wind and commitment
to ski, to time i don’t have
(nor money… either)
grumpy beginnings
end with every ten feet stops
and i want to quit
but then i’m alone
and make this my mountain home
if only a day
their end-of-day grins
make me rethink my lost time
lost heart, yes… now won
other than starving
(because yoga doesn’t work)
my solutions fail
her comment stings
the tail of disappointment
snaps back at my truth
five pounds is that clear?
how hard i carry the weight
of words i can’t lose
a mental illness
keeps his secret behind doors
his goal: expose her
but she’s not hiding.
this stigma needs to end. Now.
no more closets, please
she needs compassion
a face grinning with the truth
not a pack of lies
you see, she’s unpacked
the weight loss feels amazing
and eye-opening
if he could see it
he wouldn’t stigmatize her
rather, open doors
yet whispers bend us,
the burden of exposure
too oft hard to bear
if his berating
bends her toward the bottle now
he’s unforgiven
no handsome smile
can bend me back to his side
may her freedom sing
you’re coming back now
the truth lies behind bottles
wish i could break them
whispers and gossip
that you aren’t ready to face
the rest of your life
how will you swallow
whatever life’s bitter taste
and carry on, safe?
i would walk with you
but i think of empty rooms
how hollow life is
without a family
don’t know if you’re better off
(but i know they are)
all the same, it kills
i worry you’ll die like him
with bottle in hand
to keep it secret
no one will reach out to help
you burden yourself
we all burden this
this fear of speaking the truth
until lies kill us
let’s not speak of death
of morose new beginnings
i wish i’d brought hope
i would uncork it
let its elixir shape you
towards a drink-free life
mother’s midnight dance:
rinse puke from stuffies and sheets
listen for gag sounds
hazy dose of job
sick grandma cares for sick girl
while sick husband works
cycle never ends
grandmother mother daughter
through sickness, health
mother’s twilight dance:
six laundry loads, leave sick girl
in hands now soft, warm
sleep? a silent joke
stolen from night, afternoon
thieves, our mothers’ love
the aches and fevers
mid-week stay-with-me stresses
medicine won’t work
she came in a dream
all better (never better)
if only the truth
i hate trapped secrets
the solid weight of her truth
worth liquefying
they have stopped asking
bless the sick season for that
(she’ll be sick for life)
losing a baby,
making candy memories,
alcoholism:
all life sentences
that never bring forth the dream
that they’d imagined
challenging poses
stave off pre-holiday cold
virus can’t beat me
candy-scented home
bowls brimming with sugar dreams
homage to his mom
girls learn gift giving
how to think beyond themselves
wrapped in red ribbon
i’d wrap happiness
and place it under the tree
if it would save them
childhood rules us
far beyond its eighteen years
may theirs be happy
flooded by piles
poorly-written papers burn
insides of my eyes
my stalking student
piles breakfast, lunch, dinner
always needing help
close and lock the door
is what the experts tell me
what if that were me?
i bring home piles
that pile bags under eyes
and work in silence
quick pasta dinner
vibrant girls’ homework piles
i rush to the gym
breathe in, then breathe out
my body piles relief
yoga saves the day
i learned there’s no guilt
like the guilt of motherhood
my Tuesday lesson
tossing and turning
don’t turn remorse into gold
they make me feel old
whispers in the hall
worse than when i was in school
oh wait–i’m here. school.
we mock others’ pain
forgetting our own swallows
mixed up with sorrows
three deaths, intervention
wrap up semester’s longing
for life, a new life
we all want sunsets
bright red-circle memories
to bring back our youth
then we’d be in school
that captive institution
we couldn’t flee from
my Tuesday lesson:
mouth shut, sunsets disappear
mouth open, truth shines
bellies full, tree up
lights, ornaments, and carols
darkened by your news
i hope you find peace
not from a bed or bottle
but the blood of life
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