like a hunter in hiding,
you pounce perfectly
as I try to escape
you think you’ve caught me,
but your trap doesn’t dig–
my ankle is free for running
I offer you a portion,
a tiny morsel to munch,
but you are not a master huntsman.
you will only see me
as the prey you trapped too late,
the remainder of the meal left on the table.
blood working its way
into every capillary,
fingertips unable to stop
trepidatious air-tapping,
her outlandish words,
my lividity alive
as you walk in
to this simmered-down
moment of fraudulent calm
i stand without words
as you disappear
reappear
and place the thick slip
of her punishment before me
she will walk away,
saunter down the hallway,
continue on with
her outspoken life,
forgetting everything
before she swallows her lunch
but i will hear
only your whispered version
of the truth
the subtle (yet so obvious) gesture
and your strength
slipped in on carbon copied paper
that i can borrow for one day.
as i move from room to room
always on my feet
i search for subtle differences
my mind tries to meet.
it isn’t quite the set-up
though your structure runs deep
but the small shift in tone
that close to heart i keep.
you see them for their strength
quick as their fragility
and ask that they participate
to the best of their ability.
negativity precedes her movements
though like you she’s here each day
i can’t capture the momentum lost
or the level of my dismay.
if i could stay in one place all day
i would surely choose your room
for all is lost when i enter the hall
and accept my daily dose of doom.
you want a set of different words
more complex than
the one i offer.
you may have a string
of compliments sitting pretty
on the poster they made for you,
but strangers’ mouths
could never put forth
what i see every day.
i wish i could wipe the words
you imagine i might say
right out of your mind.
our exchange is a hushed whisper
in this semi-dark classroom;
there is no space, no time
to envelop the elegance of thought
you put forth in everything
that you do for them,
that you ask them to do for you.
good may not be the response
you walked across the school to hear;
but just as i cannot define its significance
in the midst of the chaos i face
every time i leave your classroom,
i cannot define the perfect peace,
the depth of knowledge,
or the admiralty of your daily lessons
with any word, or words,
that would be adequate.
here they are,
a pink epiphany
of what we could have been
as you stand curiously
reading my poems.
how funny that you see
and don’t see me
in the same moment.
i mark their papers,
her papers,
in green felt pen.
she will thank me later
with her dry wit,
her handing over of lessons,
her listening to my ideas.
you give me the check
(less than last year)
and wobble your hips,
your smile plastered on lips.
i nod,
my own lips (for once) sealed.
because everything,
the papers,
the poems on the counter,
the music you and i both love
playing quietly on the computer,
you in your room,
i in theirs,
everything is in its place,
and there are no words
that can describe my gratitude
as you pass through the door.
if you could see my day
for an actual day
(never just ten minutes)
ribbons of confusion
would dance across your eyes
(your feet might dance too)
you would see how it moves
from smooth and easy
(perfection at its best)
to a conglomerate of
chaotic preteen desire
mixed with teacherly sarcasm
you would see them
for who they really are
(see me for who I really am)
and you would know
you would actually know
when what I say is right.
but
i will accept your
harried commentary
(we are all harried)
if you can accept
a compliment that
everyone knows
everyone, everyone knows
(the one thing they hate to know)
is the truth.
they are amazing
amazing amazing
and some day
(if you could see my day,
my actual day)
you, too, will know this.
i knew what i had
held within my hands
(held right before my eyes)
in perfect amazement
how perfectly you
mesmerized them (me)
now i stand to the side
awkward and disappointed
holding back tears
as i ache for what we had together
(what your light shined
upon me, upon them)
she will never know this.
only you and i could
possibly understand
the perfect harmony
held within our hands
that they (we) will
have to live without.
i will swallow my remorse
as i (accidentally) open and close
this door, shutting out (shutting in)
the last of what was left.
you smile politely, in your moment
of meeting them for the first time
(it is no longer our moment)
and as i enter the chaotic world
i have chosen, i can only guess
where my stupidity will lead me next.
you and I, we are the volcano that
forms the igneous rock of our earth.
you may think this volcanic eruption
produces nothing but destruction.
but then why are the highest valued
properties (our glorious creations)
always at the foot of a volcano,
closest to peaceful, pristine beaches?
the perfect combination of hot magma
and cool sea breezes (you and I)
creates nothing less than the fertile
soil that brings forth magnificence.
even as we separate (as the lava blackens),
we can look back at the hibiscus flowers,
the banyan trees, the plants you’ll see nowhere else,
and know our creations will always connect us.
I could have skipped this
but then I would have missed
the sunrise glistening
like a sparkling curtain,
opening today’s show
(carried by wind that
pushes against me, a
wall I will fight now
for the pat on the back
later today)
I could have skipped this
but then I would have missed
the absences she’s had,
the plight of the struggling student
who so demurely
will not ask for help
(but will accept the
help I offer her)
I could have skipped this
but then I would have missed
the smiles on their faces
as they took turns riding
the scooter round and round,
the perfect homemade ice cream
dripping happiness from their chins,
(the memory that I created
with a spontaneous choice)
I could have skipped this
but then I would have missed
the chance to make
a lesson that will enlighten
them, make each of us stronger,
and create the collaboration
that guides them to the
success every student deserves.
I could have skipped this…
but then I would have missed
the life that I have chosen
because I didn’t skip this.
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