estoy de goma
rubber burning insides out
what was i thinking?
stress toasted with fun
drinks in hand, trick-or-treating
but i got tricked
my worst hangover
while baby cuddled me warm
pajamas all day
will i ever learn
that joy is in their faces
not in this poison?
cold reality
when we hide behind costumes
and drink to tell truths
data-driven dread
tops off day of smooth lessons
i forgive google
yes, you once plagued me
with your aversion to Word
but can i blame you?
Bill Gates rules the world
you won’t share your piece of it
that i do admire
though Sergei, my love?
have you ever herded cats?
aka, taught school?
next time, please warn me
throw Microsoft to the wind
but take me with you
Miss, why should i read?
Movies are so much better.
You see everything.
But what you can’t see
is the imagination
that invents the world.
Without reading books
who’d have written your movies,
given light to life?
fast-paced agreement
from Arabic-spewing mom–
he sighs, won’t give in
not five minutes pass
toothless, frumpy, loving mom
begs me to help her
why does her girl fail?
is it because of the shots
she saw as a child?
or her tent life,
her journey across the sea?
but what can we do
but cry out to God
and ask him to help us live?
then i remember
yes–a book i read
Wait–were you in Kakuma?
Yes–for nineteen years
tears swallow my throat
harrowing Lost Boy story
chronic refugee
sitting before me
(brutal book’s truth seeping in)
hope swallows her whole
i wish i could share
the beauty behind pages
that connect us all
if i could show him
the open-eyed life of words
oh, how he could fly!
ironic night ends
with her heart-wrenching handshake
pages of my book
to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?
let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:
back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering
second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents
baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard
oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff
garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell
let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday
Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)
to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood
quick change in season
cold rain to soak this Monday
and finally bring fall
baby’s first camp nights
like a babe, slept the whole drive
to nest in my arms
Come summer, you’ll go?
Of course, Mama, I can’t wait!
so soon she’ll be gone
but now? trucks and dolls
bedtime cuddles she demands
innocence still ours
can i trap her face
her infectious giggling?
always my baby
Janis Joplin hair
might as well accept it’s mine
Happy Halloween
drive to edge of earth
that’s how far money stretches
there’s never enough
space, bedrooms, hardwood
three people and all their shit
spread suburban sloth
walkability
on a scale of one to ten?
tractor crossing sign
there is no number
to measure my distaste here
size shouldn’t matter
Americans Dream
big, better phallic boasting
in the shape of homes
American Dream:
be Janis Joplin–different
don’t let it kill you
an hour of work
but i am no hairdresser
falls loose too quickly
parents up above
glass ceiling meant for spying
friends hear her grievance
she flashes the look
exasperated with me
behind glass, i wave
when this is over
will i have the nice photo
or preteen ‘tude chant?
on the way to camp
my little ones’ voices sang
loving farewell chant
why can’t she stay young
choose camp over awkward dance
to throw her mom looks?
why can’t we stay young
choose love over wanton youth
and just be ourselves?
an evening wasted
vocab i learned in high school
three more days of hell
not a single soul
in this forty-person room
has guts to speak truth
sadly, nor do i
phone in hand, blog post ready
[i can’t lose her now]
you see, i’ve lost her
and the darkness in my heart?
no match on this Earth
so i won’t speak truth
i’ll sugar-coat it, smile, nod:
age brings clarity
in that clarity
drink-free, sunny fall Sunday
i die to tell all
in her card, later
she’ll see every word and cry
for all that’s lost, gained
she couldn’t find words
only pics, video, songs
everything for him
i still feel empty
she texts me later, heart burned
you’re the only one…
even her husband
didn’t know who her dad was
[i’ve known her longer]
after the speeches
seeing her, baby in arms?
the love. of my life.
she is my best friend
her loss is my loss, our loss
never hers alone
bubbles in the sky
blown from his loving, warm lips
i live her longing
not a single soul
who speaks, making him perfect
will dare speak the truth
will i dare speak it?
a shadow follows her life
dark, drinking daddy
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