strength

Getaway. Get. Away.

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

as we leave, she tells us goodbye till Thanksgiving,
and as always i can’t tell if it’s a guilt trip or a plea.

soon there will be no Thanksgivings.
it will be just us, moved across continents and back,
moved across town and back,
only to remain while they go.

and i pile it on my weekend,
probably our last getaway without grandparents in town,
so perfectly shaped by a Colorado sky,
so tainted by the loss in every flip
as social media stings me again.

before i walk down the steps,
i remind her of Mythili’s birthday,
our dinner reservations before Thanksgiving.

but it’s another night of tears for me knowing that they’re leaving,
they’re really leaving,
and soon all the birthdays and holidays will be just us,
just us,
and i feel the vacancy already,
the gaps once filled by friends
who’ve left us one by one,
and the greatest gap of all
lying in wait,
a storm fit to burst,
a cat poised to pounce,
a weekend ready to be ruined.

and i stopped drinking this year
and lost eight pounds
and didn’t write a single mean post
about my sister, mother, or anyone,
and it’s been ten months,
so why why why
am i surrounded by sadness?

i drive home and can’t dry the tears long enough to read with my youngest,

have only enough in me to enforce showers and teeth brushing

and folding one load of laundry,

and i want so badly to be more than the world only to him,

and i think how fiercely i latched onto him at age nineteen, knowing
even then,
even then that no one would love me that much the whole world over,

and to this day, even with that love in every step of my soul,

rejection. still. hurts.

and this is how our getaway ends:
with the waterfall that never stops.
and the road that never ends.

Disentrapment

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

trapped all day:
 sickness crept in before dawn,
 stole our mountain hike
 
 vacation research
 occupied my time and mind
 till she felt better
 
 then, on to pumpkins!
 (Halloween looms behind scars
 we cut year by year)
 
 and scout redemption:
 we glued on our troop numbers
 to make this dream true
 

Technically a Winner

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

Girl Scout turnaround
 after a friend-connect run:
 silver linings shine
 
 computer genius
 who should be making big bucks
 for knowing the most
 
 (at least i won him
 to save me from tech nightmares
 that plague my career)
 
 Saturday wins week
 (dipped in sorrow and regret)
 proving that hope wins
 
 

The Silver Linings of Emptiness

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

haunted by nightmares
 was how this morning began:
 insomniac’s fate
 
 but then he woke me
 with the love he always has
 (embedded in lust)
 
 and then a work day–
 every basket now empty
 (this school year’s first time)
 
 and a lunch offer
 out in the sun and crowd free
 where hope lies waiting
 
 tonight? i’ll sleep well
 praying for a fresh new day
 of this teacher life
 
 

Unhappy Hour

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

It is a long and teary hug at happy hour
 Between friends who share life’s moments–
 The cold and the hot, the dark and the light–
 And you can see it all in their bright faces
 When they pull apart from each other.
 
 So here i am in the dark corner, watching,
 The outside of the table jabbing my ribs,
 My drink taken away before i’d finished,
 My mouth dry and with no one to talk to
 And feeling quite like a girl at a middle school dance.
 
 And after everything that i have built up
 In the past twenty years–my marriage,
 My career, my traveling, my three young girls–
 I haven’t built up a friendship that would
 Ever offer me such a hug.
 
 The loneliness clings to the edges of my days
 As my girls begin to find their place in the world,
 Spending all afternoon up the street, online,
 Arranging one social event or read fest after another,
 Needing me less and less.
 
 And that is why this happy hour stings my soul
 As clusters share their weekend party plans,
 Their impending wedding reception,
 Their last escapade at the dancing dive bar…
 None of which have or will include me.
 
 And on year four in this place where my students’ love
 Fills my days with hope for a better future,
 I still have a longing, an inkling of loss
 That trails behind me, wishing i could be someone else,
 Someone worthy enough to be a friend.

The Terror of Being Female

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

i can’t believe our world this week–
 surrounded by the same chauvinistic bullshit
 my liberal baby-boomer parents raised me up against.
 and it’s 2016 and i have three daughters and a man, a husband,
 a born-and-bred Southern Baptist-raised Tennesseean, whose thoughts couldn’t enter the realm of filth so flippantly tossed
 into the national spectrum
 
 and we have a First Lady
 who should be our Queen
 whose words get twisted on my newsfeed within twenty-four hours
 by. A. White. Man.
 and i want to grab the world by its ears and shake some sense into it and put him in a swimming pool at age thirteen and have a hand slide up into his swimsuit.
 and put him on a bicycle at age fourteen and on the middle of a spring day have a creeper follow him home and chase him into an alley and expose himself to him.
 and i want to put him in the college library at age sixteen and have a stalker creep up behind him trying to reach up his shorts when he’s just searching for a poem by William Blake.
 
 And I want him to go fuck himself and his white male privilege that I have never seen in my home–the home of my birth or my marriage–even in all its whiteness
 
 And I want him to feel that terror of being female. Because every woman I know has had icy blood running through her veins in those moments of harassment and assault that have plagued us for all of time.
 
 But he won’t. Trump won’t apologize and he would argue till the day runs dark, and all i can do is pray to a god i don’t believe in that my three daughters don’t face the same fate. That they will find a home as safe as mine with a man as good as my father or husband and a world better than the one we have set before them now.
 
 Because it’s all i can do. Because i moved away in the pool and told my father about the flasher and left that library.
 
 Because i’m writing this now and somewhere in the world eyes are reading it and taking one moment to hear that terror slip out of my veins and transform into the truth that makes me Silent. No. More.

For Change’s Quake

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

this day, three years back:
 an unfair observation
 on a testing day.
 
 i thought i was done;
 trying to be good enough
 was just not enough
 
 and now? full circle–
 a grapevine request to see
 my expert teaching
 
 from a district head
 who saw just minutes of us
 (speaking for us all).
 
 now he’s bringing guests
 to show others how it looks
 to teach ELD
 
 (the irony stings
 with my facebook memory–
 a harsh reminder)
 
 but all things must change
 from weak saplings to gold leaves
 that have brought me home
 
 

This Pussy Will Save Us!

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

it’s a dark world
 when a candidate’s words sting
 women worldwide
 
 i cannot hear more.
 i just want my girls’ freedom
 from this dark world.
 
 i want that sweet love
 that comes from kitten cuddles.
 and no more of Trump.
 
 

And Then I Remember

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

 This. This is why I teach. For three years she’s been in my class. She has gotten married. Had a baby. But she still can’t decode words. She still struggles with basic sentences. I know she has more going on in her mind than Bambara and Mali and motherhood, but I haven’t found a way to reach this girl. I haven’t been able to communicate with her in a way to help her understand. But “reliving” 1880s farm chores today, she said, “I got this. We do this in my country.” And today, today, today, she was the best at something. This. This is #whyiteach
 
 

Over the Hump

/ lovizmytrio / Leave a comment

piano serenade while cooking
 and a collegial shout out to the king
 can make a hump day joyful
 in this little life we live