i’d like to break free
like our DNA pea lab
(alcohol release)
they questioned this choice
(this isn’t science class, Miss!) yet their eyes were bright
bright eyes keep me sane
when dark thoughts hover so close
to this extraction
they see where love is
hidden in cells’ nuclei
ready to break free
choices
How Now?
how loud his voice is
when i hear it soberly
no numbness to mask
how aching my head
just shy of three weeks without
sugar going… gone
how did i get here?
the truth is too hard to bear
seen with my new eyes
how will i go on?
pounding head, clean liver, hope
for a better life
MLK Thaw
walk for forgiveness
for the fight for lost causes
(that we still fight for)
by some miracle
this day is always balmy
as we make our way
scooters–a new trick
to have me chase after them
instead of dragged feet
the mix of colors
between sky, humanity
carries this bright wave
we walk for peace, love
so we’ll always remember
what not to forget
we walk ’cause we can
because peace comes in small steps
found in winter warmth
Retakes
three times last week lost
but i gave it one last try
and he finally came
this after new kids
weren’t told their schedules had changed
disrupting my class
this after failed quiz
that took half the class to start
on crap computers
after failed logins
on no less than five machines
forced copies, time lost
after failed group work
(new eval requirement
that i’ll never pass)
and pointless meeting
number one hundred fifteen
(equal to school days).
but… he came to lunch.
he redid, and passed, his quiz.
so this day is won.
Always a Top Ten
reasons why i stopped:
one–brutal voice in writing,
uncensored anger
two–not much laughter,
too much crying to count
(my tear stained regrets)
three–exhausted sleep
from too many restless nights
swimming in nightmares
four–so much good lost
on the desire to numb,
to not fully live
five–waste of money
in times when we had little,
in times when we’re rich
six–lust and lack of
mediocre love-making
blurred by consumption
seven–fat belly
of someone too far along
to give up this quick
eight–every bad choice
i have made as an adult
came from that bottle
nine–joy i once felt
disappeared on icy rocks
of my lost chances
ten–my daughters’ eyes
watching every move i make
(and i’m making… them)
Spread It
this is just to say
the children can eat vegan
and cheer, not complain
small victories won
(cashews, beans, taco flavor)
to top our Tuesday
Thoughts During Spanish Class
another long night
(i’d never lecture this long)
yet my kids judge me
i teach how i learn:
modeling, demonstration,
then application
i plan; over plan
think things through with them in mind
everything for them
yet it doesn’t work
i’ve somehow lost touch with them
and–worse–with myself
i miss the old me
so confident, outspoken
not worried for loss
now i question all:
which kid hates me most, and why?
will i keep my job?
but the worst is dark:
why can’t i be nicer… loved?
why can’t i smile?
i’ll go on, of course–
house bought, girls in school, trap set–
but at what cost? loss?
A Tinge of Color
the long walk to school
(meant to calm dreaded return)
backsplashed by moonlight
it lit my trapped way
to judgment i can’t escape
via teenage angst
then came home to lies.
sometimes life is like a cell:
the beginning, the end
yet, there is escape
small moments of truth and love
backsplashed by sunrise
Reorganizing
back from mountain views
what that means: laundry, cleaning
organizing life
car vacuumed and wiped
every last load put away
while girls made snow forts
(i know… they should work
i should hover over them
like a copter mom)
but they’ll forget dirt
recall bricks of snow with friends
(happy childhood)
i’ll take on the dirt
if only for one Sunday
(reorganized life)
Every Day of 2016
the New Year looms near
only two resolutions:
make friends with sis; write.
Step Write Up 