Break the Silence

night still and windless
 quakeless aspen leaves above
 as you make me quake
 

Summer Wash

just in time for me:
 home visits and meetings done–
 rain, clean out this heat!
 
 let summer begin
 with a fresh layer of green,
 a rushing river
 
 an evening walk
 through gardens and mysteries,
 a dream awakened
 
 

Behind the Curtain

We drive across the city and knock on doors, purple head to toe, hands full of purple pens and folders, t-shirts, and backpacks. Salespeople for the newcomers.

But we are not sales associates. We are teachers spending time on these hot June days sitting in traffic, making phone calls, driving from witnessing a midday drug bust (line of cops, tow truck, handcuffs and all), to a mansion in Cherry Hills that overlooks a forested bike path.

You can see in one day, in one drive, in one singular city, the rainbow of humanity. Rundown yards and barking dogs. Old Victorians in disrepair with living rooms that function as bedrooms, only a thin curtain separating them from the parlor. Perfect little ranches in questionably safe neighborhoods, slicked down and swept up for our visit. Fathers chain smoking and playing violent video games in a government-run housing project, shouting at us out the window before coming to the door, “What do you want?” and then letting us in anyway, telling us the struggles of how to afford a bus pass, a camera for the photography class for his daughter, of being an autistic para who was just attacked by his student last week (proud to show the bruise below his eye) as we sit in the dark room with shabby furniture and not a single painting on the wall.

“Can we get a livable wage for people who are taking care of the hardest kids?” my colleague says to me as we drive away.

And Muslims. Our last visit on this Friday afternoon. Another housing project steps from the violence that hovers outside. We walk three floors up and timidly knock on the door.

One of my students answers (her brother will be attending the school this fall–the reason for our visit), and I barely recognize her without her headscarf. We enter the tiny apartment where an Asian romance is playing on TV with Spanish subtitles, where her mother sits on the floor of the kitchen with bits of meat and spices and vegetables surrounding her in various arrays of order as she prepares the evening meal, the kitchen with no counter to speak of and no table.

We settle into the two sofas and ask about the brother while the youngest boy sneaks his grin around the corner. My student rushes into the other room and emerges with her scarf on, then asks us if we’d like a drink.

“Oh no, of course not, we’ll just be here a minute.”

“No. You will have a drink.” She disappears into the kitchen for fifteen minutes and we hear water boiling, popcorn popping. In bewilderment we look at the cheesy program on the TV and wonder where the remote is, worried that they will spend the entire summer watching Spanish-only TV and not learn any English.

The baby brother dives behind the sofa for the remote when we express our concern. We flip through and realize only one channel is in Spanish. Relieved, my girl comes in with an ornate wooden tray and perfectly polished porcelain coffee set. She pulls a pillow from the line of pillows along the wall and settles in to prepare the Ethiopian coffee. First she lays down a plastic mat, then pours in way too much sugar, adds milk and uses the brown clay pitcher to pour the espresso into the tiny cups which she places before us on the circular coffee table.

Finally her brother comes home and we pepper him with questions about high school, many of which he doesn’t quite understand. We use our break-down-the-language skills to get our point across, and my girl insists we have another cup of the glorious, smooth, sweet liquid. The heat rises up out of the air and blows in the window and the coffee is as hot as all of Africa, and better than any cup I’ve ever tasted (and I don’t drink coffee).

And this is the only house we’ve been to with a Muslim family. And this is the only house we’ve been to with this kind of reception.

They don’t even have a table. They came to this country with nothing but the shirts on their backs and probably this coffee set. They barely know us. And they treat us as honored guests.

And you can’t see this or be a part of this, in this post or in the heat of that thirty minutes, without opening your mind a little. Just pull back the curtain of your hatred, of your bigotry. Tip the tiny cup into your open lips. Swirl the creamy mixture of milk and sugar and bottomed-out coffee grains and look at that grin on her face.

You will find yourself here. You will find yourself there. In the sweet taste on your tongue, the bright hope in her eyes, the kindness that only comes from love.

Just pull back the curtain. You will see a whole new world, one without hate.

A Few of My 57 Curriculum Training Haikus

8:15
 summer holidays:
 curriculum training hell
 for texts i won’t teach
 
 8:25
 at least we get paid
 for wasted time this Monday
 (planning my vacay)
 
 9:00
 psycho white girl texts
 with teen serial killers:
 way to start the year.
 
 9:13
 unit one: three essays?
 complex texts, presentations…
 for kids who don’t read
 
 10:02
 college and career:
 key words to pressure teachers
 to make miracles.
 
 10:48
 standards-based rulers
 measure how inadequate
 their understanding is
 
 11:21
 what the fuck is this?
 we’re making popcorn today?
 kernels are for birds
 
 11:35
 connect to their lives
 teen rebellion feeds us all
 and sucks life from us
 
 11:42
 i’ll catch you some notes:
 a real, low-level class–
 let’s try a scaffold
 
 11:49
 these questions lack hope
 for virtually all our kids
 we’re adding rigor?
 
 11:53
 curriculum rocks
 when i write it for my kids
 so why am i here?
 
 12:47
 can we read the texts,
 plan together with our teams,
 stop mindless bullshit?
 
 1:42
 anchor my thoughts, please:
 texts are not relatable
 to kids in my class
 
 2:24 (Heinz 57)
 i’m making ketchup
 though it sure as fuck needs spice
 just like this training

Just a Touch

 summer sky in soft shades of blue,
 saying good night to another dream house day,
 my oldest baking brownies in the kitchen
 (running out for recipe updates)
 all tucked behind the shallow breeze
 tickling the quaking aspen leaves
 
 and it’s so temporarily beautiful,
 this sky, this evening summer vacay moment,
 i want to trap it here in this lens,
 in this heart,
 in this life,
 and wrap my arms around
 the subtle hint of pink clouds
 before they disappear
 
 

Loan Forgiveness

day started with angst:
 with backtalk and attitude
 lost in a battle
 
 midday mellowing
 came with a surprise measure
 of all my hard work
 
 by evening? they won.
 their debts forgiven–for friends,
 summer, being kids.
 
 

Keepsake

they’ve asked to return
 every year on the same date
 hoping for magic
 
 (it’s found in sunsets,
 impossible mountain views
 we don’t have at home)
 
 i would give them gold
 that rests at mountain bases
 if i had god’s touch
 
 i’d throw in rainbows,
 the best birth town visit yet,
 Colorado love
 
 we could come back here–
 try to capture this bright view–
 or keep it with us
 
 Always.
 
 

 
 

Stress Wash

all is washed away
 with silhouettes over sand
 in a summer storm

Pity Party

Another year is over, and it ends with a tinge of the same sinking feeling that every year begins with. The constant question all teachers ask themselves as they tackle this challenging career: Is this worth it?

Sometimes it is just a small thing that can make you sad or frustrated or feeling burned out. A student who didn’t come back to make up the final he blew off. An administrator who wouldn’t renew a colleague’s contract. A message from admin that our keys, checkout form, rooms, and us, are all being carefully micro-managed. (We can be trusted to instill knowledge and take charge over 150 students in a year, but god forbid we leave without being checked to ensure we followed through and cleaned out our damn desks).

But for me this year, after three years of teaching at the same school, it is the hollow disappointment of not having any real friends where I work.

While the thought crosses my mind off and on throughout the year as colleagues gather together for happy hours that I cannot attend because of childcare needs, or weekend parties or outings where a group of all the people I work most closely with have all attended and I only see the event posted on Facebook (not invited myself), today, on the last day of the year, the smallest event brought me to tears.

I had just heated up my lunch and was sitting alone in the office. A colleague came in and asked me to watch a student who was taking a test in the next room because she was going out to lunch. And while she offered to get me something while she was out, since I’d already brought my lunch, I said I’d be fine to eat in the classroom with the student.

But when I walked into the hall, it hit me: There they all were, in their too-cool-for-high-school clique, purses in hand, chatting and giggling their way to their outing together.

They had already made plans.

I sat alone with the student and then graded her final, texting her teacher that she was done (a text–one of several in the past few months, including accolades toward him and gratitude for one thing or another–he did not respond to).

I brought the test up to the assessment coordinator and went back down to my lonely, empty classroom, and cried.

Because this job is hard enough. Because I fight every day for these kids just like they do. Because I try to reach out to them, invite them to things, and get outright blacklisted. Because I don’t know why I’ve been blacklisted–is it because I have an opinion? Because I’m a “cynic”? Because I don’t fit into their mold of single and alcoholic?

Because it would be nice to have a friend, even a singular friend, who could support me in this constant battle that is teacherhood.

Because it’s the end of the year, and I won’t see or hear from any of them all summer, and … I guess it doesn’t matter.

At my former school, I had so many great colleagues. We ate lunch together every day and laughed so hard that someone literally started choking once and another teacher had to perform the Heimlich to save him. We’d go to happy hour, occasionally, or children’s events, occasionally, or parties. A couple of them I would get together with during the summer, just for kicks, because we were FRIENDS.

And on days like this, when there were no students? There wasn’t a soul in the building who stayed inside eating lunch alone. We’d gather in groups, ride together to a local restaurant to have lunch, and see the rest of the crew there anyway, and we’d make a giant table and laugh until we cried.

And I knew that going to Spain was going to change all that and that I wouldn’t be going back there.

But, three years in, on the last day of school, it just. Fucking. Hurts.

So this is how my year ends. With a pity party.

Looking forward to a summer with my family, a real party with my actual friends this weekend, and a break from this place. God knows I need one.

Weekend Kingdom

Just before we left the mountains after the long weekend, the girls were asking their father to borrow his pocket knife so that they could carve their names into a tree trunk.

“We need to leave our mark!”

“We’re getting in the car in five minutes. You had all weekend to do that. Not now.”

They had all weekend to explore. To see where the nonexistent paths might take them. They found bottles that drunk former campers had left behind and found pleasure shattering them against boulders. They climbed over fallen tree trunks in an attempt to get to the next outlook or outhouse. They discovered several carcasses and took pieces in their hands to pretend to roast, brush the teeth of, or assign names to. They built and destroyed campfires, each claiming a stick and making rainbow sparklers dance across the sky. They set up their own tent and fought over who had the best pad, the warmest sleeping bag, the most comfortable spot. They made charcoal paint from ashen logs and drew on paper plates, clothes… themselves. They picked up giant pieces of bark and an abandoned rope, making an old-fashioned telephone “show” as they handed the “receiver” back and forth for hours on end, chatting about extended metaphors and checking current schedules for fire-fixing availability. They disappeared for hours on end, hiking several miles, discovering miniature ponds in large boulders, old cables that worked as trampolines, views of distant peeks… and … themselves.

They couldn’t carve their names into the trunks of trees because they were already leaving a piece of themselves behind. In a world surrounded by screens and studying and neat city blocks with perfect yards and friendly neighbors, they released themselves into nature as all children should. They giggled with their friends and had free reign over their weekend kingdom.

As we made our way down the dusty dirt road onto the smooth pavement that curved its snakelike yellow line out of the canyon, I was thinking about the pieces of all of us that are scattered behind us wherever we go. In their own way, my girls left their imprint on that mountain, with eighteen sets of shoe prints, a forgotten wisp of paper towel, a broken branch. But more importantly, the mountain left a piece of itself in us. The panicked drive up with nauseous travelers and no sites in sight. The scratches and ripped pants from too many falls and rough rocks. The charcoaled face paint. The layers of dirt and pine needles and campfire stench unwashable by the best of the best machines.

The memory of a weekend free of chores, free of homework, free of nagging, free of screens, free of strict diets, free…

Free.

In the end, Daddy didn’t give them the knife. Instead they piled in the Pilot, all seven of them, taking their new “telephone” to carry on their stories for the drive home. They pointed to peeks they’d topped on their independently-led hikes. They commented on how strangely smooth the pavement felt once we finally arrived to it. They napped near the end, fully exhausted from running a kingdom all weekend.

Even without a pocketknife, they left their names on that mountain. They carved them into the curve of the road that wrapped itself around our site. Into the bits of clouds that only barely covered the sun. Into the memory of every mountain, of every happy childhood that begins and ends with a bit of royalty, a bit of owning all your choices if even for a day.

A bit of freedom. It’s the best way to run a kingdom.