Tears and Joy

doctored up lies
 shot into their arms
 while i hold dirty pamphlets–
 tears and angst spill to the floor,
 betrayed on all fronts
 
 a McDonalds stop is all it takes
 to win second breakfast
 and semi-forgiveness
 (all before the sun breaks noon)
 
 there is no holiday,
 no sleeping in or forgetting that
 tomorrow brings a slew of
 ungrateful teens
 
 just errands, yard work,
 sweeping leaves to
 mid-February winds
 that have just now offered
 a day without snowcover
 
 children who need beds
 that i’ll never afford,
 a makeup piano lesson
 to forgive forgetfulness–
 never, never a break
 
 (until that lesson offers,
 in waning winter sun,
 a circle i make
 around the soft mud trail
 of my youth, found in this park)
 
 and my girls clean the bathroom,
 set the table, chime in,
 prepare the house for grandparents
 and early birthday joy
 
 because even on a Monday
 (holiday or not)
 family is what wakes us at dawn,
 brings tears to the floor,
 and makes our walks worth walking
 
 

Plea Bargain

quit or try harder?
 plague of my life sits waiting
 under setting sun
 
 my daughters beg me
 for a morning to see them
 (no more predawn work)
 
 i try exercise
 to beg love for the body
 that i lost for them
 
 i give up dairy
 and drinking; saying bad things;
 but it’s not enough
 
 time swallowed by plans
 i will never quite finish
 (and ungraded work)
 
 i beg clarity
 from my second (lost) language,
 for tongue-trapped escape
 
 but it’s not enough
 to find that pivotal time
 lost in the shuffle
 
 i beg forgiveness
 from the self i promised me
 twenty years ago
 
 i hope i find it
 hidden in filtered sun rays
 that trickle through time
 
 

Snow Holiday

these holiday gifts
in the form of flakes falling
make winter perfect

snow: what’s not to love?
silent city renewal–
few cars venture out

walking on a cloud
block after frosting-white block
to share tea, croissant

a break to catch up
on work, good books, coloring;
everything we need

and yes, a snowgirl
to add to our female fam
carrot nose and all

these “holiday” joys
gifts from some heavenly realm
make life worthwhile

January Flurries

scheduling request
 based on lawsuits they have lost
 adds work to my plate
 
 there’s no equity
 for teachers, kids, or parents
 trying to get by
 
 so i’ll wake early
 make gradebooks for fake classes
 and do twice the work
 
 i just want to know:
 who has time to litigate
 with kids in their life?
 
 questions unanswered
 to close a winter Monday
 just sprinkled with sun
 
 
 
 

Stolen

thievery on kids
 with granted Christmas wishes:
 a new kind of low
 
 scooter happiness
 snatched from public library
 while books stole our hearts
 
 between this and puke
 and sis stuck in Kentucky
 (in snow of all things)
 
 this week weighs heavy
 for this mom, sister, teacher
 (no end to winter)
 
 but the sun was high
 and we’re rich with two jobs now
 (solved our scooter blues)
 
 and we have love here
 stolen from youth to old age
 given to these girls
 
 

She Comes… I Stay

burst from these dark days
 of post-holiday winter
 news to change a life
 
 (or ten thousand lives)
 cause that’s how many she’ll touch
 in her tenure here
 
 this comes full circle
 (the young-mother sacrifice,
 the risky Spain year)
 
 to work with passion
 to be led with compassion
 to love, love my school
 
 it’s all i’ve wanted
 thirteen years waiting for strength
 to be my leader

Extraction

i’d like to break free
 like our DNA pea lab
 (alcohol release)
 
 they questioned this choice
 (this isn’t science class, Miss!) yet their eyes were bright
 
 bright eyes keep me sane
 when dark thoughts hover so close
 to this extraction
 
 they see where love is
 hidden in cells’ nuclei
 ready to break free
 
 
 
 
 

MLK Thaw

walk for forgiveness
 for the fight for lost causes
 (that we still fight for)
 
 by some miracle
 this day is always balmy
 as we make our way
 
 scooters–a new trick
 to have me chase after them
 instead of dragged feet
 
 the mix of colors
 between sky, humanity
 carries this bright wave
 
 we walk for peace, love
 so we’ll always remember
 what not to forget
 
 we walk ’cause we can
 because peace comes in small steps
 found in winter warmth
 
 

Retakes

three times last week lost
 but i gave it one last try
 and he finally came
 
 this after new kids
 weren’t told their schedules had changed
 disrupting my class
 
 this after failed quiz
 that took half the class to start
 on crap computers
 
 after failed logins
 on no less than five machines
 forced copies, time lost
 
 after failed group work
 (new eval requirement
 that i’ll never pass)
 
 and pointless meeting
 number one hundred fifteen
 (equal to school days).
 
 but… he came to lunch.
 he redid, and passed, his quiz.
 so this day is won.
 
 

Thoughts During Testing, Phase 1

half hour per kid
400 students to test:
nightmare formula

expectations lost
on those who make test money
(never worked with kids)

if they’d see our day
they’d cut this mindless bullshit
down to what’s needed

but they don’t know needs
they know only dollar signs
and we’re left to blame