beliefs

Fuel

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i should have so much to say tonight
i should be writing poems left and right
i should be bleeding out all the pain
as we place ourselves upon a plane

my words were lost in early morning
my dream lost to another mourning
you’re going to Spain! they shout at me
as if these four words could set me free

i lost that freedom’s choice months ago
when they transformed their yes to a no
i want to shout upon the rooftop
the dream i had that they couldn’t stop

instead i listen to today’s muse
my fire out, in search of a fuse
one that will light up all my desires
and fuel my courage when faced with fires

Small Shadows

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on the hill of our last hike,
in sweet drinks at one last happy hour,
their voices and eyes are glazed with joy

somehow they haven’t seen
the hurt hovering around every corner,
their small shadows ghosts to
the darkness they’re blind to

i watch them climb Boulder’s boulders,
skip through the sprayground,
stand fearlessly at trail’s edge,
the steep mountain no match for their courage

if you could gather up their joy,
swallow it with angel’s rays
that stream through Colorado clouds,
if you could see the light they always see

then you’d know–
you’d let their small shadows stomp out
the hurt that hovers,
you’d be free, full of life,
ready to shake up the world.

Homonyms of Hope

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i have hidden from you my family
(the largest portion of myself)
in a (dream-filled) hot air balloon
we will travel the world,
place our feet on
never-before-seen soil,
and you will never place the real me

so many dark hours
this screen has lit my life,
my only guiding light
to a hope i lost months back
when i fed words
(fits and fits of words in two languages)
tears ever-present
words you scrupulously screen

i speak, type, pound them out to you now,
my global disconnection bleeding
through a web of wish-wash weariness
as you question my connection,
my commitment to a job you won’t quite offer

don’t you see the white light
that brought me to your screen?
oceans cannot compare
to the depths of loss i carry
heavy inside my belly,
the greatest weight (wait)
i’ve ever known

you don’t see my now-teary-eyed girls
all these months later
just realizing the loss they’ll face–
you just see my face,
stolid for you, eager, ravenous,
so i may feed them,
feed myself on a dream
i just cannot let fade to darkness

Denver to Cartagena

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it hits me when
i can’t shorten the syllables of this day
like ants along a honey line
cars creep along the dam
shadows immersed in lake sparkle
the afternoon of childhood

sun sets over a new sign
the Chipotle that began on Colfax
Time Magazine didn’t mention the street name
the longest running artery
the heart of my city
only the important facts
(a fast food all-natural revolution)

the reporter didn’t taste
sour whipped cream in a failing
Dolly Madison
nor did he see the long line of lights
run from plains to foothills
bright like a glowing snake
from atop of Lookout Mountain

he isn’t from the city i love
the city i’ll soon leave behind
for a penniless carless Cartagena
where we will walk
until Spain burns blisters in our blood
and remember the blue and orange sunset
the mountain framed skyline
the artery that bled a new generation of love

Baptism

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river revival
birthday boy building beliefs
on strength from within

Our Visa Miracle

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clouds, mountains, lake, sun
a beach day like no other
WE’RE GOING TO SPAIN!!!!

image

One Day I’ll Be Back

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you hate my haikus
you want the real me in verse
uncensored for you

If You Were Me

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if you were me,
tears and doubt would be so common
you’d learn to silently cry,
to wipe away moisture
while putting puzzle pieces together
with your five-year-old,
to catch that knot in your throat
before it bubbles into a balloon
of anguished sobs

if you were me,
you would be more than
an overly-confident status update
who brags about cycling down the interstate
for a late-night gas emergency,
who flippantly adds an impossible dream
to the brutal reality of all
that you must carry
on your already heavily-laden shoulders

if you were me,
you would see the reality
behind your words,
you would know how utterly small
you stand beneath decisions
that press against your soul
and tear you apart from the inside out

if you were me,
you might want to be
(just for one moment)
the safe-secure-satisfied working mom
who would never do this to her family

but then…
you wouldn’t be me.
i wouldn’t be me.
and what kind of truth
would we both face
if we met, you and i,
and we were not ourselves?

Brooklyn

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he says it is a woman
but i know it is New York
if he had its blood burned
into his childhood
he would understand
just as my girls
who argue with him
about the name of the song
and count exit signs
along the interstate
we will be there soon
we will be there soon

we will walk across that bridge
and enter a new dimension
of the city we all know
as we close our eyes
and dream a new version of life
just like my great-grandfather
(the one i never knew)
who pulled my frail and tiny
great-grandmother across the sea
and saw the glorious light
of the Empire State
he will see
they will see
(when we walk across that bridge)
just how beautiful
a new life can be

Acceptance

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message of love lost
beneath judgmental hatred
my girls will see love