The Clouds of a Crisis

the clouds move in
on our long walk across town,
the bike ride’s end
tagging along my subconscious

their cacophony emanates
through slick crosswalks
and cart-pulling passersby
as we make our way into
the theatre where they will become
the stage presences
they’ve only seen in pictures

after the show my colleague announces,
heavy accent and all,
It’s raining men,
and his prim-and-proper appearance,
his paisley umbrella,
fit in a warm spot
at the bottom of my heart

i teach one class (solo today),
the chart comparing schools
in Spain to America
too dense to ever fit
within the bounds of
a chalk-dust ridden
minuscule version of education

the rides home, back out,
home, back out, cause waves
of daily inconsistency that
pour out of the sky,
bearing down on the heaviness
of my home across the sea

my country sits divided
on a fence i cannot fathom,
these moments of
familiarity and love
bursting through
the clouds of a crisis
none of my countrymen can understand

in darkness,
on rain-slick tiled side streets,
i make my final pedal,
capture your words on the screen,
and wonder when we can
relinquish the rain

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A Vacation Day

small mountains pounded by wind
for a million more years
than our Rockies,
we listen to the persistent slap
of waves coming in,
smashing into slate,
bubbling up along the beach,
a Mediterranean breeze
no competition
for howling Fourteeners’ gales

just like in Colorado,
only shrubbery will grow here,
yet it persists
beneath a blistering sun
that has taken a vacation day,
just as we do now

instead, sprinkles of rain
mock our first steps,
and we discover fluffy carrascos
and giant yucca-like palm bushes,
a chaparral setting with
soil colorado, tinted red,
the roots of our state
along the shores of this sea

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Just Another Day in Spain

The first day of first, third, and fourth grade! In SPAIN!

It begins at dawn, though the remainder of the world would not consider 7:30 a.m. dawn. Perhaps the sun setting at 21:00 in mid-September and not rising till 7:30 is just one of the reasons Spaniards wander the streets till the middle of the night, why they sleep in the middle of the afternoon.

I rise and get myself ready, everything about my movements pins and needles. The first day of school is always nerve-wreaking to mothers, but for my girls to start school (and not the one I wanted) that will be wholly in a new language, in a foreign country, where none of us know a soul? It’s no wonder I didn’t sleep.

They don’t particularly want to go, either, but are happy to put on regular clothes rather than the silly uniforms required by their charter school in the States. Before I know it, dawn has passed, dishes are washed, and we’re walking down the six flights of stairs to the street, where we see other mothers and children walking. This brings instant relief to my girls, who love pointing out all the children, noticing their backpack types, their shoes, their clothing.

We stand outside the gates of the school with the other parents, taking pictures like we always do on the first day… until we realize that we are the only ones taking pictures. Of course, let’s put a spotlight on our Americanism. Soon a nice mother comes up and speaks in English (albeit broken), telling us what to do as they open the doors and letting us stand on the patio. In a few moments, a siren-like bell rings, and all the kids shuffle in the school, parents left outside. Bruce and I exchange looks of panic. We don’t even know what classes the girls are in. How will they? But before we know it, the secretary comes out and allows us in, only for us to discover the school is so tiny that there is only one section per grade! (And I thought we were lucky at their class size limitation of twenty-three!)

We look through the doorways at all our girls’ apprehensive faces, wave goodbye, and head onto our day of adventure.

All I need to do is make copies, pick up my debit card at the bank (26€!!—must everything cost an arm and a leg??), and spread out flyers advertising my English tutoring. We are interrupted in front of the copy shop by a huge strike moving along in front of the Ayuntamiento, men in blue uniforms holding signs about the government robbing them, all plugging their ears at optimal moments before letting loose cannon-like firecrackers in the streets, their voices and faces a mixture of jubilation and angst. The fluorescent-green uniformed police stand on the outskirts of their demonstration, their raucous and cannons just a part of their day.

We move on into the busy morning of Cartagena, taping up flyers and stopping at the grocery store where everyone in Spain is shopping before school gets out. We tear off giant pieces of French-style bread on our way back to the apartment, and before we know it, the arduous four hours of school are over, and we stand again with the rest of the parents outside of the gate.

The same siren releases our girls, who come out with giant smiles and tales of their day so similar to the tales from home, relief washes over all of us. Mythili made four friends, has multiplication homework with four numbers on top, and is adamant about us buying her books and supplies by morning. Riona admits that she understood only some of what her teacher said, but she made a friend who shared crayons with her. Isabella, sentence by sentence, tells me all the grammatical errors and vocabulary she fixed for her English teacher, pointing out that she could teach that class (I have no idea where a daughter of mine would get an idea like that!!).

I then set out on an adventure of my own: shopping for the infamous libros de texto I’d been told would cost a fortune. I ride the bike across town, Mythili’s school supply list in tow, to Carrefour, Spain’s Wal-mart. It is only when I enter the store and begin looking at her school supply list that I realize, again, that I don’t speak Spanish. Libreta? Carpeta? Caseras? As if school supply shopping isn’t difficult enough, I am searching for items that I have no clue what they are! Can Mexico and Spain make an agreement and share the same language, puuhh–leeez!!

Then the books. NONE are on the shelf. Lined up behind the counter are all the organized-people-in-the-world’s preordered, boxed-beautifully libros de texto. I start to panic, and take out my iPhone, quickly typing in the ISBN numbers the school provided, hoping Amazon will save me as always. After four entries of “No disponible,” I begin to realize the truth behind what my Spaniards had warned me was a huge publishing scam. No one can buy these books on discount or order them online. We are victims to overpriced bullshit!!

I send a Skype chat to Bruce that just repeats FUCK four times, then finally have my place in line fulfilled. Giving the sales associate my iPhone and Mythili’s list, he disappears into the back to retrieve my books. Well… two-thirds of my books. The remainder he doesn’t have, and as usual, I don’t know the right words to ask him if they’ll order more, and I’m running late anyway, so I book it out of there, penniless in my pursuit (ummm. 5€ for a NOTEBOOK??)

I fill my backpack and two saddlebags with all the supplies, patting myself on the back for at least having the adamancy to bring my bike! What a relief! I rush up the six flights of stairs with all that in tow, thinking, I sure as hell don’t need a gym this year. Then shower, dress, off to my first appointment with potential clients, who meet me in front of the giant JCPenney (AKA Corte Inglés, twelve stories in the making), and of COURSE we go to a café. Ironically, I order my Spain-usual café con leche, and they each order a Coke.

We talk for more than an hour, and somehow manage, with my broken Spanish, to arrange tutoring with their three- and six-year-old sons for four hours a week! (No need to mention I have no idea what I’ll be doing, and I think it’s just glorified babysitting in English, but whatever!)

Then Bruce and I make our first Spanish tortilla, for the most part successfully interpreting the Spanish directions on the baking powder package, and it’s a hit with all the girls, who BEG to go to the park after dinner as those are the hours that kids will actually BE there. And they’re right. It’s party time at the park, and Isabella makes a friend who comes up to her parents on the adjacent bench bragging about her American friend, with her parents’ response being, “Que suerte.”

We are lucky. While in the park I receive four emails inquiring about tutoring!! On the walk home at eight-thirty, Mythili has switched her ever-imaginary talk with dolls to Spanish, and we put the kids to bed so I can head to Corte Inglés for one more attempt at books… to no avail.

But it’s just another day in Spain. There’s always tomorrow between nine and two, where I can witness a strike, have a café, and make the most of every moment.

The Top

Doubt and stress have plagued me for months. You may think I am different from you, a standout among your citizens. But I am just like every other American, fighting my way to the top, working, working, working till there’s nothing left to work for.

There is a difference, though. I am working for a different top, a different experience, one that cannot be achieved by sitting on my back patio and complacently watching my children push each other on the tire swing.

The blood, sweat, and tears I’ve put into my version of the top are not much different, though, than any MBA-proud corporate employee climbing his way up the ladder to the corner office, the brightly lit view of downtown, the paycheck that buys his family all they’ll ever need or want… His presence not included.

I want a top where we’re all there, watching the moon rise in the still-light-at-8-o-clock twilight, our tired eyes too overwhelmed to accept the shift that has moved us from one continent of thought to another.

It may look the same. There are maples and evergreens, dry plains and rose bushes, mountains starving for moisture. Just like home. There’s a Burger King, McDonald’s, Starbucks. They’re right there, along the same boulevard that leads to the king and queen’s palace, the plaza mayor, the Roman built museums and churches. Even along the highway, you might think you’re driving in Kansas, as one wind farm after another pepper the landscape, propellors spinning languidly in the heat that has followed us across an ocean.

Let’s try some fast food, shall we? It’s inside this tiny restaurant with tables on the sidewalk. Tortilla de patatas, sardinas con aceitunes, cafe con leche, langosta pequeña, tastes that pop in our mouths, that burst with whole ingredients our American stomachs can’t quite identify. We will sit for hours, Spaniards sharing their stories, asking about ours, lingering over a meal with so many small courses that we fear it may never end. Each time another platito comes out, we hear, “Muy tipico de España.” I want to say, “Us? We’re very typical of Americans.” But I know it wouldn’t be true.

I didn’t even need to leave the airport to shed, after a walk down marble steps into a heat-filled baggage claim, my typical American view of stress, doubt, fear, loss. We’d been traveling for twenty hours, loaded down with three girls, eight bags, and all our dreams. To move from one gate to another in the Toronto airport, we had to stand in line, fill out declaration forms and get our passports stamped (I thought we were buds with Canada?).

But in Madrid? Six empty windows with sharply-dressed, handsome Spanish police officers stood waiting for our arrival. I swallowed, ready to answer twenty questions, ready to declare all that they could ask of me, ready to complete an array of paperwork with my broken linguistic abilities. Instead? One officer took our five passports, opened them up to the page with the visas, stamped them, handed them back, said, “Bienvenidos a España,” as simply and suddenly as he’d taken them in his hands. Not a question, not a form, not a single complication.

I’m still fighting my way to the top. It may look a little different, linger a little longer on the realm of success as seen by others. But my version of the top began in that moment, the moment I realized that things don’t have to be as complicated as we make them out to be. We could, for a year at least, immerse ourselves in the relaxed Spanish view of the world. Will I be able to reach my dream, to reach for the top? Perhaps, perhaps not. But whenever I feel myself falling off my ladder of success, I will open my passport, look at that stamp, and remember what it is that I came here for.

Closed Eyes

with closed eyes we see the world
blanketed by senseless screens
absent of real words
imagery we can’t understand

with closed eyes the world sees us
hidden behind doors
lost from human contact
connections we can’t define

with closed eyes we see the world
painted with desire
immersed in ourselves
love we cannot celebrate

Stardust

i thought i hated you
but you have come back in dreams
the holographic star
not letting loose a feathery dress
formed by British hands
instead the skyscrapers formed from stardust

i could call it haunting
(for it wakes me)
but it is a joyous light
leading so many home
in those underground pathways
too hot to touch in my subconscious

you will return
just as i have to you
and we will remember being eight
and the giant Christmas tree over ice
the guards in front of FAO
and the stardust skyscrapers
now rising up from ash

Twisted Logic

how can i explain
the twisted logic
she openly verbalizes
as we sift through photos
of smoke and ash?

she will only see (one day)
perfect reflection pools,
beams of light calling to heaven,
beautiful bright buildings
standing like shadows
in place of what was lost.

she will not remember
(or pull back tears as i do),
but look into the world
with the hope that
the twisted logic of those ‘pilots’
is left behind with the rubble
they wrapped in a flag and carried home.

Public Library

Dear Self-Absorbed Republicans,

Thank you once again
for denying public interests
and literacy
and all that is good
to us lower-class citizens
who can no longer use
the “public” library
that you voted down.

Go ahead and take your
free cards in
so you can stock up on
rated R movies
ignoring the masses
that surround you
and can no longer
check out thirty-three books
a week for our children
to benefit from.

One day,
just like Karl Marx predicted,
we will rise up
and show you that,
despite your measly offerings,
we are still strong,
still united,
and always willing
to fight our way to the top.

Christmas Morning

it is what it is
whether you accept it or believe it
(me, neither)
a consumer’s holiday
propped up
with bells and music
church visits
and nativity scenes.
we lie to them
from birth.

somehow,
with enough eggnog amaretto
and song after song
gift after gift
we buy into
this charade,
inundating another generation
of false generosity.

Thanksgiving’s over.
Let’s shed ourselves
of the one truly American holiday
and head to the mall
where we can be
the sickening
self-absorbed
Americans we have all come
to love, come
Christmas morning.

Election Day

it’s election day
and instead of red or blue
i’m wearing purple

i didn’t consider
when sleepy-eyed
i picked this passion,
two layers of
red-mixed-with-blue,
violent violet,
that i’d be combining
both parties.

this is where i am now.
no, not in the middle
no, not wary of my political stance
no, not accepting the other side.

just purplish
feeling a bit
done
done
done
with politics
that with any combination,
redbluepurple,
bring angst
into our lives.