One

no one has called me that name in years.
i mix it with yesterday’s late-night confessions,
the pain that seeps beyond the Holocaust
through the Word Shaker’s mouth,
and the simplest thank you
that is worth to me a million
(dollars i can do without)

there is no irony in the song
that popped up first on my playlist
one
moment that i took to pick up a flyer,
to choose a school,
(i’m familiar with these small decisions)
to go to that meeting,
to start a troop,
to be here in this moment
more than the last.
one
day more than i had before
one
chance to be
the person i am meant to be

i find it all here.
i find you all here–
peppered streams of light
flickering in and out
of the history of me,
everything coming together
to make
one

Spain Haiku

anticipation
disturbs every thought in mind
waiting for our fate

The Colors of My Morning

spotlighted white half circle
against a blanket of navy blue,
shadowy mountains sheathed in pink,
golden streams pouring over bridge,
cotton candy clouds of violet,
calming gray threads stitched into
budding green quilt-work pastures,
deep-set pools of brown nestled
in five heads of beige curiosity.
the moon rests, the sun rises
to the colors of my morning

A Million Times More

the emotions are so intense
when the right song is played
when my girls say the right words

i cannot fathom my life without them
they sit under green blanket
as i write this
my oldest inflecting as needed
the words she learned years ago to read

my middle girl?
the best combination
of crone and imaginative maiden
fantasy worlds mixed with logic

and the baby?
idealism at its best
all the things we’ve dreamed of
wrapped up in a five-year-old’s summary

i cannot fathom
my life
without these girls
(i’ve said it before
i’ve named a poem
i’ll say it a million times more)

If I Were to Make You Mine

i know you had it in you this morning,
the urge to pull me close,
to wrap me in your warmth.
i know it was there between each of us.
could i have spared more time?
could i have cut back
on the hills hovering before me?

sometimes i wonder about the miles
that lie between here and there:
how tightly knit they appear,
how curvacious and beautiful they can be

and if i were to make you mine,
would i have seen the shrinking moon,
would i have made all the green lights
that graciously gave me my record time?
would i have been the same person,
giving in to one moment over another?

these small decisions
made before dawn
are the ones that haunt us in the end

Easter Haiku

red stain on carpet
failed transmission, table lost
Easter with friends: win

Golden Dream

a three thousand pound weight,
sacks of gold too heavy to lift.
if i could fill them with feathers
and build myself a pair of wings?
i would fly right into the sky
and release myself from monetary need

instead i face a financial dilemma–
drop the gold i can’t quite carry
into the gaping hole of a beast
who will swallow it whole and us too,
leaving behind nothing but wisps
lighter than feathers, unable to fly?

or hold fast to a dream that flies
into every moment of my sleeping wake,
forget the beasts that bear down on me,
and throw my sacks of gold into the sea
as i fly my way to a tomorrow that
i have waited for years to belong to me?

No One but Me

i have less than five minutes
i promised i would write
and there’s no way
to put in five minutes
the twenty-three wind-torn miles
the moonset once again
(but this time it was all. mine.)
because no one in his right mind
would strap a saddle bag
filled with lunch, clothes, a laptop,
and enough brownies to
make fifteen teachers’ day
onto the side of a bike
and ride straight into a headwind
no one but me

I Couldn’t Begin to Describe

she is crying again
he asks why and only i know
those are my tears on her face
i smile outwardly
it’s amazing how outwardly i smile
on nights like this?
these are the nights
when i wonder
if i will ever get over this

her request is so simple
it is five-year-old simple
please don’t go to work mama
it is all i have ever asked
and all i have ever known
all warped in the same twisted
conundrum

without him i would lose myself
(she says another story)
and i cannot commiserate
because
without
him
i
would
lose
myself

i couldn’t begin to describe
i couldn’t begin to describe
the person i met
(i was just a baby)
who i knew i would marry
i couldn’t begin to describe
the fortune sent by God himself
(he would hate that i include Him)
at age nineteen
i couldn’t begin to describe
the man i married

you would never understand
you could never understand
and just like i tell my
nine-year-old daughter
don’t marry anyone who is
not as good as him
–and what if i don’t find
someone as good as him

(God how she’s my daughter)
then don’t get married
(insert tears)
OK Mama
i couldn’t begin to describe
just
the
person
you
will
never
see

Electrified Files

outspoken as always
he asks why i smile
she loves watching us work,
his classmate chimes in
(all teachers live for torture)

he has caught me in a moment
(one of many on this first day back)
where my available memory sits
on the forefront of my monitor
(the smile will never be far
from lips that can’t hide happiness)

(i will never tell him
i will tell almost no one)
the images i tuck in electrified files
at the base of my hard drive
ready to upload
a screensaver’s pleasure
at the smiling touch of a keyboard