It Never Gets Easier

to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?

let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:

back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering

second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents

baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard

oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff

garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell

let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday

Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)

to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood

Halloween Hell Party

Janis Joplin hair
might as well accept it’s mine
Happy Halloween

drive to edge of earth
that’s how far money stretches
there’s never enough

space, bedrooms, hardwood
three people and all their shit
spread suburban sloth

walkability
on a scale of one to ten?
tractor crossing sign

there is no number
to measure my distaste here
size shouldn’t matter

Americans Dream
big, better phallic boasting
in the shape of homes

American Dream:
be Janis Joplin–different
don’t let it kill you

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Soul Searching

not a single soul
in this forty-person room
has guts to speak truth

sadly, nor do i
phone in hand, blog post ready
[i can’t lose her now]

you see, i’ve lost her
and the darkness in my heart?
no match on this Earth

so i won’t speak truth
i’ll sugar-coat it, smile, nod:
age brings clarity

in that clarity
drink-free, sunny fall Sunday
i die to tell all

in her card, later
she’ll see every word and cry
for all that’s lost, gained

she couldn’t find words
only pics, video, songs
everything for him

i still feel empty
she texts me later, heart burned
you’re the only one…

even her husband
didn’t know who her dad was
[i’ve known her longer]

after the speeches
seeing her, baby in arms?
the love. of my life.

she is my best friend
her loss is my loss, our loss
never hers alone

bubbles in the sky
blown from his loving, warm lips
i live her longing

not a single soul
who speaks, making him perfect
will dare speak the truth

will i dare speak it?
a shadow follows her life
dark, drinking daddy

Bytes of My Day

two chances to prove
that i deserve to be here
fall, winter, fierce fear

two chances plagued twice
year before? a standard test
today? dead Internet

set up my failure
as Google Classroom crashes
tearing me to bytes

i wish she loved them
as fully as i love them
instead? i strike out

after school, i walk
to get six-day car hostage
and then i see them:

top down, sun shining
classic MG sports car grins
this October day

yes, my mechanics
can charge whatever they want
cruise streets in fixed cars

we’ll be right over
hood open, my car broken
and i’m the failure?

daughter calls: tire flat.
sun, why dost thou forsake me
shining so damn bright?

my car stays hostage
we’ll walk into tomorrow
blindsided by fall

(i’ll dream of driving
of summers off, beach tours
of all that bytes me)

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Give, and You Shall Receive

list of excuses
ribboned present presented
mail-ready, pre-sent

in the hands of god
swirling death surrounding me
don’t want to hear it

how do i work through
stress, grief, everyday mountains,
but you’re not able?

i see days through tears
gather up my girls in hugs
can’t you find your joy?

peace comes with jobs done
satisfaction of success
unwrap your conscience

Citations

poorly-worded goal
provided by school district
let’s confuse students

find main idea,
three facts, underlying themes
cite text evidence

even in haiku
i clarify what they can’t
why are they in charge?

come home to harsh truths:
charter school rules, union blues
paradox, my life

my new objective:
theme that saves main idea
minus the details

(life is a challenge
of unplugged net books, low pay;
cite love to survive)

Choir Practice

with stressed frustration
my mother’s voice comes through mine
i’m a child again

only now? my girl
is the brunt of my anger
yet she bounces back

resilience through love
something i was missing then
my mom aches to fix

life’s a big regret
played out in haunted voices
singing us to sleep

Dark Spotlight

once my side of town
now the other side of death
my heart aches for you

white clown suit darkness
metaphor for life we live
hidden in darkness

how he played guitar
for my beautiful best friend
for my soul sister

i am a true friend
because my love never stops
my love never stops

it starts with the truth
the truth of that death moment
when you were reborn

when i cried for you
you hate to cry publicly
even for our love

spotlight on darkness
as bright as mansions’ windows
or September rain

either way, we love
living for the dark secrets
while god drives us home

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Carnival Carol

start and end with work
how ungodly my Sunday
blessings everywhere

painted face friends grin
i enjoy two thirds of joy
my kids everywhere

from Iraq, Burma
Eritrea, refugees
whose faces aren’t here

i guide them with words
never as harsh as a mom
because they’ve suffered

my girls? only joy
bestowed on Americans
with rich white privilege

no way to explain
my work-fair-filled church-less day
may God bless us all

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Chef’s Special

world of escape
found with taste of native tongue
were they even trapped?

you demand rigor
i serve it up, fully cooked
and yet, i get baked

i prefer full bites
not watered-down salt swallows
burnt ineptitude

i’d make an omelette
or black brownies you’ve turned down
but why waste the taste?

full on tongue, this love
so salt-sweet you’d live for it
as i do for them

but, let’s have plain eggs.
brownies too dark for breakfast?
how fast you break me

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