Life. Love. Loss.

before dawn message
asks permission for my love
i’m awake, ready

my soul sister breaks
before the sun emerges
i’d give her my life

sleep is a present
unpresent in this week’s life
seven days of hell

he flies tomorrow
what if he doesn’t make it
in time for her death?

my girls play the wii
squealing with best friend’s pained joy
parents’ illness wins

and yet they smile
dress up in formal attire
perfect for their game

living life scares me
as i list all my boyfriends
kindergarten up

ask him to recall
if he searched for love like me
or found it at home

he cannot answer
too consumed by coming grief
losing his mother

they will play all night
and go vacation their dreams
never knowing loss

that is what i want
no search for school boyfriends
just love at home. LOVE.

Memorialize Him

because he came in
and wrote with us a class poem
when we were thirteen

because he’s your dad
forget the swallowed disease
because he made you

for twenty-eight years
your mom gave her life to him
because she loved him

because demons live
even if we wished they’d die
that is why, that’s why

because he deserves
what a father, husband should
he’s not forgotten

because you found him
in your heart, you always knew
that you would find him

the mother of three
raised at home with two parents
he was one of them

because of our youth
the car, recording our voice
and all the journals

he’s in every one
saw through demons to love you
because he loved you

you are my best friend
and he made you, he made you
that is why, that’s why

The Other Side of Sorrow

before dawn alarm
lesson planning just can’t wait
always on my mind

six a.m. invite
curly-haired house of welcome
piano and grins

inside the lead walls?
plea for more books, print, copy
teach the world’s kids

order sympathy
on an unsigned card of hate
my heart sees flowers

psychologist’s help
ends with failing soccer star
begs for a grade change

policies can’t write
or change the screaming patient
that closes my day

teary, manly hugs
from those arms that ask for more
doctors don’t listen

at dark i drive home
day wholly spent on others
to hear more sad news

such is adult life
no more hide and seek for me
everything exposed

but how their eyes light
as they share their days’ stories
must. remember. JOY

Big Brother Wins

It’s time to say goodbye. I tried editing. Removing posts. I started with the word drink as my post searcher.

Twenty-eight posts. (I might mention that I have 1,058 posts, the rest of which do not contain this word, but would it matter?)

During my search, I read about the beauty of my girls on a glorious Sunday. Of parties I’d had a great time at. Of weekend joy and love. Of coworkers having a moment of happiness after work.

And, gasp, about that awful thing that almost everyone I know does after work, but I’m not allowed to do since I’m a teacher.

This is one of the most frightening novels I’ve ever read. It bothered me so much when I read it, but even more now. I feel I share this room with Winston:

For some reason the telescreen in the living-room was in an unusual position. Instead of being placed, as was normal, in the end wall, where it could command the whole room, it was in the longer wall, opposite the window. To one side of it there was a shallow alcove in which Winston was now sitting, and which, when the flats were built, had probably been intended to hold bookshelves. By sitting in the alcove, and keeping well back, Winston was able to remain outside the range of the telescreen, so far as sight went. He could be heard, of course, but so long as he stayed in his present position he could not be seen. It was partly the unusual geography of the room that had suggested to him the thing that he was now about to do. (1.1.12)

I sit here now in my living room in Cartagena, Spain. I have spent the greater part of two weeks sharpening my résumé, rewriting my cover letter, and completing online applications so that I can bring my family home.

They are counting on me. Trusting me. Just as they did a year ago when I told them we were coming here.

I cannot let this writing, soul-fed, heartbreaking, ever-too-honest writing, keep me from providing for my family.

And so, just as Winston faced his biggest fear of rats, took his sip of ever-bitter gin and ended the novel with, “I love Big Brother,” I am going to have to concede.

Big Brother wins. I am taking down my blog. And with it, so many pieces of my heart that it will never beat quite the same again.

Cancellations

Mythili is eight. She’s named after an amazing woman who speaks three languages with the fluency of a native speaker, two of which my Mythili will never know.

I came home a bit early tonight. My oldest, Isabella, named after my sister, walked the eight blocks necessary to meet me after tutoring so we could find her some semi-leather boots that match mine. Isabella is almost ten. She can just about fit into half of my clothes and has a much keener sense of fashion than me. I don’t know how I’d shop without her.

I was home early tonight because my life revolves around cancellations. Cancel the job I’ve loved and lived for for seven years. Cancel the program for which I sacrificed everything. Cancel my private English tutoring sessions on a weekly basis, because for you it is a bonus, a brief education. For me? Just another cancellation of my semi-automatic life.

Time is money. I say this now because cancellations can be golden.

These are the words I heard tonight, as Mythili voluntarily read books to her baby sister:

“Mama, did you realize the Statue of Liberty was built in 1826?” (Isabella)

(Mythili from other room): “1886, I read 1886!”

(Me, in same moment, recalling the specific childhood memory: 1986. Age eight. Trip planned to New York City for grand celebration of one hundredth anniversary [July 4, 1986] of said statue. Mother and father holding my hands in their hands to break to me: “We’re going to have to cancel this trip. Your surgery is scheduled for that week.”)

“Isabella, it was 1886.”

Riona, the Irish queen, as diplomatic as her regal name: “Mythili, where are those boats going?”

“They’re trying to get the best view of the statue. Remember this summer, at Jimmy’s house, we were on the mainland? But then we took the boat from one island to another to get the best view? Remember, Riona? They built the statue on an island.” (She refers to our summer trip, my cousin Jimmy’s house in New Jersey, the pain of my most recent Spanish cancellation so painfully present that the Staten Island free ferry was the only possible way to see Lady Liberty).

This is why we are here. In five years, they will read about the Romans. They will say, “Remember when we went to the Roman theatre in Cartagena?”

They will study Druids. “Remember when we visited Stonehenge?”

They will chew paella. “Remember the gambas?

They will be these small children, grown so grand, their life filled with cancellations. They will remember their parents’ hands on theirs, age eight. How they loved and hated Spain. How they cried, laughed, lived.

They will remember.

The Reality of What It Is

Someone is cyber-stalking me.

I wish I could brag that I’ve been getting a lot of hits on my blog, but I’m not stupid. I’ve had this thing long enough to know the reality of what it is.

The reality of what it is: a release. A pounding of pen twenty-first-century style, my mighty words fighting the demons in my heart, the everyday worries that bog us all down and yet we are afraid to admit, the essence of who I am.

The reality of what it is: a few followers, five or so hits on an average day, and enough likes to perk up my early mornings and late nights, my tired eyes that never seem too tired to read or write.

So when my numbers spike for a day or five, I know something’s up. Someone is trying to find something out about me, something undefinable. I read back over the poems and I think of those moments when they were written, and the words singe with emotion, ache with the longing I felt then, anger over mistreatment, the loss, the desire… more than anything, I look back over my words and I know just exactly what, why, or who I was writing about on that day, even if the emotive distance between then and now has faded.

The words bring me back. They remind me of why I wrote them down. Why I can read over them now and feel the rainbow of emotions that courses through every human’s veins but so few are able to wholly recognize without the God-like touch of art that graces our presence on this Earth.

Someone is cyber-stalking me. Trying to discover what I was really thinking that day on Arapahoe Road. Who those shards of glass were cut for. Why they weren’t on the Brownie List. How I could see beauty in an animal jumping over a fence, a piece of chocolate, or a monosyllabic word.

But the reality of what it is: they will never know my words as intimately as I do. And isn’t that what writing, what art, is all about?

Failing

Here I am again. Nit picking away. Is this a sign of the times, a symbol of my year in Spain, or just another hassle like everything else?

I still haven’t been paid of course. It’s been three months. Not to mention the six months of hell and paperwork and thousands of dollars spent prior to that.

I just need to vent tonight. Bruce and I have spent ten hours today combing through all three girls’ hair, and my own, and finding more lice and nits than you could ever imagine. Add that to the laundry that we’re barely catching up on due to winter weather conditions, no dryer, and a north facing apartment. In fact, we can’t even run our washer and another appliance at the same time without the power going out. Truth is, we cannot run ANY two appliances without the power going out. Who came up with this back-asswards system, where the electric bill costs 150€ a month yet doesn’t consistently PROVIDE ELECTRICITY? I know I’m not the only one with this problem. I’ve heard others discuss similar problems, and on our travels we also ran into electrical snafus.

Add that to the serious lack of WiFi on the Iberian Peninsula, and I’m about done. The Internet rarely works well anywhere. We pay an exorbitant amount of money for ADSL and a phone with a data plan, and it’s designed for someone who doesn’t seem to actually USE it. Bruce tried to PAY for more megabytes today, and the web site locked him out!

The schools… I’ve complained a bit, but let me add on. My middle child has a gift. Not all of us are born with it, but out of my entire household, she is the one who truly has the gift of language. She has picked up more Castellano than the rest of us combined. Yet, the day before Christmas break, she came home with a report card with a failing grade in science, the equivalent to a D in Lengua Castellano, and a D in art (have I mentioned that she’s an artist and actually plans to make a career out of this?)? Her report card came with a note stating that she was pulled out for support for science and lengua. Upon further review (her interpretation), she is pulled out of class for those subjects, then put back in the classes (that she has then missed!) to take the exams, which are of course all rote memorization of facts. Not only that, but I didn’t receive any communication from the school, prior to the report card at the end of the term, either about the support classes or her FAILING.

I could pinpoint many reasons why this country is failing. But I think I’ll stick with lack of lice checks/healthcare, high bills that cover nothing, and schools that overlook gifts for rote memorization of facts, leading to a country filled with people who cannot provide basic services such as electricity, WiFi, or a paycheck.

My Muse

he tells me about the Muse
the one she spoke of
all those years back–
hippie of the nineties

she comes to me
just as he described
like a demon
moving my words into place

even on this small screen
just like the tiny notebooks
i used to carry place to place
she is as furious as ever

i spill my Stonehenge story
like blood dripping from my nose
that can’t be stopped without
a giant glass of water

my irking for a different take
on this simple life we’re all handed
can be summarized by that summer
when spoiled teens stole my Stonehenge

my muse comes in disguise
in lips belonging to me to her
and her words my words
are as genuine as at sixteen

he speaks of demons
we all carry them like shadows
in our back pockets
me? i let them out

This Video Game World

twelve classrooms a week
chaos read top to bottom
i just want to teach

offer renewal
before you even pay me
you think I’d come back?

violence overflows
excited mouths of young boys
and you wonder why

who will my girls find
in this video game world
boys forever boys

our culture reaches
the heart of Spain synchs its beat
yet bites without teeth

Be Obscure. Clearly

my six a.m. voice
travels across our heart line
you always speak truth

i wait for her words
though i know they’ll never come
my childhood relived

how I’ve ached for this
flash of your love from a dream
you my new ideal

hidden in moments
these cryptic windows of life
they’ll never find us