the aches and fevers
mid-week stay-with-me stresses
medicine won’t work
she came in a dream
all better (never better)
if only the truth
i hate trapped secrets
the solid weight of her truth
worth liquefying
they have stopped asking
bless the sick season for that
(she’ll be sick for life)
losing a baby,
making candy memories,
alcoholism:
all life sentences
that never bring forth the dream
that they’d imagined
pitiful attempt
to show the world justice
ditching the walkout
after school, they beg
for classwork i can’t explain
in four short minutes
but the ones who stayed
sit, work with me for hours
tackling learning
one interrupts us
asking where the food bank is
to feed his family
i’m taken aback
a perfect student, born here
why is he hungry?
then, the Taliban:
lost her mother in Iran
falling off a horse
social injustice
propels their failed walkout day
served up after school
a dish to take home
a harder bite to swallow
as schools save us all
Friday afternoon
lights fall to meet autumn nights
but you are not here
knowing, my heart aches
secrecy’s not my style
but brutal truth hurts
i’d take back the words
but they’re lost in confession
forgiven, lost, here
just as you should be
beside me with hugs in hand
building my haiku
instead she shows me
engraved Jack Daniels bottle
twenty-one years out
i tell her i’ll cry
and write her a poem later
about that bottle
never in his mouth
infancy or twenty-one
may he rest in peace
you and i would cry
after she left us drinking
but you’re not here, friend
the way the world works
i won’t have you beside me
twenty-one years out
i learned there’s no guilt
like the guilt of motherhood
my Tuesday lesson
tossing and turning
don’t turn remorse into gold
they make me feel old
whispers in the hall
worse than when i was in school
oh wait–i’m here. school.
we mock others’ pain
forgetting our own swallows
mixed up with sorrows
three deaths, intervention
wrap up semester’s longing
for life, a new life
we all want sunsets
bright red-circle memories
to bring back our youth
then we’d be in school
that captive institution
we couldn’t flee from
my Tuesday lesson:
mouth shut, sunsets disappear
mouth open, truth shines
post-holiday blues
hit harshly with shocking news
life is bought… and used
i want to reach her
change winter into summer
make her heart stronger
instead i break words
exchange lies for the absurd
to still what they’d heard
it is a mistake
the asked-for silence i break
lies i cannot take
they’ll still question me
my face burning by degrees
bring me to my knees
have i lost a friend?
or would this have been her end?
demons she will tend
on the other side
of the shadow where she hides
i’m still on her side
so many years back
you sat behind me in math
and offered friendship
now my girls grumble
dress-ups and smiles now gone
where are my children?
i want them to live
to love like each day’s their last
will they forgive me?
i’m not eleven
though i remember too well
that ache from within
when nothing quite fits
but the soul you’re searching for
that you just can’t find
i want the smile
the go-with-me-anywhere
girls who i once had
i guess they’re gone now
lost in electronic maze
hearts closed to new friends
she looks just like you
it’s what i hear every day
just do the math, friend
she’s nothing like me
more brazen and justified
not like you and i
for oppressed women
suicide is the answer
to questioned love
jury’s our last hope
but freedom doesn’t ring here
let’s chime a new bell
with the sweet timber
of metallic liturgy
that brought us this dream
afternoon ruined
by fits, girl drama, hot tears
door slams all around
revised plans depress
the youngest, innocent one
my couch cuddler
how red her eyes were
to think her sister was gone
how she loves us all
the mountains must wait
for a happier moment
free from prep tantrums
there is no freedom
from parent complexity
there is only hope
an afternoon saved
by the Pearl Street critters
that bring back our youth
Friday before break
in the land of exciting
reading on the couch
his war words haunt me
how slow and painful, peace
yet so undeadly
happy hour laughs
and three bickering daughters
wish they were babies
this sums my Friday
balance between love and war
lord let us find peace
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