walking around the mall, or picking up a few groceries for our mid-week, mostly “freelance” (make what you want) meals. Then we would go out for dinner—our favorites were Chili’s, Old Chicago, or Noodles and Company. We might rent a movie after dinner, stay up late, and repeat the whole process on Sunday.

How foreign it all seems now. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve had three babies, because I’m old, or because I’m too set in an early-morning routine, but even if my girls sleep past 6:30, there’s no way I ever will again. Now I might drink a glass of water while I cuddle on the couch with Mythili or remind the girls relentlessly to go potty and get dressed while I sip coffee and fix up a breakfast of homemade pancakes. (A restaurant for breakfast? Paying $3 for a cup of Joe? My flaxseed whole wheat w/applesauce pancakes beat anything I’ve ever bought at LePeep, and I make my own “mocha” with a scoop of hot cocoa in my morning coffee). Then we might linger before our first activity, which could include anything from going to Target to buy yet another birthday gift for a party Isabella’s invited to, taking the girls to a swim or skating lesson, or visiting the library to pick up the books we have on order and the movies we’ll need to entertain the girls so we can have ninety minutes of peace. We’ll come home and fix sandwiches with our homemade bread and set out our grass-fed beef for a meal that we chose from a recipe and whose ingredients we put on the grocery list a week ago. The afternoon will be filled with girls playing outside in the cul-de-sac or whining about using the computer or, like today, in a line of cars around a Lowe’s waiting to pick up Girl Scout cookies, and we’ll finally settle everyone down for a pre-dinner bath and movie, a delicious home-cooked meal, and a nice early bed time. Bruce and I will stay up “late” watching our own Netflix movie, hitting the hay around ten.

Just like they always say: having a child changes everything. Having three makes you change your whole routine, your whole attitude towards what’s important, where your money goes, and how you spend your Saturdays.

Concessions

From the Latin concedere, to completely yield

1999-2002

stop here and I will upsell you
a giant buttery tub as wide as a hug
a soda that weighs as much as your baby
so much candy you might puke later

but you’ll enjoy your theater experience
that much more because I suckered you in
because you yielded to your desires
and footed $25 more than what you paid for tickets

and as you hand me your card or cash
I’ll ignore the stench of BIB’s and
the slippery tractionless popcorn-filled floor
and the palm oil that permeates the air

smiling all the while as I earn my $7.50,
paying my way through college with this
thankless job, knowing that I can concede
to your audacity because one day I won’t have to.

2008-2010

my era of admission has come full circle
as step after step I tread as carefully as a crane
just like the paper ones that dangled,
pale blue and innocent, along the church aisles

now both of us have shed our naiveté
and the truth seeps from our souls
through black and white keyboards,
drunken words, and the wrath of darkness

in my mind I have seen both sides of this story
each one conceding to the other in a series
of twisted images that I can neither sleep through
nor accept when my eyes, paralyzed, pop open

yet, from this moment I recapture the past
and though I cannot change the path I led it down
I see you in the shadows as if for the first time
knowing that I can completely yield to our love.