The Dark Side of Testing

Dear Mr. John Fallon, CEO of Pearson:

“If you’re going to send me out, you better fucking send him too! What the fuck is this, he threw shit at me!”

This is not a post about testing.

It is about what you don’t see, as a corporation who thinks it would be amusing to test children for eleven hours out of their instructional year (on top of classroom tests, reading tests, English language proficiency tests, and district tests). It is about the other side of testing, the weight that bears down on us (teachers, students, parents, administrators) as we face each day with another disruption.

Not only did the students miss an entire week of instruction in March, but they also must have their schedules disrupted for a solid two weeks in May, in addition to the already-in-place finals schedule?

As Mark Twain said, “Teaching is like trying to hold thirty-five corks under water at once.” Try holding them under water after two months of testing, two weeks of a different schedule, and one hour and forty-five minute classes. I don’t know about you, but the last time I wanted to spend a solid 105 minutes on a task, it was a date with my damn pillow. Try entertaining/testing/questioning/reading with/TEACHING a bunch of fourteen-year-olds for that amount of time. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Hence the outburst at the beginning of this post, at the end of day three of this schedule, when we’d all about had enough. It didn’t matter that I picked a book just for kids like him, about a refugee from South Sudan. It didn’t matter that we were about to watch a documentary about the real struggle of Lost Boys. It didn’t matter that I care about everything that we read, speak, and think in my creaky-floored, ever-hot urban classroom. All that mattered was that he–and I–and all of us had reached our limit.

With my other classes, we went to the library to check out books. Upon arrival, we witnessed the mass of students who opted out of the PARCC and were sitting listening to music, streaming videos, and losing another three and a half hours of instruction this week because their parents had the gall to stand up to this nonsense, but not the ability to come and retrieve them from the school.

This is what you don’t see, Mr. CEO with expertise in the “financial sector.” This is not about money. This is not about students’ abilities to meet a standard set forth by a corporation. This is not about a test.

It is about human lives, human quality of life, that with your impossible expectations and complete lack of experience in AN ACTUAL SCHOOL, you couldn’t possibly understand. Make the test digital! Have you ever thought for one moment that my school district, along with thousands of others, doesn’t have a computer for every student like your $8.6-billion-dollar-profit-in-one-year company can provide for its employees? And because of that, testing has to be spread out over days, weeks? Have you ever thought that the questions you ask students, that have been formulated by a team of specialists wanting to sell curricula to failing schools across the country, can’t even be answered by well-educated adults? Have you ever been a School Assessment Leader, a now-full-time position in every school in the nation, trying to balance the lives and supervision of pre-ACT, ACT, PARCC, ACCESS, Interims, SRI, and AP tests in the 180-day school year? (On that note, have you thought about when we would actually have time to do our jobs–TEACH?)

This is not a post about testing.

It is about the dark side of testing. The students who shout out that, “If this test doesn’t count for our grade, and doesn’t determine the classes we can take next year, and doesn’t count towards graduation, then why do we have to take it?” It is about the dark shadow that falls upon schools that are filled with impoverished children, abused children, children whose first language isn’t English, refugees, immigrants, affluent children, apathetic children and children who care more than anything about their education, and the teachers who commit most of their lives to their love for these children, and your. TEST. IS. MAKING. THEM. HATE. US.

Have you thought for a minute, a singular minute, to set foot inside a school? To see for yourself what the students see? To sit for one hour and forty-five minutes in ninth grade English, have a measly five-minute break, then go through the bug-ridden process of trying to log on and then take a math test in geometry that includes trigonometry questions that they won’t study until eleventh grade? Have you visited the students in the library who have lost half a week with the teacher who they wrote cards of gratitude for during teacher appreciation week?

Have you thought for ONE MINUTE about the human effects of your test?

This is not a post about testing. It is a post about you. About your company. About our society. About the people who chose this career not for a profit but for the love of children. They are not profit centers. They are not machines who can be reprogrammed to obediently accept all we dish out.

They are our future.

Please, Mr. Fallon. Let us be sure that we will still have a future to look forward to. Visit a school. Talk to a child. Be something other than a test.

Because this is not a post about testing.

Blame Game

i give exemplars
 rubrics defining each part
 yet you ignore them
 
 you’d rather blame me
 with a 2 a.m. complaint
 that i am unfair
 
 i cordially write
 explaining what makes papers
 but you don’t respond
 
 at school, more chaos:
 PARCC schedule: 2-hour class
 for ninth-grade babies
 
 it’s no wonder when
 one stands up shouting, cussing
 routine wrecked for tests
 
 what people don’t see:
 accountability lost
 teachers? the ones blamed
 
 and yet, i love them,
 want us all to be better,
 face our faults… and win
 

Counting

today’s simple gift:
 a colleague’s clock to time class
 (every minute counts)
 
 my return to him:
 how to create hyperlinks
 (every slide show counts)
 
 why co-teaching wins:
 ideas are best when shared
 (every good one counts)
 

I Should Hate This…

testing confession:
 extra planning time saves me
 from taking work home
 
 
 

Try. Harder.

three theme paragraphs
 if saved could build your essay
 not important though
 
 apathy rules school
 am i wrong to wonder why?
 or wasting my time?
 
 disorganized hope
 for a better tomorrow
 can it ever come?
 
 
 

Actual Advice Please

one more blog bragging
 about money saving tips
 i’m gonna lose it
 
 it’s easy to save
 when your salary’s double
 what a teacher earns
 
 i can just get by
 three kids, two jobs, zero debt
 yet no spare nickel
 
 a livable wage
 is all i am asking for
 not a useless post
 
 try living on this:
 string of broken promises
 thin enough to break
 
 
 

La Escuela de Verano

finally, a chance
 spring breaks through with summer hope
 work for road trip dream
 
 
 

Guidebook for Twelve Years Old

I am the working mother, and he is home with them right now. This is why I receive a call from him–not from the school–after the incident has already occurred. First rule of being married to the person who knows me better than anyone on this planet: my phone does NOT ring while I’m at work unless there is an actual emergency. And that is why, as I stand surrounded by fifty students from seventy countries (whose names I spent 36 minutes taping to the backs of seats in preparation for the flag rehearsal), I walk out of the high school auditorium to take his call. That is why, three minutes later, I am picking up my backpack and running out the door, running against the violent spring wind uphill for 1.4 miles to meet my younger two daughters, to intercept their questions before they meet their oldest sister.

All the time I make the dash, I am thinking about what he said. A simple text to a girl whose name neither of us has heard. A quote found online that she was just telling me about yesterday: “Life doesn’t have a Control Z button.” (Our conversation continued with–Me: “What does Control Z do?” Her: “You know, UNDO.” Me: “That’s true!” Smile. Nod. Think of regrets, mistakes, times I wish I could have done something over. Perhaps she thought the same. “Cute quote.”)

And that girl’s email to their advisor: “I think Isabella is having suicidal thoughts.” And her advisor’s email to the interim school dean. And that dean calling her down to the office. And Isabella, first time in her entire school career being called to the office, becoming completely distraught. “Do you want to harm yourself? What is your home life like? How are things with your parents? Do you have friends at school?” And I don’t know what else. All I know is Bruce’s words related to me, of receiving three phone calls while he was in the shower and not understanding the dean’s heavy accent and walking into the school to see our twelve-year-old daughter crying in his office when he arrived, one hour before the school day was over.

And my two young babies, still in elementary: “Why can’t we stay and play, and why are you here instead of Daddy?” “Well, Daddy is home with Isabella.” And the momentary lapse of understanding, followed by questions. “Why is she home? Why isn’t she at school? What happened?” And the lie, one of eleven lies all adults make per week according to Riona’s read-aloud proclamation from her Weird but True book yesterday, “She wasn’t feeling well.” “Well what’s wrong? Her stomach or her head?” (Oh, Mythili). “Her head.” “Oh, I remember this one time when I had a headache and Ms. _____ wouldn’t let me go to the nurse and….” That is my life.

And I need a guidebook for Twelve Years Old. Man I thought fifth grade was hell. No friends, fresh from Spain, a little behind in all her schoolwork, and seeing nothing but pain flash across her face. But tell me, please don’t fucking tell me, that I have carried this child across the world and back with this ever-loving family wrapping its heart around her every tear, her every obnoxious teasing of younger sisters, for her to think at twelve years old that she wants to UNDO HER LIFE.

These are the things I don’t say to Mythili. The constancy of doubts that inundate a mother’s entire existence. The waves, weight of those doubts. Of the Spanish none of us really learned. Of the pieces we had to put back together, a world of debt and a house lost and a new career and a new everything, all sitting in that damn twenty-pound backpack her militaristic school makes her carry every day.

When I arrive home with the babies in tow, I go straight to her, already in pajamas at 3:52, fully engulfed in her fantasy novel. Just like my sister, her namesake. Trying to escape … something. Me? Him? School? The analysis could kill me. (Allow me this small irony). I sit beside her on the couch. “Hey sweetie… you OK?” Mythili pokes at her hair. “Looks like your headache’s gone” and Isabella flashes me the “I-know-Santa-doesn’t-exist” look. And she gets it, and I get it, she’s so my mini-me.

I text her father before I go to Spanish class (already mentioned–didn’t actually LEARN SPANISH while in Spain). “Were the phrases ‘Suicidal thoughts’ or any other such phrases used in her presence today?”

He doesn’t respond. I heat up pasta and wish for another night for this event. “We’ll talk later.”

He fills me in after they’re in bed. “I pulled over when … We talked about it. She knew what it was and started crying all over again, saying she’d been afraid of death her whole life and couldn’t imagine why anyone would do that…”

And he showed me the texts. The girl, the “friend,” didn’t even know at first who it was who was texting her. As soon as Isabella sent the text, the girl asked her if she wanted to kill herself. Isabella’s response: “What? I just thought it was funny.”

Is it me? Us? Our society? My children have lived nothing less than a sheltered life. Barely a PG-13 movie in their entire existence. Is it my daughter who should be pulled from class, made to think these thoughts, or the girl who had the idea in the first place? Why would she so rapidly jump to the conclusion that a silly little Internet quote meant suicidal thoughts? Why must the dean be informed, the school day cut short? Why bring this on all of us in this house, this home, this safety net we have wrapped around the twelve years of her precious life?

These are the questions I cannot answer without my Guidebook for Twelve Years Old. My working-mother-love-them-to-death-father-who-asks-the-true-questions lack of a guidebook. These are the questions I ask you: Does it ever get any easier? If so… when? (Please don’t say deathbed).

Spring Breaks Truth

back to books, learning
 soft grumbling teenagers
 who only love phones
 
 
 

Inbox

inbox second chance
 two weeks too late, money spent
 hope revealed, heart lost
 
 i want to find home
 with work that’s my second home
 please just show me how
 
 no more promises
 that crush dreams i’ve long carried
 with your inbox lies
 
 i came home to you
 my city, my youth, my school
 don’t betray me now
 
 show me you have grown
 built truths from these high prices
 that surround me now
 
 please just show me how
 fill my inbox with one hope:
 second chance success