i have hidden from you my family
(the largest portion of myself)
in a (dream-filled) hot air balloon
we will travel the world,
place our feet on
never-before-seen soil,
and you will never place the real me

so many dark hours
this screen has lit my life,
my only guiding light
to a hope i lost months back
when i fed words
(fits and fits of words in two languages)
tears ever-present
words you scrupulously screen

i speak, type, pound them out to you now,
my global disconnection bleeding
through a web of wish-wash weariness
as you question my connection,
my commitment to a job you won’t quite offer

don’t you see the white light
that brought me to your screen?
oceans cannot compare
to the depths of loss i carry
heavy inside my belly,
the greatest weight (wait)
i’ve ever known

you don’t see my now-teary-eyed girls
all these months later
just realizing the loss they’ll face–
you just see my face,
stolid for you, eager, ravenous,
so i may feed them,
feed myself on a dream
i just cannot let fade to darkness