Endlessly

with golden eyelashes he sleeps
after telling the Martian story
to which only Mythili would listen
black and dark makeup-less beauty
that none of us can understand,
the one who said three months back
that she’s most like me
(all i thought of were the endlessly
imaginative doll stories, and how i hated
dolls) only to realize that
my most responsible proactive middle child
had me pegged

and how can i sum up an August Friday?
it would begin with carrying
an ever-bending begonia
through three hallways
and six sets of stairs
my endlessly flamboyant classroom colleague
holding the admin parking door open
to ask
why are women so needy?
is this why i don’t like them?

before the sun has even completely
emerged from Colorado clouds

it would end with pumpkin pie
burning up my no-a/c house
and my baby’s hands weaving
bits of crust
over her apple pie dream
as expertly as she did at age three
when Thanksgiving meant more to me
than any other holiday

in the middle, with my middle child?
school posters and schedule nightmares,
the signage of every teacher,
where i walk into that school
and every capillary in my body
is pumping blood for students
i haven’t even met

a meeting, a speech that makes me
want to hug my enemy
and wish that last year
could have been mine
ours
and the end-of-day email
blasting me
in ALL CAPS
for putting my students first
even if HE WOULDN’T

Mythili, Mythili, Mythili
who was born a writer like me
a crone before her time
whose head turned towards me on day two
how could i not know
after the
twin-in-looks-forever-defiant-Izzy
and
shy-as-a-cactus-in-December Riona
how could i not see myself in her?

the pie is in the oven
and 24 people will populate
the space between an 1864 ditch
and the playground of my youth
before i can even blink
my baby has turned 8

and we will have pie.
apple. lattice top composed
by nothing-like-me Riona.
pumpkin. requested by
my twin, Mythili.
whipped cream. to spray
in mouth of endlessly-flamboyant Isabella.

tomorrow? we will party in the park,
forget that there’s no cake.
or that schedules aren’t students.
and remember how much,
how painfully much,
we love each other.

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A Gift, a Heartbreak

a gift, to turn eight
the loving card, matching clothes
doll’s, girl’s paradise

with double pancakes
and grandmother surprises
she lights up the world

adventure downtown
homemade pizza by Daddy
she spoils us all

heartbreak, to turn eight
that many years past my last
my baby, always

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Life’s a Rented Dream

silver blades cut grass
mad dash for registration
test Ukrainian

new face with bright smile
knows his English isn’t great
how will he survive?

miracle trunk packed
in temporary dream car
life’s a rented dream

reservation lost
we take his lucky number
campsite without view

girls venture for joy
find una buena vista
wood-filled arms return

though we lack lake view
the mountaintop appeases 
so rocky, this life

that makes our Friday
mow, pack, register, test, camp
obligations, loves

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Challenge

over basketball
we come clean with our spent day
he out shoots me; wins

meandering drives:
his through streets, mine through planning;
family meets career

girls sing their way home
in Spain, street dinners would start
here? hollow, dark paths

i’m trapped here for now
because i love kids too much
equal, theirs and mine

over drinks divulged
the story of single life
that he saved me from

penniless in months
i’ll press my lips against his
and let love beat all

better than harsh words
or baseball abandonment
why i married him

we will survive this
as hard as the year in Spain
that i so long for

Joy Among Us

a flat starts the day
with a little pump, i ride
hills, mountains: progress

web site down, ends work
why not take the dry cleaning?
dead car battery

bored girls seek street friends
they’re at camp, then tutoring
where is their summer?

then, a text invite:
pool party, later denied
(for members only)

embarrassed, we leave
without the key to rich friends
our small house fills up

this after cold talk
screaming drive, snatching pillow
the girls unaware

of how i haiku
remnants of a hollow day
door shut, him sleeping

but before closed doors?
they street-danced on rollerblades
still making the best

i close itchy eyes
view the world through young faces
all i see is joy

Covered

because i have lost it
the reader within me
the writer within me
kept silent by society
as i walk carrying
dripping wet shitty diaper
across creaky floors
and dog barks waking baby
and 7-year-old tears up
because i threw away the tooth chip
that she spit out of her mouth
after she fell off broken branch
and my oldest begs to watch
while the dishes fill the sink
and the cousin dazes under allergy meds
and the person i used to be?

she is the road through the forest
captured on a Tennessee run
while we run from Tennessee
while i run from Tennessee
tree-covered tunnel
going nowhere

because i have lost it somewhere
along that empty road
covered, covered, covered in leaves
how they block the woman i could be
the mother i could be
the view into a new tomorrow
that’s just around the corner
that i can’t quite see

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Big Brother Wins

It’s time to say goodbye. I tried editing. Removing posts. I started with the word drink as my post searcher.

Twenty-eight posts. (I might mention that I have 1,058 posts, the rest of which do not contain this word, but would it matter?)

During my search, I read about the beauty of my girls on a glorious Sunday. Of parties I’d had a great time at. Of weekend joy and love. Of coworkers having a moment of happiness after work.

And, gasp, about that awful thing that almost everyone I know does after work, but I’m not allowed to do since I’m a teacher.

This is one of the most frightening novels I’ve ever read. It bothered me so much when I read it, but even more now. I feel I share this room with Winston:

For some reason the telescreen in the living-room was in an unusual position. Instead of being placed, as was normal, in the end wall, where it could command the whole room, it was in the longer wall, opposite the window. To one side of it there was a shallow alcove in which Winston was now sitting, and which, when the flats were built, had probably been intended to hold bookshelves. By sitting in the alcove, and keeping well back, Winston was able to remain outside the range of the telescreen, so far as sight went. He could be heard, of course, but so long as he stayed in his present position he could not be seen. It was partly the unusual geography of the room that had suggested to him the thing that he was now about to do. (1.1.12)

I sit here now in my living room in Cartagena, Spain. I have spent the greater part of two weeks sharpening my résumé, rewriting my cover letter, and completing online applications so that I can bring my family home.

They are counting on me. Trusting me. Just as they did a year ago when I told them we were coming here.

I cannot let this writing, soul-fed, heartbreaking, ever-too-honest writing, keep me from providing for my family.

And so, just as Winston faced his biggest fear of rats, took his sip of ever-bitter gin and ended the novel with, “I love Big Brother,” I am going to have to concede.

Big Brother wins. I am taking down my blog. And with it, so many pieces of my heart that it will never beat quite the same again.

When I Come Home

windy uphill ride
ended with teddy bear warmth
symbol of our life

Cancellations

Mythili is eight. She’s named after an amazing woman who speaks three languages with the fluency of a native speaker, two of which my Mythili will never know.

I came home a bit early tonight. My oldest, Isabella, named after my sister, walked the eight blocks necessary to meet me after tutoring so we could find her some semi-leather boots that match mine. Isabella is almost ten. She can just about fit into half of my clothes and has a much keener sense of fashion than me. I don’t know how I’d shop without her.

I was home early tonight because my life revolves around cancellations. Cancel the job I’ve loved and lived for for seven years. Cancel the program for which I sacrificed everything. Cancel my private English tutoring sessions on a weekly basis, because for you it is a bonus, a brief education. For me? Just another cancellation of my semi-automatic life.

Time is money. I say this now because cancellations can be golden.

These are the words I heard tonight, as Mythili voluntarily read books to her baby sister:

“Mama, did you realize the Statue of Liberty was built in 1826?” (Isabella)

(Mythili from other room): “1886, I read 1886!”

(Me, in same moment, recalling the specific childhood memory: 1986. Age eight. Trip planned to New York City for grand celebration of one hundredth anniversary [July 4, 1986] of said statue. Mother and father holding my hands in their hands to break to me: “We’re going to have to cancel this trip. Your surgery is scheduled for that week.”)

“Isabella, it was 1886.”

Riona, the Irish queen, as diplomatic as her regal name: “Mythili, where are those boats going?”

“They’re trying to get the best view of the statue. Remember this summer, at Jimmy’s house, we were on the mainland? But then we took the boat from one island to another to get the best view? Remember, Riona? They built the statue on an island.” (She refers to our summer trip, my cousin Jimmy’s house in New Jersey, the pain of my most recent Spanish cancellation so painfully present that the Staten Island free ferry was the only possible way to see Lady Liberty).

This is why we are here. In five years, they will read about the Romans. They will say, “Remember when we went to the Roman theatre in Cartagena?”

They will study Druids. “Remember when we visited Stonehenge?”

They will chew paella. “Remember the gambas?

They will be these small children, grown so grand, their life filled with cancellations. They will remember their parents’ hands on theirs, age eight. How they loved and hated Spain. How they cried, laughed, lived.

They will remember.

Mountaintop

no pictures today
just a mental memory
we piqued on the peak