Seasonal Affect Disorder

testing never ends
 we March April into May
 snow, sleet, hail… and hell
 
 
 

The Splits

mental gymnastics:
 ten more minutes with kitty
 and soft pink sunrise?
 
 or rally for work
 with no soft fur or soft pink
 to stretch out my day?
 
 stretching’s a challenge
 when the world can be dark
 with soft beginnings
 

Parenthood Is…

a strip club of sorts
 sprawled across a tile floor
 waiting for a buck
 
 

Beginnings

The day began before it began. With the kitty who looked so cute under the drawer of my bed, so I reluctantly allowed her to stay. For which she thanked me with an in-your-face purring bonanza at 1:29 a.m. And with scratching the door and releasing a desperate meow two hours later (after I’d thrown her out).
 
 Sleepy-eyed and somewhat grumpy, I headed to school for the third week of a testing schedule that permits zero plan time two days a week, nearly-two-hour classes, and not enough computers to go around. The library became the epicenter for all misfits in the school who had nowhere else to go during the tests, and where one measly cart of books was to serve all three of my classes as the upper library, with ALL nonfiction books, was closed for testing. Instead we had a stockpile of books about countries in Europe. My refugees, doing research on their homelands, were at a loss. They looked about as perplexed as me when I thought about the last time European refugees were flooding American schools; in neither of our lifetimes, for sure. Sigh.
 
 By some miracle, a computer cart opened up at lunch, but half the computers were dead by then, and none of them would print. My students were knee-deep in research and trying to figure out how to indent, space, or title a piece on Google Classroom, the tech guy came to try to literally unlock the printing queue of ONE COMPUTER AT A TIME, and then a girl showed me this:
 


It was about twenty minutes before the last bell. This could have made me angry. Or frustrated for the fiftieth time. But just like her smiling face, all I could do was laugh. And get my camera.
 
 The inequity began before it began. I worked in a rich school district before. With MacBooks. IPads. Books for every student. Now? Crappy Dells that won’t log in, hold a charge, or print to the singular printer available in the ENTIRE SCHOOL. Books all my classes have to share. That I have to request a grant to buy every year.
 
 It’s laughable. It’s laughable how we spend our days, fighting these uphill battles with kids and pets and society. We lose sleep over our children, their children, our children’s children (case in point: kitty). And yet we still get through. We have fuzzy screens and crazy cats and rushes out the door to ice skating and kids who argue about chores and brushing their teeth and tightening their laces and won’t go to bed and when they finally do?
 
 “Mama? Can you wake me up early, just me, so I can have time with just you tomorrow?”
 
 I don’t tell her I was planning to come in early to make up for my lack of planning time today. That I’m behind… That I’ll always be behind.
 
 Because behind every moment of being behind, there is a cat’s silhouette in the morning window. A curious face peeking out of laundry. A beautiful sunset waiting to be written about. A child’s voice asking for love.
 
 My love for them began before it began. Before they were mine. I was theirs. Every last waking minute. The good, the bad… The blurry.
 
 

At the Bottom of this Pool

in mineral baths
 i mock a tropical life
 (yet i’m still so cold)
 
 the snow drives us home
 a lion-like March exit
 to freeze my failure
 
 nothing can replace
 all the hours without them
 now bathed with worse score
 
 

Branching Out

Spanglish park play date
 joy found amongst las ramas
 friend language rooted
 
 (questionable choice–
 my student’s family, my girls–
 here we cross borders)
 
 

No Matter How Hard

the teacher’s spring break:
 finishing apathy’s work
 with my daughters’ hands
 

The Gut Tells All

 my colleague had
 Teacher Tequila Tuesday.
 i ran three miles, carpooled kids,
 cooked vegan chili and cornbread,
 gathered girls from play date,
 showered, did our taxes,
 spoke in Spanish por teléfono,
 and never slurred a word.
 
 he may be Mr. Popularity.
 but i win this Tuesday.
 
 

Presenting…

strangely beautiful
 test schedule, extra plan time
 caught up just this once
 
 late winter snow falls
 reminding us spring still waits
 to come into bloom
 
 small Thursday presents
 give presence to renewed need
 to win tomorrow
 
 
 

An Earful

to have someone listen
 with eyes and words offered in peace
 and make promises you know she’ll keep
 and coo at cute colleagues’ babies
 and smile behind tears we all so often hide…
 
 it makes a Monday bearable,
 a coffeehouse tea taste smooth and soothing,
 a repressed voice feel fulfilled for the first time in years,
 and a view into the future shine bright with silver linings