Before You Can Blink

Just like us, twenty-one years back, they were walking their two dogs. The sun was ready to set, and their dogs would plop down on their laps later, ready for a rest. They were grinning in the golden light of the first day of fall, so young and beautiful.

She wore a black t-shirt that accentuated her bulging belly, he a ball cap and a matching shirt. No worries on a Saturday night. Just get the dogs home, put the baby-in-the-belly to bed, watch a flick, go to sleep.

But they had to gawk at me. Crane their necks for the scene I was making.

“Just ONE PIC!!”

I was begging; pleading.

No, it didn’t matter that they’d rushed through the fancy meal I’d spent hours preparing. That their friend was late and didn’t even have a bite. That the remnants of the Minnesota Wild Rice stew were spilled across the kitchen. That their friends were already in the park taking sunset pics.

That this is the last Homecoming.

And goddamn it, I needed JUST ONE PIC.

My baby girl, her friend since sixth grade, her friend since ninth grade, her other friends waiting at the park.

Just. One.

Because this is my last Homecoming.

I looked over at the expecting couple, turning the corner but still craning their necks as I squatted down, iPhone on pulse mode, trying to capture the snark, the impatience, the beauty.

“Oh… you’ll be me before you can blink,” I shouted, and they laughed and laughed and laughed as they walked down the block, not knowing how hard those coming months, years, moments would be. How they’d be begging for one picture, one moment with their baby, their child, their… young adult.

How quickly these sunset moments flash before our eyes.

Before you can blink, they are gone.

My Baby

interrupting me
while i’m teaching them English
is just what i need

Paint By Heart

only my youngest 
would agree to overalls
shared with her Mama
our shared high school life
is about to come to terms
with empty nest blues

Emptying Nest

the cat is so cute
stretching herself on futon
in new spare bedroom
tries to fill heartache 
for our four-bedroom dream house
emptying our nest

Silver Anniversary Trip, Day Thirteen

this Funchal art walk
makes me miss my young artists
at home without us
yet we must adjust
with the empty nest so close
i can feel its grip
this trip is a test
to see what “just us” feels like—
we’re on sold ground

Silver Anniversary Trip, Day Four

he finally sees
his HMS Victory
in her dry dock bed
how victorious 
twenty-five years we’ve waited
to take this long trip
always toting kids
or visiting our family
never alone time
the fish and chips speak 
whispers of a turquoise sea
beckoning us: more

Ten to One

ten gallons of paint
in two shades of first-place blue

nine sets of hands working
on their shared day off

eight sets of curtains
washed and re-hung

seven stairs on each level
to paint between the cracks

six day deadline to
start a vacation, a new life

five day miracles happen
with many hands making light work

four levels to scrub grime
from walls, baseboards, and floors

three gallons of cleaner
to rub our hands raw

two levels of pet-pee-stained carpet
replaced at an affordable rate

one hell of a victory
for the life we work so hard to achieve

Second Baby, First Home

Notice to Quit

Form JDF-97. That is what I researched and printed, ready to post on the door today. The door of the house my husband and I bought at the ripe old age of 23, thank you Air Force and VA loan. Thank you for giving us this house that somehow sits under a dark cloud since we bought it, with every fixer-upper problem that ever existed, from an ever-flooding main drain to an ever-flooding basement to hail damage as thick and broken as my heart right now.

The house my second child was born in. The only house my children knew until we packed up everything and moved to Spain eleven years ago.

The house with the huge and expensive yard.

The house with the lilac bushes and the playground clubhouse.

The house with the two-car garage, the covered patio, the jetted tub.

The house Bruce thought we’d live in till we died, his Tennesseean tendencies so hard to break down.

It’s so hard to break down, this life, this shattered siding we “invested” in, this roof we’ve replaced once, this dumpster full of junk that isn’t ours, this tire swing that’s still there.

In my Subaru, sitting across the street with my youngest daughter and her forever friend, I had the “Notice to Quit” form next to me in the passenger seat; she had the tape; I had their phone numbers.

Instead, I took this picture. I saw them throwing things into the dumpster and loading things into the truck and never noticing us. I saw my life walk in and out, in and out of the empty garage, the giant spruce next door, the giant ash still growing in our backyard.

And I couldn’t get out of the car. I couldn’t confront the man with the arsenal of guns, the daughter and her girlfriend who’d lived there for years though she wasn’t on the lease, the broken siding, the unanswered insurance calls, the probably-leaking roof, the definitely-flooding basement we scraped everything together to finish… the loss.

The loss that is so profound when you quit. When someone gives you a Notice to Quit, the first step in the eviction process. The Life Eviction that is my second child moving out, barely 18, still that baby born in this room of THIS HOUSE, and wanting to live there now instead of living with us.

Look how proud we were, holding that baby in that tiny garden-level bedroom, Izzy just a bit apprehensive about her loss of “I’m the center-of-the-world status”, us in our twenties, in our home, our home, our home…

Her home.

There was no Notice to Quit. I didn’t get out of the car. Made a phone call instead. Quietly pleaded for the keys, the vacancy, the lease to end.

If you didn’t notice, I almost never quit.

And neither will she.

Scene Seven from a Marriage