Anywhere but Here

with windows wide: write.
 because you’ve missed my poems, love.
 since yesterday’s dawn
 
 girls in sun’s shadow
 as she announces her move.
 life: cycle in, out.
 


you know you’ve missed me
 my “seven-likes” followers
 ’cause i didn’t write
 
 you count me daily
 amongst the regular loves
 that make us a life
 
 and i was just born.
 (it was like i was just born
 the day i met him)
 


’cause seventeen years
 can’t be measured in mountains
 or wildflowers
 


or whining children.
 but in the steps we oft take
 on our way back home
 
 and in sunsets. Sun!
 lighting my way across love
 across city, life.
 


cutting down this ‘hood
 into what it’s meant to be:
 scraped, demolished, lost.
 
 circular i am
 because that’s how tires spin:
 neverending globe
 


that brings us back home
 wherever that home may be.
 anywhere but here.
 

Nino’s Antiques

home: car cleaning bribe
 so i can get my work done
 and they earn their game
 
 insurance battle
 because i won’t be bullied
 by corporations
 
 i wash out bottles
 and my new/old egg beater
 from Nino’s Antiques
 
 (the shop in Gorham
 i went to as a child
 with just two pennies
 
 and Nino emerged
 with his wax-curled mustache
 and sold me his goods
 
 and this egg beater
 will remind me: he’s still there
 in my timeless town
 
 his mustache now gray
 asking my girls about school
 his PBS on
 
 selling his antiques
 for much too little money
 and chatting with kids
 
 he’s no CEO
 no insurance scam artist
 my hometown hero)
 
 

Day Sixteen, Road Trip 2015

small town tire delay
 gives us reason for lobster
 (just a short Maine walk)
 
 two missed turns later
 we find winding New Hampshire
 ready for ice cream
 
 fixed reservation
 at a camp we’ve never seen
 top out my Monday
 
 late night text shocker:
 best sleeping bag left in Maine
 (adventure goes on)
 
 we find our way back
 on lobster walks, ice cream runs
 till we feel at home
 
 that’s how the road plays:
 missed turns, rushed escape attempts
 journeys everywhere
 
 

Because Riona Would.

All three of my children were born in the evening. If you are a mother, you can acknowledge the significance of this. They were twenty-one months apart, so when I had my third, my oldest was just three and a half.

The first two spent their first night in and out of my arms, crying because of a reaction to the pain medication I’d taken during labor or because she was THAT starving.

But Riona?

I barely heard a sound from her… for EVER.

She lay next to me in the bed for all of that first night. She murmured a little, nursed a little, and settled back into sleep, happy to be near me.

And so it began. The ending of my motherhood with the child who came into the world as peaceful as a lamb.

And that is why I am crying now. Because you didn’t take a moment to see her. To listen to her soft calls, to her murmurs in the night. Because you thought an eight-almost-nine-year-old’s protests meant nothing.

What you. DON’T UNDERSTAND. Is that SHE never protests. She gives in. She listens to her older sisters’ whims and plays along, whether she really wants to or not. She fits into the jealous eye of her eldest sister, who often teases her because “no one can ever be as nice as Riona.” She is just like her father, same birth sign and all: born with a pure heart, giving, generous, willing to sacrifice all for the love of those around her.

Riona is the one who, back in March, cried herself to sleep because I told her we couldn’t afford camp this year. Riona is the reason I have sacrificed four weeks of my summer for summer school and home visits and Spanish class, all in the futile hope that I could pay for that one week of camp for all three girls.

So. NO. I do NOT want to hear that you “lost” her paperwork, sent in the SAME envelope as my other two daughters. I don’t want to come back from 50 hours of class in 5 days to hear that my youngest daughter was told she was leaving on Tuesday, was not allowed to participate in any camp activities because of this even though she ADAMANTLY TOLD YOU SHE WAS LEAVING ON FRIDAY AND YOU NEVER CALLED US TO CHECK, was told her camp store account was EMPTY WHEN SHE HAD $16 DOLLARS LEFT AND COULD HAVE BOUGH CHAPSTICK FOR HER DRIED LIPS, or that she was just… some other eight-year-old.

Because she’s not. If you could see her, really see her, for the gentle soul that she is, you would understand why I can’t stop crying. You would understand why I have given up half of my summer for my daughters to have the experience that you have now stripped from her. You would understand that a protest from a small voice should be THE LOUDEST PROTEST YOU HAVE EVER HEARD.

But you are not a mother. You are eighteen years old and have yet to learn the reality of this kind of pain.

And that is why I forgive you. Because Riona would.

The Buck that Burns Across My Back

It is 14:52 on the eve of ESL summer school. We have spent an entire day, AN ENTIRE DAY, planning for a sixty-five-minute lesson from curriculum that we first laid our eyes on this morning after a completely different and unrelated ENTIRE DAY presentation of curriculum yesterday. And at this moment, he announces that tomorrow, for the first day, the schedule will be “different.” That all our lesson planning has just been flushed down the toilet that has become our society.

I cried on my two-mile walk this morning. Not because it was too hot, or the views of the Perfect Denver Neighborhood weren’t impeccable. Or because I had to teach summer school for four weeks to pay for summer camp for my girls for ONE. But because of an article I read about the University of Phoenix, of all things. About how, in five years, their enrollment has decreased by fifty percent. And starting July 1st, a new law will require that they prove that their graduates make enough money to pay back the loans that their for-profit greed has forced them to take.

I was thinking these things as I made my way across town to the locale of this year’s grant-funded summer school, the University of Denver, a NONprofit institution with gorgeous grounds and transgender bathrooms and air conditioning and classes that start at $1200 a CREDIT.

And how screwed I am. Not because I think that the University of Phoenix is so damn amazing that it could grind up the 100-year-old trees of Denver’s “Ivy League of the West.” But because I have to do this. I have to do this damn summer school and have a part time job as an adjunct-but-never-real professor, that I have to bend my will to the beck and call of disorganized, incapable-of-communicating administrators, all for the buck that burns across my back.

That the measly $600 that I sometimes earn in a month at the University of Phoenix is sometimes all that keeps us from bowing down to debt.

And when he comes in at 13:33 and tells me that they haven’t been able to contact more than 11 students for our summer school, I ask him if it will be cancelled, if I will be shit out of luck on all counts this Tuesday. “No worries… it’s already accounted for… a grant. No pasa nada.” And his blue eyes and Argentinian accent are slappable. “And who paid for it?” I demand, the third time in two months I’ve asked, a question he’s dodged until this moment. “Well… you have. The taxpayers. The READ Act.”

And it all circles back to me. The University of Denver grounds I stand on that have been manicured by professional gardeners. The school I could never afford to attend, nor will any of my children even think of applying to. The public education that is filled and funded with so many holes, twenty-seven gorgeous textbooks, full-color photos and activities galore, a slew of classroom supplies including an electric pencil sharpener, that 11 students will take advantage of … all the rest? To waste.

The “for-profit” evil University of Phoenix that has allowed my family to break free of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle that is a teacher’s salary, that allowed us to live on a pittance in Spain, that has allowed me to… breathe.

What is an education worth? Why won’t parents commit to a forty-five minute bus ride for free materials, expert teachers, individualized classes, and free breakfast and lunch? Why won’t the University of Denver be asked to publish data on how many students graduate with a super-fancy psychology degree and start their salaries at $22,000? Why won’t our government ever just see that EDUCATION SHOULD BE FREE??

This is my Tuesday. Let the games begin. The Hunger Games, real world style.

It Never Gets Easier

to think i once heard
babies are hard to manage
eat, shit, drink, sleep, cry?

let’s try on costumes–
fall party, field trip, grades due
count how our days go:

back-talk homework fight
second piano practice
three girls showering

second failing math??
not a word from failed teacher
guilt, failing parents

baby barely writes
always a Daddy story
spells like a Spaniard

oldest keeps me up
stressed– her chronic detention
Daddy leaves in huff

garbage disposal
fix in the house that plagues us
that we cannot sell

let me stack my plate
with conferences tomorrow
Spanish class Thursday

Halloween Friday
filled with makeup and drinking
(i need a disguise)

to hide from this life
this balancing act of love
we call parenthood

Drowning

i’m underwater
barely able to breathe
so stop trying to talk to me.

My Last One Hundred Miles

for my last one hundred miles
i will
pound the pavement with
every last bit of angst
that aches to pour out
with the spin of my tires

for my last one hundred miles
i will
let loose the screaming soul
within my soul
and forget for a moment
why i am here

for my last one hundred miles
i will
be the dream i dreamt of me
chase the sun into the horizon
and allow the night to
envelop my desires

for my last one hundred miles
i will
pound the pavement with a plan
that will carry me to the top of
the mountain,
to the next one hundred,
one thousand,
two thousand miles.

Repercussions

it is only five seconds
with repercussions that will
last a lifetime

my childhood haunts me
as the same stress, anger
leaps into my veins

how i want to push it back
to not have this moment
of loss, of bitter haste

soon they are all crying
the moment turns into
long o-o-o-o-o-o-o’s

all i can do is reach out
my arms, wrap them inside,
and wish time backwards.

Pieces (Peace)

like a hurricane where
it doesn’t belong, stress
has swooped in from a
once-peaceful tropical locale,
tearing down trees,
ripping off roofs,
destroying in its path
every last bit of calm
that the summer once
peacefully offered me.

i stare into the beast’s eye,
reminding me that the middle
is only a moment of waiting,
that the end will whip around
and leave remnants of the
past in pieces behind its
horrendously angry tail,
pieces I will pick up, put back
together, and swallow in peace.