Anywhere but Here

with windows wide: write.
 because you’ve missed my poems, love.
 since yesterday’s dawn
 
 girls in sun’s shadow
 as she announces her move.
 life: cycle in, out.
 


you know you’ve missed me
 my “seven-likes” followers
 ’cause i didn’t write
 
 you count me daily
 amongst the regular loves
 that make us a life
 
 and i was just born.
 (it was like i was just born
 the day i met him)
 


’cause seventeen years
 can’t be measured in mountains
 or wildflowers
 


or whining children.
 but in the steps we oft take
 on our way back home
 
 and in sunsets. Sun!
 lighting my way across love
 across city, life.
 


cutting down this ‘hood
 into what it’s meant to be:
 scraped, demolished, lost.
 
 circular i am
 because that’s how tires spin:
 neverending globe
 


that brings us back home
 wherever that home may be.
 anywhere but here.
 

Sunny Skies Ahead

he comes home with clouds
 hovering over new joy
 (where we could be free)
 
 but then i must ask:
 is freedom found in money?
 so hard to answer
 
 those without know best:
 lack of money’s a prison
 choking month to month
 
 those with all know best:
 too much money is a trap
 biting claws of greed
 
 it was just enough
 for shoes, road trips, water parks
 just enough to breathe
 
 i want that freedom–
 monthly-cycle jail-cell break
 so far from the clouds
 
 

If the Shoe Fits…

reality hits:
 plumber, groceries, shoe shopping,
 clean car, room, laundry
 
 not a moment’s rest
 to really run a household
 two incomes looms big
 
 will it be worth it?
 one week i’ll be back at work
 he’ll have long hours
 
 what i did today?
 dispersed between homework, school,
 kids’ activities
 
 never the down time
 he’s given us all these years
 (but… we can buy shoes!)
 
 

Stolen

she mentioned poem theft
 when i went to Toronto
 and i laughed and laughed
 
 would someone steal poems
 so specific to my life
 day after day… kids??
 
 would they steal this pic
 formulated by daughters’
 view of this bright world?
 
 would they steal these plates
 drying when hot water broke
 no plumber can come?
 
 would they steal our ride
 our dip in the river, creek?
 and claim it’s their poem?
 
 would they fix plumbing?
 be my man–wire phone lines?
 they couldn’t be me
 
 my poems, words, are mine
 trapped here for worldwide view
 no one would steal them
 
 

Nino’s Antiques

home: car cleaning bribe
 so i can get my work done
 and they earn their game
 
 insurance battle
 because i won’t be bullied
 by corporations
 
 i wash out bottles
 and my new/old egg beater
 from Nino’s Antiques
 
 (the shop in Gorham
 i went to as a child
 with just two pennies
 
 and Nino emerged
 with his wax-curled mustache
 and sold me his goods
 
 and this egg beater
 will remind me: he’s still there
 in my timeless town
 
 his mustache now gray
 asking my girls about school
 his PBS on
 
 selling his antiques
 for much too little money
 and chatting with kids
 
 he’s no CEO
 no insurance scam artist
 my hometown hero)
 
 

Because Riona Would.

All three of my children were born in the evening. If you are a mother, you can acknowledge the significance of this. They were twenty-one months apart, so when I had my third, my oldest was just three and a half.

The first two spent their first night in and out of my arms, crying because of a reaction to the pain medication I’d taken during labor or because she was THAT starving.

But Riona?

I barely heard a sound from her… for EVER.

She lay next to me in the bed for all of that first night. She murmured a little, nursed a little, and settled back into sleep, happy to be near me.

And so it began. The ending of my motherhood with the child who came into the world as peaceful as a lamb.

And that is why I am crying now. Because you didn’t take a moment to see her. To listen to her soft calls, to her murmurs in the night. Because you thought an eight-almost-nine-year-old’s protests meant nothing.

What you. DON’T UNDERSTAND. Is that SHE never protests. She gives in. She listens to her older sisters’ whims and plays along, whether she really wants to or not. She fits into the jealous eye of her eldest sister, who often teases her because “no one can ever be as nice as Riona.” She is just like her father, same birth sign and all: born with a pure heart, giving, generous, willing to sacrifice all for the love of those around her.

Riona is the one who, back in March, cried herself to sleep because I told her we couldn’t afford camp this year. Riona is the reason I have sacrificed four weeks of my summer for summer school and home visits and Spanish class, all in the futile hope that I could pay for that one week of camp for all three girls.

So. NO. I do NOT want to hear that you “lost” her paperwork, sent in the SAME envelope as my other two daughters. I don’t want to come back from 50 hours of class in 5 days to hear that my youngest daughter was told she was leaving on Tuesday, was not allowed to participate in any camp activities because of this even though she ADAMANTLY TOLD YOU SHE WAS LEAVING ON FRIDAY AND YOU NEVER CALLED US TO CHECK, was told her camp store account was EMPTY WHEN SHE HAD $16 DOLLARS LEFT AND COULD HAVE BOUGH CHAPSTICK FOR HER DRIED LIPS, or that she was just… some other eight-year-old.

Because she’s not. If you could see her, really see her, for the gentle soul that she is, you would understand why I can’t stop crying. You would understand why I have given up half of my summer for my daughters to have the experience that you have now stripped from her. You would understand that a protest from a small voice should be THE LOUDEST PROTEST YOU HAVE EVER HEARD.

But you are not a mother. You are eighteen years old and have yet to learn the reality of this kind of pain.

And that is why I forgive you. Because Riona would.

Full Circle

this news sent so quickly in the midst
of my latest sacrifice (summer school)
brings it all together–
the twelve plus years of parenthood
where each of us stepped out of our careers
to stay home
to be there, wholly be there,
for every waking moment of their childhood

(it was mostly him,
a remorse i will carry
long after they have left the house)

and three years back,
when i made that choice
to carry this family to Spain,
and all the weight of it
that i have carried since
(was it the right choice?
was it worth the debt?
will we lose our house?
are the girls’ schools good enough?
have they lost every speck of Spanish?)

all of it comes full circle with his text:
I got the job.
The REAL job.
The DREAM job.
the job he’s been waiting for
since he stepped out of the barracks
and into The Real World,
where he was offered contract after contract
(no benefits, no real hope)
and was better than most of the company employees
(and better than any man you will ever meet)

and here we are.
seventeen years into the marriage.
twelve and a half into parenthood.
a stay-at-home chef, hairstylist,
chauffeur, housekeeper, computer technician,
financial analyst, tax adviser, veteran,
TELECOM TECH.
here we are, dream-of-dreams,
full circle, lifetime opportunity later.

and it was so worth it.
so, so, so worth it.

The Buck that Burns Across My Back

It is 14:52 on the eve of ESL summer school. We have spent an entire day, AN ENTIRE DAY, planning for a sixty-five-minute lesson from curriculum that we first laid our eyes on this morning after a completely different and unrelated ENTIRE DAY presentation of curriculum yesterday. And at this moment, he announces that tomorrow, for the first day, the schedule will be “different.” That all our lesson planning has just been flushed down the toilet that has become our society.

I cried on my two-mile walk this morning. Not because it was too hot, or the views of the Perfect Denver Neighborhood weren’t impeccable. Or because I had to teach summer school for four weeks to pay for summer camp for my girls for ONE. But because of an article I read about the University of Phoenix, of all things. About how, in five years, their enrollment has decreased by fifty percent. And starting July 1st, a new law will require that they prove that their graduates make enough money to pay back the loans that their for-profit greed has forced them to take.

I was thinking these things as I made my way across town to the locale of this year’s grant-funded summer school, the University of Denver, a NONprofit institution with gorgeous grounds and transgender bathrooms and air conditioning and classes that start at $1200 a CREDIT.

And how screwed I am. Not because I think that the University of Phoenix is so damn amazing that it could grind up the 100-year-old trees of Denver’s “Ivy League of the West.” But because I have to do this. I have to do this damn summer school and have a part time job as an adjunct-but-never-real professor, that I have to bend my will to the beck and call of disorganized, incapable-of-communicating administrators, all for the buck that burns across my back.

That the measly $600 that I sometimes earn in a month at the University of Phoenix is sometimes all that keeps us from bowing down to debt.

And when he comes in at 13:33 and tells me that they haven’t been able to contact more than 11 students for our summer school, I ask him if it will be cancelled, if I will be shit out of luck on all counts this Tuesday. “No worries… it’s already accounted for… a grant. No pasa nada.” And his blue eyes and Argentinian accent are slappable. “And who paid for it?” I demand, the third time in two months I’ve asked, a question he’s dodged until this moment. “Well… you have. The taxpayers. The READ Act.”

And it all circles back to me. The University of Denver grounds I stand on that have been manicured by professional gardeners. The school I could never afford to attend, nor will any of my children even think of applying to. The public education that is filled and funded with so many holes, twenty-seven gorgeous textbooks, full-color photos and activities galore, a slew of classroom supplies including an electric pencil sharpener, that 11 students will take advantage of … all the rest? To waste.

The “for-profit” evil University of Phoenix that has allowed my family to break free of the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle that is a teacher’s salary, that allowed us to live on a pittance in Spain, that has allowed me to… breathe.

What is an education worth? Why won’t parents commit to a forty-five minute bus ride for free materials, expert teachers, individualized classes, and free breakfast and lunch? Why won’t the University of Denver be asked to publish data on how many students graduate with a super-fancy psychology degree and start their salaries at $22,000? Why won’t our government ever just see that EDUCATION SHOULD BE FREE??

This is my Tuesday. Let the games begin. The Hunger Games, real world style.

Home. Made.

another stressed day
just before Christmas bustle
lost to this sickness

tears fresh this morning
frozen pond glistening dawn
star-studded boathouse

guilt trailing my job
as he rushed home, two sick girls
and me? meetings, plans

she came back today
babyless, unpacking shelves
repacking her life

her despondence stung
i couldn’t leave her alone
burdened with boxes

we made plans, had lunch
I got your card, she told me
we’re not sending any

no family photo
for his first, never Christmas

(this is what i hear)

but she won’t say that,
leaves me lines to read between
your girls’ pic was great

her grief in all words
she tells of Christmas-free plans
prepared to move on

this i carry home
with oldest’s three earned awards
to my handsome chef

his job ends next week
i won’t worry who’ll nurse them
and make chicken soup

noodles fall from spoons
and girls, all better, delight
priceless remedy

now they’ll discuss me
what will he do now, and you?
i’ll have no answer

only the safety
of the home he makes for us
beyond what they see

Time is Short

i am a teacher
not an entrepreneur
must learn to say no